Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi Everyone,
I contribute to this board on a regular basis.
I haven't posted in a long time in terms of my own situation. It's been nine months and counting of no contact with my abusive ex with whom I was together for a year and a bit. I went back to him twice, abuse escalated, he was a textbook abuser, with all the bells and whistles, and a borderline physical abuser.
This time of year is triggering for me because a few years ago, we met closer to this time of year.
I am STILL having trouble getting over him. I still feel like I love him, NINE MONTHS after I left him for good. I called the cops on him because he was harassing me and assaulted me --minor assault, tried to choke me playing with me (after he got drunk). So, he can't contact me. But I feel like sometimes he may be trying to write me on Craigslist missed connections in my city (it may not be him). And I feel tempted to respond to whoever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????
I have been seeing a rape counsellor and a psychotherapist for awhile now (although both sporadically). (Yup, he sexually assaulted me too...) I have also moved from one therapist to another because my time with one therapist expired (it was covered by insurance on some occasions). Recently I was diagnosed with mild PTSD as well.
I don't know why I still have feelings for him. By the way, I have been single this whole time and trying to heal.
Any advice would be highly appreciated. Sometimes I am STILL in a lot of pain.
I contribute to this board on a regular basis.
I haven't posted in a long time in terms of my own situation. It's been nine months and counting of no contact with my abusive ex with whom I was together for a year and a bit. I went back to him twice, abuse escalated, he was a textbook abuser, with all the bells and whistles, and a borderline physical abuser.
This time of year is triggering for me because a few years ago, we met closer to this time of year.
I am STILL having trouble getting over him. I still feel like I love him, NINE MONTHS after I left him for good. I called the cops on him because he was harassing me and assaulted me --minor assault, tried to choke me playing with me (after he got drunk). So, he can't contact me. But I feel like sometimes he may be trying to write me on Craigslist missed connections in my city (it may not be him). And I feel tempted to respond to whoever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????????
I have been seeing a rape counsellor and a psychotherapist for awhile now (although both sporadically). (Yup, he sexually assaulted me too...) I have also moved from one therapist to another because my time with one therapist expired (it was covered by insurance on some occasions). Recently I was diagnosed with mild PTSD as well.
I don't know why I still have feelings for him. By the way, I have been single this whole time and trying to heal.
Any advice would be highly appreciated. Sometimes I am STILL in a lot of pain.
The understanding part of it is the worst.
You are remembering the mask you fell in love with, not the monster he turned out to be.
It's so very difficult when we are tricked so much & in such a way where our thoughts are affected, our hearts get hurt & in your case, your body also has been very damaged.
I understand the missing part. It is the normal part of you who expects what is normal. To be apologized to. To have him recognize how deeply he has hurt you. That normal, loving heart of yours is wanting what is absolutely normal.
It's just so sad that they are so abnormal.
It's his fault.
It's all his fault that you are hurting right now, that you are missing him, that you still long for him & all those feelings are so very very normal. It's just that mask he showed you & the mask that you loved. It's so very hard to accept the real face under the mask.
Remember, that although you are doing all the right things in terms of healing & accepting, you have been through a great deal of pain. You are a survivor of abuse. It is traumatizing. Dont' minimize your pain & your ordeal. There are so many others that are willing to do that for you.
Sending you lots of love & big hugs.
xoxo
gogo
I think what helps me is knowing that wherever in dealing with this I am, it's ok. I've been through a really difficult time, I loved him and gave up so much of myself for him - it's completely normal to miss him. It's not easy to get over any relationship, but abusive relationships are something else. You have to play a lot of psychological games with yourself, and I think there are a lot of things to untangle.
I wish it was easier, but at least it is this hard for all of us. It sounds like you are doing a really good job, seeing a therapist and talking about these things on here. I think it'll get better.
Is that you're nostalgic for the holidays? If so, I would try to stay busy with other people and just get through it, and the feeling will pass. Is it that you would feel good about some attention that would make you feel womanly/special? That's okay, too, but don't seek it from him. I'm not suggesting you go out and sleep with somebody, but in some cases, a flirtation (online or in person) or even a date can be a great distraction and remind you that he's not the only guy out there. Stay strong and keep us posted!
You got a restraining order, so the authorities recognise it was very serious abuse.
I think that, as well as what the others have said about the mask, a part of why you still miss him is because you are minimising what he did to you.
Choking you is NOT "borderline" physical, nor is sexual assault. In fact, choking is one of the most dangerous forms of physical abuse there is. I was choked by my ex once too - and like you, I minimised it because I knew at the time that he wasn't trying to kill me, it wasn't that hard, I didn't even pass out. But the point of it is to prove that he CAN kill you if he wants to.
What you have been through is very serious abuse. There is no such thing as better or worse abuse, but at the same time, don't minimise the seriousness of what has happened to you.
Facing reality is really REALLY hard. But it will help you get through this.
Strangely enough, accepting that it will take time and accepting yourself for how long it will take YOU, rather than beating yourself up for taking "too long", will actually help a lot.
I just want to thank you all for your words and wisdom, I really need to hear it, coming from all of you, directed towards me and my situation. I know that I have minimized the abuse (he also minimized it and/or negated it completely...) I just haven't been feeling all too great the past few days and needed some support. It really really means a lot to me!!!!!
And no, I would never contact him, I would be seriously endangering my own life if I did. When I called the cops to report harassment to them, they INSISTED I file a DV report at the police station even though I didn't want to. They INSISTED to drive me to the police station themselves the same night to file the report, after which they went to his house to warn him to never get in contact with me ever again, otherwise he would risk getting arrested and lose his job.
Also, as all of you pointed out, he did really put up a HUGE mask in the beginning which completely blindsided me. My impression of him in the beginning was that of an angel, practically, he did so much to sweep me off my feet. Yes, he was one of those, I know you are all familiar with that mask!
The scariest part of all this is that he works in a caring profession, which is another reason I got totally blindsided....thinking someone like him would never do anything to hurt me or hurt another human being...
I also received EMDR therapy for ptsd, that helped a lot.
I think in the past after dealing with breakup up from an abuser, the missing him came later after I processed a lot of my anger - I mistook my forgiveness that occured for a decision to reconcile, and going back of course the abuse just escallated and I got myself into a lot of trouble.
Companionship is important, and maybe some good friends are a good place to start. I met some nice women where I got counseling at the domestic violence agency in the group therapy and classes. I also found some churches that offered free classes on healing and met some more nice ladies. I think the more good friends we have the less likely we are to fall for a creep (easier said than done for me).
My pet dog is my companion now and I'm very content. I also have a growing relationship with my spiritual God that keeps me filled up. You're not alone.
i just tell myself i don`t have to be in her life to love her and we was not good for each other .