Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Burning question

supportplease
supportplease
My sister is in a verbally abusive relationship. She has always told her husband that his language and ways he spoke to her and the kids were unacceptable and basically he ignored her and told her "NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS PERFECT AS YOU ARE" Now that the kids are older and are speaking back to the father and using bad words (like he did) my sisters husband has decided that the words are unacceptable and goes on and on about how they should speak to him.

My question is this: how can an verbally abusive man all of a sudden expect respect and good language from his family when he never gave them the same respect. My sister is feeling so resentful.

Any comments are so appreciated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
the next step is they will start talking to her this way. when we are verbally abused, we become desensitezed to it. we don't even hear it. maybe she could record some of his rantings and listend to it with you or a counselor. she can't change him, but she can change what she takes from him. in the long run, he is slowly destroying her. I'll pray she finds the strength to confront him about his behavior and how it is affecting their family.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Our eldest 3 kids have started talking to their dad like their dad talks to them. It makes him furious. It makes him even more so when he comes to me to back him up and I ask him where does he think they get it from? But I really canNOT stick up for him.

I hope your sister gets the help she needs and sooner (I'm just now getting some after 18 years).

So, to answer your question: verbally abusive people are not rational, they do not see that what they are doing is wrong- it is ALWAYS the other persons fault.
supportplease
supportplease
It seems to me that verbally abusive people only care about how life affects them. For so many years my sister's husband used the f word and other disrespectful words, and when my sister got upset, HE BECAME ANGRY THAT SHE WAS BRINGING IT UP AGAIN. When it was over for him it was supposed to be over for her. Now hes decided that he won't tolerate the very same words in his direction.

i find it unbeleivable! Do verbally abusive people have the ability to see things from someone elses point of view....is it that they can'y or refuse to?
queenvalerie
queenvalerie
Its sort of both actually. Even if you tell them, they refuse to see it. They do this to invalidate another persons point of view.

If I am mistaken about this I apologize, but is this the same sister we talked about a few weeks back? I was hoping she had made some progress, but it sounds like maybe she didn't. I remember the phrases exactly like you have them posted here.
supportplease
supportplease
yes, it's the same sister. Thanks for all your advice!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh, this is so typical. i have three daughters and my Ex uses words whenever and however he wants. Because he's who he is.

One day, my 12 year old disagreed with him about a movie. He was outraged. I wasn't there.
But, he used the F word with her, and she said, :How would it feel if I wer to say the same thing to you?"
Well, he lost it, telling her that this was his privelege and that females don't speak this way...
When he called he a bitch, she objected and he said, "Get used to it or you'll have a miserable life."

So, he doesn't see the other side of the coin, as many don't.
There's a double standard...Do as I say but not as I do.
hockeymom5592
hockeymom5592
It's all about the abuser, they are entitled to talk like that, but no one else it....the great and powerful abuser....I'm glad the kids can stand up to him.....Some kids are too afraid to, even as teenagers.
deleted_user
deleted_user
because he thinks he is king and if they have little boys, they will be allowed to treat her like that and if they have girls, they will be treated the same as she is. By brothers and Dad. Its kind of like they create their own world/kingdom. Theres a word for it I just cant think of it right now...Heather
deleted_user
deleted_user
Kids mirror what the parents do.
supportplease
supportplease
How is it that the abuser is able to watch his words outside the house but not inside the house? Obviously he can control himself if he wants to....does he just not care?
supportplease
supportplease
I've read on other comments that verbally abusive people really don't care about how anyone else feels but them. It seems that if they are crossed they get mad but we are not allowed to get mad at them. What an impossible situation!