Trusting yourself takes time, but you can take steps. One suggestion I have is work on self efficacy, when you trust your capabilities in one area it begins to spill over into other areas. Recognize and appreciate each moment you are capable of resisting going back, and I'm not talking lip service here, FEEL it! Work on your capabilities in other areas, practice self care. You can do this!

I also tried to leave twice before I was able to get free. Just because you weren't ready the last time doesn't mean you can't succeed this time, if that were true very few survivors would escape, and many do. You will be one of them. You just have to hit the point of enough is enough.

I think another important factor here is to not be hard on yourself when you have a set-back. It usually takes several attempts for someone to permanently leave an abuser. You're not alone in that. Be gentle with yourself! You will get there.

Broken promises is something I can relate to, as well as not trusting myself. Those are both very common characteristics that many of us here, maybe most, dare I say all, have experienced and still may be.

My encouragement to you would be to make a point of turning negative thoughts when they come to you, into positive ones. It takes a lot of effort and work but with persistence on that focus will help and continue to come more naturally. It will help you gain strength.

Trusting ourselves again takes a lot of time, and we have to be patient. The first positive you can focus on is that you did leave and you are trusting your decision. I'm glad he hasn't contacted you. NC is hard but is what will work and help you gain your trust of yourself back too. It is the only way to help heal from the abusive relationships effectively. If he draws you into conversations, it will be much more difficult than to not speak to him at all. Set your boundaries to him, let him know you will no longer accept his behaviors. You deserve this for yourself! Self care and finding positive distractions will help. Take good care, keeping you in my prayers.

The negative thoughts, the lack of trust in myself, the feelings of being a loser are all by-products of my being with an abusing alcoholic. I realize I need to heal. I need to give myself time to heal.

I did leave. I'm still gone. I'm taking steps to create a future life. I have reached out to people. I have gone to the crisis center and seen a counselor.

I am only as strong as I believe myself to be. I am on my knees many times a day, praying for calm, strength, clarity and courage.

For me, abuse started with family of origin, me and my three sisters were all beaten, sexually abused and neglected. We tend to pick spouses who act very much like our abusive parents and we tend to treat ourselves in the same way our parents did. In my case treating myself the way my parents did meant:
Getting beat
Not taught to do self care of any kind (Not even learn to brush our teeth properly)
Getting ignored
Not allowed to have any feelings
Used as slave labor
Not wanted (told I was not wanted)
It has taken decades of therapy to slowly reverse some of the damage.
What has been most healing to me recently is Inner Child Therapy, while difficult, emotionally draining it has been very good.I am in no way "cured" , but, I am learning to treat myself in a manner that my mother, father and step father should have treated a child. I am taking care of my inner child and I do it one day at a time with the help and support of a community that loves me. That means I take time to engage in self care, take the time to feel my feelings (that my inner child ran away from all her life), take the time to be grateful for what I have every day, take the take to eat nutritionally, take the time to sleep well, take the time to tell someone I care, and take the time to play every day.
We do have to earn our own trust back - for me I treated myself the same abusive manner that me parents and ex-husbands did, why should my inner child trust me if it was just more of the same.
Great Book that helped me and my counselor embark on "inner Child therapy": "Rescuing the Inner Child" by Penny Parks - While it is hard to find in US bookstores, as she is London based, I found a used copy on Amazon.com for $10 or so including shipping.

I've made it 3 days. I've told more people. I've asked for help. I've talked & talked about it. I'm starting to believe that I will do this. I must do this. I must take care of myself. I actually do care more about how I am at this moment, than how he is.

Congratulations! Trusting yourself does take time. Great advice here. Don't be too hard on yourself. Little by little as we stand up for ourselves and draw our boundaries we feel better about ourselves. The better I feel about me, the less likely I am to make contact and the more easily I see the abuse.
((hugs))

ive posted a letter i wrote to my ex after we broke up for the final time. I was looking for it as I think it will help you and alot of the people on here. He wanted to get back together or be friends, something, so I decided to write him a letter about why I left him and why I will never take him back. i wrote it all.... let me try to find it and I will post it.

Dont be hard on yourself.... be happy and peaceful at a great decision to put yourself first.

I'm on day 6, and beginning to believe that I won't ever go back. This is both great and sad. I feel like the last 4 1/2 years has been such a waste. I had such hopes & dreams. I'm feeling lost & alone, like every other time I left him. I knew these feelings would come. The difference now is that I know that going back to him would not make me feel better. I can create a new life. I can keep myself safe.

Understandable feelings but the last 4.5 years was not a waste. One day soon you will look back and thank the stars that you went through those times because you came out a better woman.....U will see. U will see all the lessons you took from that relationship,...good and bad. I ended up in the hospital by my ex and I never regret meeting him.... I learned so many things from that relationship and I continue to learn to this day although I have not been in a relationship since 2012. I have dated but my heart isnt ready to give love to anyone but myself and my kids. Im being selfish at the moment and that is ok. I had alot to learn...