Don't know if it would be a reason to get into one, but it is a reason why may stay in one. Shyness taken to the extreme is absolute lack of self-esteem. That is where most of us were. I was a financially successful professional woman. I made my own money and I made dang GOOD money. I was supremely confident at work. At home was a whole other story. I wouldn't describe myself as shy, but that completely desolate sense of self, looking into a mirror and seeing nothing but air, that is what kept me there. If that is "shy" than so be it. The lack of confidence that follows closely on the heels of this self-disgust is really what keeps us there. For as similar as they are, its 2 different things; although I do see that one feeds the other and lead you into a self-destructive cycle.

hmm. I was incredibly shy as a child but grew out of it at the age of about ten. I dont know weather this has anything do do with it. And I wouldn't say I 'grew out of it' either, I think I intensely battled it and I'm really proud of myself and you should be too!

I believe men who need to control their world (due to their own insecurities) seek out the quiet, shy types. Maybe it's innocent at first, but I believe that because of your shyness, they can become more confident. You naturally put them in charge. Because you don't challenge them. With that confidence they can begin to control you and feel even better about them selves. They can look good to their friends. We don't seek them. They see us a prey.

wow...thanks for the replies. So if abusive men seek out those who are quiet and shy then we need to do everything we can to help ourselves become more confident in ourselves. My sister and I have found Don't Call Me Shy by Laurie Adelman to be extremely helpful with understanding our shyness and becoming more confident. I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to re-parent themself, like we did.

I wonder about the chicken and the egg, ya know?

Could shyness be actually a manifestation of having been abused? I suspect that the lack of confidence and assertiveness could certainly be a result of having been emotionally, if not also physically abused.

Another factor to consider is this. Being shy may or may not contribute to whether a person stays when a relationship turns abusive... but on the broader spectrum.... even among those who aren't shy....those who have withstood abuse in one relationship often find that the pattern repeats in subsequent relationships. Ultimately this pattern continues until the person learns whatever skill they may have lacked... whether that be assertiveness, self-esteem, interdependance (replacing codependance)...

I don't think shy people are more likely to be abused necessarily when it comes to personal relationships. I haven't been shy a day in my life..... it didn't stop my falling into the scene. Perhaps if I had been shy it would have been even more of a challenge to assert myself and get through it. IDK.

But in general, as it relates to being attacked by an unknown predator (say being mugged on the street)... shyness, or any other description of a lack of a 'strong presence' can make a person more vulnerable. These types of predators know how to watch people and read body language in order to determine who is an easy target. In this sort of scenario, I think shyness could make a marked difference in whether one finds herself to be victimized.

Actually, and I think research will support me on this, the secure confident ones are the ones more likely to be abused than the shy quiet type. The narcissistic personality of the abuser sees this as the ultimate conquest - taming of the "shrew," whatever. It is true, however, that being abused as a child leads to shy behavior and one who eventually chooses only what they know (i.e. an abusive personality) as a partner, so that is a common part of the cycle as well, but the confident-self assured woman is just as apt to be abused as the shy one.

In many of the groups I have belonged to, it is amazing how many professional women who are excellent businesswomen have been abused by their partners. Many of them physically, but a lot of them verbally and emotionally. The strong woman is in denial much longer about what is happening to her and is reluctant to reach out to a support network.

This is not to start a debate on this topic, just to show you that ANY woman can be abused, not just the shy ones.

Good question. I think abusers seek out certain types and weakness of mind (maybe gullible or easily influenced), self doubt, insecurity, and these may be characteristics of shyness. I am very shy ususally and also have been in abusive relationships. I would also think people who struggle with shyness also might be a little less experienced in dealing with people and so vulnerable and maybe put more value on one relationship when it does happen and stay. (This is something I think and I have experienced.)

I never was too shy but men thought it would be cool to control me/tame me. I have always spoken my mind, and even more so now. I have even heard them say, oh, I am gonna tame you. I said, good luck, bec no one has yet!
I think they get so full of themselves that they really start thinking you are a child and they are the dad so they are gonna TELL you how life is gonna go.
I have told men, you obviously need to boss someone, I am NOT your daughter, I strongly suggest you get someone pregnant and then tell your child what to do. My father is in windsor conn and you look nothing like him lol.
So when you are bold and outspoken they consider that a challenge and are determined to make you meek and mild, and obedient. yeah good luck on that