Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I got a no contact order against my ex in October 2014. In the no contact order I had my daughters name on it. He made numerous threats to kill me and the last incident that caused me to get the no contact order was somewhat threatening to our child. It was threatening me on Halloween night during trick-or-treating and who would I be trick-or-treating with? Yes, our daughter.
Anyways, I could write 10 pages of incidents describing why I needed the no contact order and why hes a dangerous person (and I have, that's what I gave to the judge that issued the order) but it's not necessary right now. It was justified, I had no choice.
But now my heart breaks for my sweet innocent little girl. Tonight she said she had no friends, and I said yes you do, you have a lot of friends. And she said but not my daddy, hes gone. :( and I said hes still your friend, and hes not gones, hes just in another state. I said you'll see him again someday. And she got excited and said tomorrow?! And I said no Mommy has to work. And she said maybe daddy can come babysit me :( and I said no I think he has to work too.
Well he's a loser, he doesn't work. I am so angry with the SOB.
I initially told her that Mommy and Daddy weren't allowed to talk to each other for a while because we weren't getting along. I told her that we couldn't see or talk to daddy for a while. And she said, yes we can still talk to him on the phone. And I said no we cant. I told her that we both loved her and that it wasn't her fault. I told her that Daddy wanted to see and talk to her but he couldn't. She got upset and insisted we could still talk to him and I finally said well we cant right now daddys at work. From everything I've read I know your supposed to tell kids the truth. But how could a small child (she just turned 4, she was 3 at the time) understand, when its difficult for an adult to understand.
Since the initial conversation I have told her that daddy loves and misses her and she will see him again someday. I tell her all the time how much I love her. My ex and I have been separated for almost a year and a half and he hasn't fought for her. He could have fought for custody for her after the no contact order, but he didn't. I don't understand. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty and I honestly don't, I'm just furious with him and my heart breaks for her. I want so bad for her to be happy and healthy and have good self-esteem. But she feels abandoned and she has been. He can try to say its my fault but its not.
I'm still going to fight for sole custody. I want her to see and have a relationship with her daddy, but not while hes sick. Hes destructive and dangerous and my job is to protect her. In this book Im reading about putting kids first during divorce it expresses the importance of the father being there and having both parents. It doesn't address abusive situations, so it's not really that helpful, it just makes me feel terrible and like my childs well being is doomed. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening/reading.
Anyways, I could write 10 pages of incidents describing why I needed the no contact order and why hes a dangerous person (and I have, that's what I gave to the judge that issued the order) but it's not necessary right now. It was justified, I had no choice.
But now my heart breaks for my sweet innocent little girl. Tonight she said she had no friends, and I said yes you do, you have a lot of friends. And she said but not my daddy, hes gone. :( and I said hes still your friend, and hes not gones, hes just in another state. I said you'll see him again someday. And she got excited and said tomorrow?! And I said no Mommy has to work. And she said maybe daddy can come babysit me :( and I said no I think he has to work too.
Well he's a loser, he doesn't work. I am so angry with the SOB.
I initially told her that Mommy and Daddy weren't allowed to talk to each other for a while because we weren't getting along. I told her that we couldn't see or talk to daddy for a while. And she said, yes we can still talk to him on the phone. And I said no we cant. I told her that we both loved her and that it wasn't her fault. I told her that Daddy wanted to see and talk to her but he couldn't. She got upset and insisted we could still talk to him and I finally said well we cant right now daddys at work. From everything I've read I know your supposed to tell kids the truth. But how could a small child (she just turned 4, she was 3 at the time) understand, when its difficult for an adult to understand.
Since the initial conversation I have told her that daddy loves and misses her and she will see him again someday. I tell her all the time how much I love her. My ex and I have been separated for almost a year and a half and he hasn't fought for her. He could have fought for custody for her after the no contact order, but he didn't. I don't understand. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty and I honestly don't, I'm just furious with him and my heart breaks for her. I want so bad for her to be happy and healthy and have good self-esteem. But she feels abandoned and she has been. He can try to say its my fault but its not.
I'm still going to fight for sole custody. I want her to see and have a relationship with her daddy, but not while hes sick. Hes destructive and dangerous and my job is to protect her. In this book Im reading about putting kids first during divorce it expresses the importance of the father being there and having both parents. It doesn't address abusive situations, so it's not really that helpful, it just makes me feel terrible and like my childs well being is doomed. I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening/reading.
She may miss her father, but unless he gets the help he needs and corrects all his abusive behaviors he is not a healthy father figure for anyone.
Attachment issues stemming from an abusive/neglectful parent in childhood can be incredibly unpleasant and in some cases even crippling once a person reaches adulthood. This is something I know all too well from first hand experience.
I would like to think I would handle everything as you have. I think you did the right things for your daughter being only 4.
I do however strongly disagree with the idea she is doomed without a father around. I know, actually quite a few girls who have grown up without a father and are great people with good jobs, family, and a good life. I also know a couple of girls who grew up with two parents, the father not showing a lot of interest and one of them is so screwed up, the other one isn't very happy either.
I think what I am saying badly that it is up to you to show her a happy life and that she can be or do anything she wants to do in life.
Oh yes, I grew up without a father, and to be honest, I never felt like I missed out. That could have been because I lived with my grandparents.
People live with only one parent all the time and if the child feels loved and cared for by that parent, usually things turn out fine. No one let me feel bad cause I didn't have a father.
You will be fine, no doubt in my mind
When he was in day care at nearly 4, they were preparing gifts for fathers' day. Day care knew about our situation, so they had him prepare the gift for me instead. But it got him to thinking. So he started to ask me questions. He asked why his daddy left. I told him his daddy didn't like me any more, that's why he left. Interestingly, he then said (he'd not seen his dad for 2 years, hadn't lived with him or experienced the obvious abuse since 13 months old) "why was he always so mad? Did you make him mad?" I replied that he made himself mad - which my boy thought was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. But he accepted it. A few days later, he asked if he could see his daddy, and I told him not now. He asked if ever, and I replied "I don't know". And then he came out with another corker "If we do go to see him, you might have to hide again" (there had been a few times I'd had to hide with my infant son in the dark under a desk as my ex rampaged around the house in a drunken rage looking for us).
As time has gone on, we have talked several more times about his daddy. He knows little bits about what went on, but because I refuse to feel any guilt about what I have done (I did what I did to protect my son), he doesn't pick up on guilt and doesn't feel he's missing out. Yes, sometimes it breaks my heart too, that he can't have a wonderful daddy in his life - or even an ok one. But he can't. His daddy isn't wonderful OR ok, and letting him have contact with his father would not be safe. I look at it as like if you took your child to the zoo and she wanted desperately to climb in and cuddle the fluffy lion - there's no WAY you'd let her, no matter how desperately she wanted to. Because it's not safe. And maybe you'd feel sad for her that she couldn't have her wish of cuddling the lion, but you wouldn't feel you'd done her wrong.
Contact with him is no safer than cuddling a lion. Possibly less so.
It's sad, it's heartbreaking. But it's the lesser of two evils. You did the right thing by her - tell yourself that as often as you have to until you truly believe it. Do some soul searching if you have to, to be absolutely certain your motives were to protect her not to punish him (I know I did). And then live strong in your decision. Your own certainty that you did the right thing will carry a lot of weight with her. Children sense way WAY more than we give them credit for - especially young children. You are all she has right now, she has been (as you say) abandoned by her father and that hurts. She's looking to you to show her that, despite the hurt, it's ok and it's for the best.
It's really not easy, but I know that, as I watch my son grow and be incredibly matter-of-fact when people (somewhat insensitively in my view) ask him where his daddy is, I am doing the right thing. He trusts me to have made the right choice for him, even if he is sad sometimes that he doesn't have a daddy to come watch his soccer game, or to play with him, or whatever else he wants one for. It's ok that he's sad about that, just as I'm sad about it. But we both trust he's better off this way.
That you recognized the situation and dealt with it early on, hard as it is with a young child, is something to be proud of and use to strengthen you. While I am now out of my abusive environment along with the kids, I recognized the situation much, much later in their lives and mine and am dealing with the fact that I didn't see it and the effects it had on them and me through that whole time. When it finally become apparent to me, I did something about it but must figure out how to forgive myself for keeping us in it for too long. I know and regularly remind myself that the actions that had to be taken and what transpired was not about being against my ex and their dad but rather was about being "for them and for me". About finally protecting us and saving us. My kids are older and don't want to talk/open up much so I don't know yet what bad feelings/anger may be there against me.
I feel your pain. For me there was attachment and loyalty to my ex, especially after more than 30 years of a relationship together. I am learning to remind myself I am not responsible for his behavior and choices. You are not responsible for his behavior or choices. It is hard to understand him not fighting for custody but as hard as it is, I hope you may look at it that it makes it easier/better for you and definitely safer for your daughter. Thankfully you are not dealing with fighting for custody and keeping her safe. That ultimately, is a blessing. You are an amazing mom and your daughter will see and know that through time.
Take good care, keeping you in my prayers.
livndadrem- It's interesting what children can remember when they are so young. My daughter has said that she remembers when Daddy pushed you and when daddy threatened you. I'm sorry your son had to go through that. Thanks for the advice and support. Its nice coming from someone in a similar situation. I hope I can be as strong as you and stop feeling guilty because I know better, but its hard.
sleepywalrus- I think hes dangerous because of the abuse and the number of times hes threatened to kill me and before he used to threaten to kill me, hed tell me how he planned to kill his brother. I don't think he'd ever intentionally hurt our daughter but he has watched her when he was very drunk (while I was at work) and he is a very reckless and scary person when he drinks. I'm sorry you've had to deal with an abusive parent and I hope I can protect her from that, but then she has to deal with the abandonment issues.
Thank you gem, that's very encouraging. I haven't always handled things the greatest, I have tried to protect her from the situation but she has heard things because shes always there, though ive done my best to be aware of that.
I left him in 2013, when she was 2. then in 2014, I tried to reconcile with him, which was stupid but I so desperately wanted to keep my family together. When I left initially it was at 3 in the morning after he passed out when I thought he was truly going to kill me. He had unplugged the phone cords and hid the cell phones and followed me around threatening me and telling me that I should be happy that our daughter was still awake (she had taken a really late nap, so she was up much later than usual.) But I guess that's another story. Anyways so it was an abrupt change.
Then about a year later when we were trying to reconcile I left her down there with him for a weekend while I worked and had to get some stuff done for school and it was a nightmare. I put my daughters life in danger by leaving her with him. He got very intoxicated when I left and was screaming at me and saying that if I tried to come down there and get her that he was going to call the police and not let me on the property (even though its his parents property. he lives on a houseboat.) He wasn't even making since but the anger in his voice was frightening. I asked him at one point where our daughter was and he said he didn't know. His parents live right next to the marina by a very large lake. Both parents are in extreme denial and are extreme enablers, and his father was working and his mom is in very bad health. Anything could have happened to her. It was the worst weekend of my life and my brother went down there are we successfully retrieved her.
Obviously after that I was done with him because he refused to get help and change. I kept going back and forgiving him but the final straw. He saw he one more time after that and I stayed with them and when I couldn't I arranged for my parents to. And yes, there was alcohol on his breath. That was 3 months ago.
whipple- Thank you for your support. I don't think anyone knows what to do in situations like these and all we can do is our best. We end up feeling guilty because of their behavior, no matter how hard we try and no matter how good our intentions are. I did stop reading that book. Even if we get into a custody dispute and if he ever gets partial custody (worse fear, unless he can get serious help, which is very doubtful), its not a good book because it involves two responsible parents. It's good to hear affirmation that I'm doing a good job because I am doing my absolute best.
newrose- you don't need to feel guilty, its a horrible cycle and its not as simple as getting out sooner. I dealt with it for 6 years and I knew his behavior wasn't normal, but I didn't realize it was abuse either. I thought he just had a drinking (not to minimize drinking problems.) But it was much more than that. I honestly wish he could be in her life, just a healthy, safe version. But if I don't fight and do everything in my power to keep her safe, I could never forgive myself if anything happened to her. And as we know, abuse usually carries over to children.
With him gone that leaves room for her to develop attachments to more positive male role models. Even no man is better than an abusive one.
You are doing the right thing for her. Keep up the good work.