Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Was talking to someone at work. They were asking about my aspirations as an artist and I said things were going fairly well for me in the past but it went bad because the marriage was abusive. She said "Well that's easy, all you have to do is stop hitting on her." I kind of laughed at first because it caught me off guard, and she said meagerly that maybe it wasn't a good joke, and then started talking about her problems. After it sunk in though I felt like throwing up. It brought back a lot of feelings I haven't had to deal with in quite a while, about my ex blaming me for her abuse, or others either not believing me or thinking that abuse is no big deal, fending off accusations by her lawyer, the guardian ad-litem saying that we are both equally bad, telling friends and family and having them say that what I'm experiencing is normal, telling someone that I'm being abused and they get really excited until you say "it's emotional abuse" and then they suddenly lose interest, and on and on. I think the worst part is that my ex would be tearing me down and blaming me at the same time, and I was constantly checking myself, wondering if I was the problem. Self doubt is a strong tool that my ex used, and that is common for abusers to use. On top of that one thing that sucks about being a guy is women just assuming that by being male you exist on some point of the asshole spectrum. Whew. Well at least writing it out helps a little. Thanks for reading.
I believe you that it's so much harder as a man because of people's preconceived notions. My best friend's brother was in an extremely emotionally abusive marriage for a long time and it was literally draining the life out of him. He looked like a recovering drug addict last time I saw him. Counseling made it worse because the therapist did not understand what she was dealing with. Most people around him didn't get it but thankfully his sisters understood and they persevered in helping him break free and to find a counselor that "got it."
Be kind to yourself! I find lots of self-affirmations, and self-care, and journaling to help a lot when I start having those flashback moments.
You're right on about self-doubt being a tool that abusers use. I was honored and humbled to be in training over the past several years with a few men who really opened my eyes to the fact that men are just as vulnerable to trauma as women. They carry as much pain as we do. And because they are just taught to stuff it and "be a man," it makes it harder for them to heal. I admire you for being open and honest!
Please be gentle with yourself.
~healing hugs~
I'll just reiterate what I've
said before, that abuse
is not about gender
but about damage.
My father was abused
most of his life, first by
his father, who ultimately,
ripped him out of school
(long, long ago), putting
him to work in a button
factory and then leaving
him (at the age of 14), to
support a family of seven.
(My grandfather never
returned.)
After he finished "raising"
his own family of origin,
my father found and
married a narcissist
who abused him for
the rest of his life.
I'm just grateful that
this sweet, loving
man was my father.
Please continue on
your path of healing.
The insensitive comments
of others may always
clutter your way, but
your inner resources
will take you past
and beyond, to be
able to be less and
less effected by these
kinds of encounters.
I tend to talk openly because I would like more awareness about abuse, but it is good advice to go in slowly.
I'm out of practice in dealing with awful treatment. LOL It's a good thing!
I've been out of my marriage for a few years now. One of the best things about being away from our abusers is that we don't have to explain ourselves anymore. People who have never lived through abuse, will never quite understand the depth of the situation. Don't let her insensitive comments take you back to a dark place. You're on the right path...one step at a time.
Talking about it is very frustrating when someone hasn't been through it. They make insensitive comments and it hurts because you just opened up about something so painful and all the can say is "Ignore him".
I'm sorry that it's always assumed men are the abusers & that that comment was made. I don't assume that anymore, that's for sure. I'm sorry for what you've been through.
Keep open about it because maybe you'll help someone big time without even realizing it. :)