Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Good evening, I have a HUGE problem. It's going to be a lengthy post, but if you choose to read through all of it I thank you deeply.
Growing up, there was always tension between everyone; my dad is a very resentful, bitter and aggressive man who has been extremely neglected by his parents. My mom grew up in a very toxic environment since her father was an alcoholic who beat up her mother on a daily basis. Her mother (my grandma) didn't have the strength to leave that man so both my mom and my uncle had to live under those circumstances for a good part of their life, which of course emotionally scarred them both.
While my uncle chose to drown his sorrows in alcohol, marry and leave to live on his own with his wife, my mother stuck by my grandma's side, effectively emotionally fucking herself over. She became very emotionally and mentally unstable, she has a lot of disorders and she never ever sought help, she always claimed she was fine and that a tough life has to be endured.
Now, because of her previous abuse, my mom was desperate and thus made the wrong choice of marrying my father, a man who obviously couldn't make her happy. From their unhappy marriage there was born me, a child who had 1 in a 1000 chance to live due to medical reasons I'm not going into right now.
Everything took a downturn for me when I was about 6. My mother decided she's had enough of my father so she left the country altogether and moved to Italy. She didn't have much money when she migrated nor did she know much people, so she had a very rough life at the beginning here. Then she met this guy, who was also an alcoholic. Being emotionally unstable, she fell in love with him due to the little kindness he showed her that she had never seen before. She has stuck by his side to this day, even when I moved in with them.
In the absence of my mother, things were going bad. My dad was badly neglecting me, I was only getting fed but not properly cared for. I developed an eating disorder and I ended up weighing 125 kg when I was 14.
I moved in with my mom when I was 15, oblivious to the fact that she was living with this guy. Needless to say, the life they were living was a HUGE shock for me. They were drunk all they long, they fought all day long because of stupid small reasons (it was mainly my mom screaming at the top of her lungs) and when they weren't home they were out gambling all of our money. I don't even have to mention my mom didn't really give three fucks about me, I was getting fatter and fatter, more emotionally unstable and paired up with the stress of living in a new country and having to learn a new language made me withdraw in a shell. I ended up dropping out of high school because I couldn't even speak Italian and my teachers weren't very understanding.
During the first year living with my mom, I would notice that at times she would have violent outbursts; like when I tried to ask her why she was behaving the way she did, or when she was particularly sad. She would verbally abuse me, pick on my weight, on the fact that I was a droupout, calling me useless, mad, telling me that my dad and I had ruined her life, that if I had died at birth her life would be different. Initially I felt guilty and I believed I had some sort of fault even if I didn't fully believe the bull she was spewing. She would also make me feel bad for all the health problems I had that required assistance, telling me I was just a hypochondriac with no real problem and that I made her waste time and money.
Fastforward through one year of pain and suffering, I decided to enroll back into high school. I thought that maybe by doing so her behaviour would change; I was at the top of my class, I studied 9 hours daily and every teacher was proud of me ; I was that foreign girl that could barely speak but still proved everyone she could do it.
Again, needless to say, nothing changed. If anything, she would try to find me more faults and she would pick on every and each small mistake I made.
The second year of school was absolutely the worst for me emotionally. With some financial aid from my father she managed to open a clothing store by herself, which didn't go too well but nonetheless I was by her said the whole time, helping her with whatever she needed. I also managed to improve my grades if it was possible. I lost 100 pounds and my mom lost 50, and things were looking bright in the begging. I had hope. But the abuse didn't stop, and it became clear to me that she was only doing it because of her own unhappiness and not because I had any fault one particular evening. She came storming home from work and she was really pissed off because she hadn't sold anything that day. Again she started belittling me because of a small insignificant thing and I couldn't take it anymore so I started crying. After a while, she apologized to me and told me she did it because she was mad and she took her anger out on me because she couldn't take it out on her boyfriend.
I planned of going back to my home country but to no avail; my father doesn't want me back and I virtually have no one who could fully support me. The only one willing to give me some help is my cousin, who is willing to financially support me until I finish high school. The downside is that she lives in her fiance's apartment, with whom she doesn't really get along that well. She said she could host me for a few months but not until the end of the high school and that unsettles me because living with my father is not really an option, he's very abusive as well. She says that we'll figure out something once I'm there, but I'm very scared.
Now I'm in third year of high school and I can't take it anymore. I finally came to accept that I am in fact psychologically and emotionally abused after all these years of trying to adjust to my mother's requests. I know I might not have been the perfect daughter, but I aided her in every way I could given my problems and the fact that I had no income to support her. I know I don't deserve all the blames she puts on me, and I know that everything she says about me to her friends isn't true, and that being depressed under such circumstances is normal and that I shouldn't feel selfish or bad for feeling so.
Today we had a bad fight and she said she wants me to go back to my home country because she "can't take me anymore", but after crying on the phone about me with few of her friends, she didn't mention it again. Thing is, I told her I wanted to go back. I did not confront her about it again though, and now she's acting as if nothing happened.
I'm not sure what to do. Should I go back to my home country and live on my cousin's shoulders (she's been abused too, way more badly than I was. The thing is, she lives in denial and claims there was nothing wrong with her parents) or try and finish high school here? I've got a couple of years left, but I cannot take it anymore.
What would you guys suggest I do? Thank you for your time
Growing up, there was always tension between everyone; my dad is a very resentful, bitter and aggressive man who has been extremely neglected by his parents. My mom grew up in a very toxic environment since her father was an alcoholic who beat up her mother on a daily basis. Her mother (my grandma) didn't have the strength to leave that man so both my mom and my uncle had to live under those circumstances for a good part of their life, which of course emotionally scarred them both.
While my uncle chose to drown his sorrows in alcohol, marry and leave to live on his own with his wife, my mother stuck by my grandma's side, effectively emotionally fucking herself over. She became very emotionally and mentally unstable, she has a lot of disorders and she never ever sought help, she always claimed she was fine and that a tough life has to be endured.
Now, because of her previous abuse, my mom was desperate and thus made the wrong choice of marrying my father, a man who obviously couldn't make her happy. From their unhappy marriage there was born me, a child who had 1 in a 1000 chance to live due to medical reasons I'm not going into right now.
Everything took a downturn for me when I was about 6. My mother decided she's had enough of my father so she left the country altogether and moved to Italy. She didn't have much money when she migrated nor did she know much people, so she had a very rough life at the beginning here. Then she met this guy, who was also an alcoholic. Being emotionally unstable, she fell in love with him due to the little kindness he showed her that she had never seen before. She has stuck by his side to this day, even when I moved in with them.
In the absence of my mother, things were going bad. My dad was badly neglecting me, I was only getting fed but not properly cared for. I developed an eating disorder and I ended up weighing 125 kg when I was 14.
I moved in with my mom when I was 15, oblivious to the fact that she was living with this guy. Needless to say, the life they were living was a HUGE shock for me. They were drunk all they long, they fought all day long because of stupid small reasons (it was mainly my mom screaming at the top of her lungs) and when they weren't home they were out gambling all of our money. I don't even have to mention my mom didn't really give three fucks about me, I was getting fatter and fatter, more emotionally unstable and paired up with the stress of living in a new country and having to learn a new language made me withdraw in a shell. I ended up dropping out of high school because I couldn't even speak Italian and my teachers weren't very understanding.
During the first year living with my mom, I would notice that at times she would have violent outbursts; like when I tried to ask her why she was behaving the way she did, or when she was particularly sad. She would verbally abuse me, pick on my weight, on the fact that I was a droupout, calling me useless, mad, telling me that my dad and I had ruined her life, that if I had died at birth her life would be different. Initially I felt guilty and I believed I had some sort of fault even if I didn't fully believe the bull she was spewing. She would also make me feel bad for all the health problems I had that required assistance, telling me I was just a hypochondriac with no real problem and that I made her waste time and money.
Fastforward through one year of pain and suffering, I decided to enroll back into high school. I thought that maybe by doing so her behaviour would change; I was at the top of my class, I studied 9 hours daily and every teacher was proud of me ; I was that foreign girl that could barely speak but still proved everyone she could do it.
Again, needless to say, nothing changed. If anything, she would try to find me more faults and she would pick on every and each small mistake I made.
The second year of school was absolutely the worst for me emotionally. With some financial aid from my father she managed to open a clothing store by herself, which didn't go too well but nonetheless I was by her said the whole time, helping her with whatever she needed. I also managed to improve my grades if it was possible. I lost 100 pounds and my mom lost 50, and things were looking bright in the begging. I had hope. But the abuse didn't stop, and it became clear to me that she was only doing it because of her own unhappiness and not because I had any fault one particular evening. She came storming home from work and she was really pissed off because she hadn't sold anything that day. Again she started belittling me because of a small insignificant thing and I couldn't take it anymore so I started crying. After a while, she apologized to me and told me she did it because she was mad and she took her anger out on me because she couldn't take it out on her boyfriend.
I planned of going back to my home country but to no avail; my father doesn't want me back and I virtually have no one who could fully support me. The only one willing to give me some help is my cousin, who is willing to financially support me until I finish high school. The downside is that she lives in her fiance's apartment, with whom she doesn't really get along that well. She said she could host me for a few months but not until the end of the high school and that unsettles me because living with my father is not really an option, he's very abusive as well. She says that we'll figure out something once I'm there, but I'm very scared.
Now I'm in third year of high school and I can't take it anymore. I finally came to accept that I am in fact psychologically and emotionally abused after all these years of trying to adjust to my mother's requests. I know I might not have been the perfect daughter, but I aided her in every way I could given my problems and the fact that I had no income to support her. I know I don't deserve all the blames she puts on me, and I know that everything she says about me to her friends isn't true, and that being depressed under such circumstances is normal and that I shouldn't feel selfish or bad for feeling so.
Today we had a bad fight and she said she wants me to go back to my home country because she "can't take me anymore", but after crying on the phone about me with few of her friends, she didn't mention it again. Thing is, I told her I wanted to go back. I did not confront her about it again though, and now she's acting as if nothing happened.
I'm not sure what to do. Should I go back to my home country and live on my cousin's shoulders (she's been abused too, way more badly than I was. The thing is, she lives in denial and claims there was nothing wrong with her parents) or try and finish high school here? I've got a couple of years left, but I cannot take it anymore.
What would you guys suggest I do? Thank you for your time
One thing I do when I have to make a tough decision is I make a pros and cons list, I rate all the times in both columns, and add the numbers together to try and get a logical, objective, clear idea of what I value most and what might be the most benefit to me.
first of all, you are AMAZING. you are more amazing than in your secret fantasies, you are in the superhero realm of power and strength. these will be compelling chapters when you write the book of your life, ending in triumphant success and happiness. i can't wait to read it!
without knowing every detail, my gut tells me to go stay with your cousin because finishing your education is a top priority. do what you can to help around the house so you don't feel like you are leaning too hard on your cousin's hospitality, keep your head down, and study your butt off. a diploma is your ticket to your future independence, don't take your eyes off the prize.
do not rely on your cousin for emotional support. regardless of her history she is not in the same mind space as you are. let her cope with things her own way, and don't take it personally if she has no desire to hear anything you say. she is in defense mechanism mode, let her make her own decisions. get therapy if you can, where you can. write about your feelings to channel them out, remember that you are most important.
when you are out of school and legal age you will be able to break free from this dysfunctional nightmare, and things will be different. you have an incredible amount of awareness for your age, there is no limit to the happiness that waits for you when you are in charge of your own life. what you do now is temporary, consider it a deposit in the savings account of your future. you are a short two years away from college, career, love and endless possibility, and already exhibit the qualities needed to make it all happen. you can do it!
cant74, I'm fighting to not let it define me, if anything, I want to learn from it, do exactly the opposite of what I've seen and use it to grow stronger.
I've talked to someone at school yes, but sadly since legally I am an adult there aren't many options for me. I cannot get a full time job and move out because I have no qualifications and a part time job won't be enough to provide to all my needs.
If I had been a minor the most they could've done for me is put me in a structure (which isn't an all that bright option either) or get me to live in a religious convent which wouldn't be exactly an option either.
I am more and more discouraged about going back to my home country because my dad is very reluctant about having me back, but you never know, he might change his mind. In the meantime, the advice you've given me will also be useful for future situations when I'll find myself at a crossroads.
vernacular, I cannot begin to thank you for your kind words, they give me much more hope than you could ever imagine. I'm sending you my best wishes and I hope that life graces you with the best, because you deserve it. I am definitely going to be writing a book, and I will sure give you a mention :)
I would run off to my cousin in the blink of an eye, the only problem is as I stated above that she lives in her fiance' s apartment and he wouldn't be very keen on me living with them, therefore she could only keep me there for a few months. Well, I could always hope my dad changes his mind right? Although he's not much better than my mom either...
I again thank you for everything you said to me, because I now see it from another perspective; the savings account metaphor will stick with me for the rest of my life and I'll make sure that when everything is over, I'll do something greater than anyone in my family has done.
My main desire is to also be able to help others who are going through this and help raise awareness for emotional child abuse, because people definitely don't give as much important to it as they do to physical and sexual abuse, even if this kind of abuse can open the door to other kinds of abuse later in life if the Adult Child survivor doesn't receive proper therapy.
I thank you again, there are not enough words in the dictionary to express my gratitude :) In the meantime, I already have good news; I have an appointment for a first meeting with a psychologist on 8th, I hope it will go well.
I have friends, and I speak the language better than most people here. That's not a problem really; I do very well in school too.
Sadly I cannot steer too much from mom, otherwise I would've done it; how I wish she would avoid unnecessary interraction, it would make this all much more bearable. But sadly, if she senses I avoid interacting with her, either by keeping our conversations short or not talking to her for prolonged periods of time, she gets VERY VERY upset and she blows up like a grenade. It's actually one of her triggers, together with seeing me display any negative emotion, such as anger, fear or sadness. Basically, I have to be a ray of sunshine or in her eyes I'm a piece of crap. Bummer
I seriously can't stand it anymore. Over the past few days we've been arguing a lot and she says she wants me to leave the country and go live with my father. I am very reluctant about it but it seems like the only option, nothing's going to change about mom and I am never going to forgive her for what she's said and done to me nor am I going to forget it..
What do you guys think I should do? This is such a horrible situation. My parents don't have the financial means to support me through college either and I honestly fear for my future....
no one in this jack ass parade is welcoming you with open arms, which sucks. i hope you will remember that the rest of your life does NOT have to be this way, it just is right now. again, it sucks. evaluate where you can finish school the easiest, and try and go there. even if they don't exactly love having you there. sure it would be nice to be invited kindly but don't wait for joy in their eyes. if they don't flat out refuse i would put them on the "possible" list. stress that it's temporary. see what you can do to be helpful, flexible. just go where you feel you will be safe and able to finish school. get your education, it is your future.
college is a problem for another day, and you will handle it the way you have handled everything up until now: by kicking butt.
keep going, you can do it
As I have said, the few times I asked my dad about going back (my mom did too) he flat out refused. Even when my cousin talked to my dad and assured him she could financially support me, he still flat out refused. My feeling is that he doesn't want to have "one more burden" to deal with. It doesn't amaze me really, considering that after I've left he never called, unless it was my birthday. My cousin says that there must be a way I can convince him to take me back, and there might or may be not. I have not yet tried to explain me the situation, but knowing him I feel like all he'd do is blame me for not telling him sooner and staying here. Not to mention telling him would lead to World War 3, and that's honestly the last thing I need given my current psychological state. I really didn't forget either that my abuse started with him first and foremost.
About the school thing, I'm not sure yet, but in both cases it would be difficult. If I were to remain in Italy, I'd have two more years of school, which means dragging my suffering on for another two years. School here is pretty tough, not gonna lie. Back in my old country school is just as tough, the only difference is that there I'd have only one more year left of studying (in italy high school lasts 5 years whilst in Romania, where I come from, high school lasts 4 years). If I'm going to finish school in Romania tough, I'll have a lot of catching up to do in a lot of subjects , high school there may be only 4 years but they cram a lot of stuff to study in them.
Update though : After tearing me apart, badmouthing me to all of her friends, and ruining both christmas and new year's for me, my mom decided to apologize for her "behaviour in the last few days" when she saw I didn't go out of my room anymore, that I avoided speaking to her altogether, that I complained about massive headaches and constant head pressure (I've had them ever since I moved in with her but in the last few days it's gotten so bad to the point I can't sleep anymore at night), that I started heaving panic attacks again and that I barely ate. She basically said that she pointlessly blames me and says I wish I was dead because she is hurting inside. She didn't forget to add that "I expect of her much more than she can give me because I too, just like her, have been mistreated, and that she knows it's not her fault."
You know, it really irks me. In all these years, she has apologized to me a total of 4 times (yes I counted them. I think it's three though : 1)One time she only look up to me and said " you didn't really ruin my life".
2)Another time was around christmas time when I had been home alone because she was at work and in that time I had cleaned the house up and did many chores - when she came back from work she was a storm because it was a bad day, so she just picked on me for every little thing that she found out of place and didn't even notice I had tidied up. I was so hurt I went to my room and started crying, pretty loudly I must say. When she entered the room, as always, she asked why I was crying, believing she didn't do anything wrong. When I told her why I was crying, she told me she was sorry, that she was a horrible person, and that she had only done it because she had had a rough day at work and her boyfriend wasn't around so she could take it out on him.
3) The third time was when she had fought with her bf or something, I don't remember exactly what happened but she ended up breaking a lot of stuff, screaming at me, telling me to clean it up, I got so mad I went into a hysteric fit and cried till I almost passed out; only then did she say she is a horrible person (thanks I gathered) and that she was sorry.
4) 4th time was today.) and she has never EVER apologized for EVERYTHING she has done. No " I'm sorry for what I did to you all those years". Just a specific episode, maybe, and only when she saw that I couldn't take it anymore and that I was reaching my limits.
Not to mention that almost always when I'm hurt she never apologizes, but instead she tries to make me feel guilty about the way I feel, telling me I shouldn't be so weak, and ends up lecturing me one hour that being offended and hurt is wrong and that it's only my fault if I feel hurt, because I'm too easily hurt and because I have "a weak psyche".
This one episode will forever stay with me though; one day, she had smashed my phone to pieces, broke 4 plates full of food, made me clean up, hit me, and she never apologized. You know what she did that very evening? Went up to her boyfriend and with a sweet tone she told him " I fought with her. Then I beat her up" then she kissed him. And just that. No apologies to me, as I was watching the whole thing.
It hurts so much remembering all this, and I'm crying as I write this. Luckily I have two appointments with two different psychologists next week, and I hope to receive some support from them.