Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Have not been on lately as I have just not been feeling like I can contribute much and I have been honestly just going through the motions of life. Get up, go to work, go to bed and repeat. After I an the emotionally abusive ex broke up back the second week of April via his very callous phone call saying it just was not working and I was too negative, I wigged out all the time and brought too much drama upon myself, etc...basically all the blame was on me..well I just tried to go No Contact.
The phone call went very badly as up till then even when we were not getting along I had never been confrontational with him. I would always just leave if I was feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, or I would just not take his calls to avoid any arguements. This time though when he just threw "us" away so callously, after the prior week acting as if we were worth fighting for and I was the one not trying, that he wanted me to go on the trip to California with him and pestering me endlessy about it even though I had never asked for a trip or was involved with the planning of it or allowed to see the criteria of it so I felt uncomfortable and kept begging off from it, after saying he cared the world for me, he missed me, I was his heart (never saying I love you, like a normal person would) he just dumps me over the phone?
Anyway, I literally let loose every emotion I had, and the anger was overflowing. I cussed like a sailor and he hates a woman cussing. I now regret the way I acted as it was not classy at all, but I cannot take it back. At the end of the phone call, he offered up friendship and I just could not swallow that offer from him again as I felt it was just a way back in to a FWB when the ex he took back did not play out. I told him to F*ck his friendship, I see how he treats his friends. " He was shocked and tried to talk some sense into me, using my full name, but I just ended up hangin up on him. I regret now that I lost my emotions while he remained in full control of his. :(
Anyway, long story short, I ended up recording a voice message trying to sound positive and saying Thank you for what you have done, I needed you to let me go, now I can allow change in my life. Good luck with her, I am glad she will change herself for you like I would not, that is the type of woman you need. I see things as only going positive from here on out. Feel free to come pick up your riding mower as soon as possible, but come alone, respect me that much. Good memories, good times. Catch you on the flip side.
( I listened to it over and over and it sounds positive but you can hear the strain in my voice a bit)
Anyway, I remained no contact up till that weekend and slipped when the ex before him started contacting me and I dont know why but I got upset and asked him if he had anything to do with it? I am so paranoid anymore..they have mutual friends, and was a stupid question, but again, these abusers can get your mistrust and paranoia at an all time high.
This man texted back" Hell no, I don't play that way. Stupid question.
I texted an apology back and felt like crap for awhile, but I remained no contact.
Then I really screwed up and broke contact on the 28th..the weekend we were to be vacationing in California. I was watching TV and for some reason a cigarette ad, the one where the people have the voice boxes (not sure what they are called) because of lung cancer) was on about anti smoking ads..and well he is an addict, used to do meth for years, now does pot daily, and scripts, some are his some are not, smokes and is always trying to stop...anyway, the commercial made me just break down sobbing..and I texted him this:
i know I have no right to ask you but you did tell me I need to take care of myself, so do you. ( I have migraines and he says I need to see a nuero) Nuero appt in June. It would be good for you to stop those cigarettes. Not for me, but for you. "
( I did not hear back so then I sent this)
" Ok well its your lungs. Just being how you would be. :)
I got this text from him:
"Im at sea world. Your missing out
So you see, here I am like a dumbass, even though this man clearly dumps me for his ex who probably never was out of the picture, while trying to string me along with a trip and on his schedule when he was not seeing her, while pretending we were exclusive, brings her back in the picture when she changes some things for him (his friend told me this) and here I am worried about him possibly getting cancer because he smokes like a chimney and abuses his body with all his addictions. :(
And all he worries about is rubbing my face in the fact that I did not go on the trip with him as he dumped me the week of the trip because I showed concern about going and I would not follow his rules? WTH?
All I could respond with was: Thats good, glad you went. Kiss Shamu for me. (That was a bit of a dig there) Saving my money for investments. (he had a check of mine he had been holding for plane ticket payment so he wasnt even going to pay that..I cancelled it when things started getting really bad but did offer to repay him later, which he declined) You had some wise ideas, just not real estate. Have safe travels, we all have our playtime. :)
Again, trying to be positive, yet not let him know he was getting to me, as he thinks he is so smart in business/money and that the trip that I didnt even want to take and he took away only after he got her back, got to me by rubbing it in my face.
I then got this text about an hour later: I quit yesterday morning. No one smokes in Cali.
I sent no text back.
I should of let it go..but sunday..I ended up sending : Wish I would of stayed in Cali, miss the ocean. I wil be there again. Happy for you, Truly. :)
Never recieved an answer. Then sent a text about watching a movie he would like, recommended it, said good luck on the cigs..later.
No answer.
Then my final text on Monday: I am proud of myself. With the help of my friend ( a male friend, non intimate but very cool person) I shot a 302, a semi auto pistol and two other semi auto guns and hit some targets today. One more goal accomplished. He like you encourages change. Thank you.
( I wanted him to know that all the times he made fun of me about liking guns and he would bring his semi auto out and be intimidating with it and say, well go shoot it! Like he didnt think I had it in me, well guess what? I did and i just had not shot for years! So I needed him to know that I can shoot and I can hit my target and not only that, but people do believe in me and I am capable of change, but only if I feel it is within what I feel is a positive change or one in which I want to change about me. Not just because he likes a girl that wears capris or has bob, or laughs cute, or is submissive.
Sorry for the length, just really needed to get all that out.
Anyway, it didnt affect HIM at all, he does not see that I have anything to offer, that I am valuable, that I will be ok without him it is just going to take time...he is not missing me because he has her to hold him and be what he wants...and honestly that is why NC is the best way to protect yourself..your words just dont affect them if they choose to ignore you. So I just hope that while he is ignoring me I can become strong enough that when or if he chooses NOT to ignore me any longer, per his pattern, when she gets stale or he is lonely, I can IGNORE him. I just hope that I can move on and love myself...
Thank you everyone for listening and I just want to add that breaking contact really sets you back, at least it did me...wow. :(
The phone call went very badly as up till then even when we were not getting along I had never been confrontational with him. I would always just leave if I was feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, or I would just not take his calls to avoid any arguements. This time though when he just threw "us" away so callously, after the prior week acting as if we were worth fighting for and I was the one not trying, that he wanted me to go on the trip to California with him and pestering me endlessy about it even though I had never asked for a trip or was involved with the planning of it or allowed to see the criteria of it so I felt uncomfortable and kept begging off from it, after saying he cared the world for me, he missed me, I was his heart (never saying I love you, like a normal person would) he just dumps me over the phone?
Anyway, I literally let loose every emotion I had, and the anger was overflowing. I cussed like a sailor and he hates a woman cussing. I now regret the way I acted as it was not classy at all, but I cannot take it back. At the end of the phone call, he offered up friendship and I just could not swallow that offer from him again as I felt it was just a way back in to a FWB when the ex he took back did not play out. I told him to F*ck his friendship, I see how he treats his friends. " He was shocked and tried to talk some sense into me, using my full name, but I just ended up hangin up on him. I regret now that I lost my emotions while he remained in full control of his. :(
Anyway, long story short, I ended up recording a voice message trying to sound positive and saying Thank you for what you have done, I needed you to let me go, now I can allow change in my life. Good luck with her, I am glad she will change herself for you like I would not, that is the type of woman you need. I see things as only going positive from here on out. Feel free to come pick up your riding mower as soon as possible, but come alone, respect me that much. Good memories, good times. Catch you on the flip side.
( I listened to it over and over and it sounds positive but you can hear the strain in my voice a bit)
Anyway, I remained no contact up till that weekend and slipped when the ex before him started contacting me and I dont know why but I got upset and asked him if he had anything to do with it? I am so paranoid anymore..they have mutual friends, and was a stupid question, but again, these abusers can get your mistrust and paranoia at an all time high.
This man texted back" Hell no, I don't play that way. Stupid question.
I texted an apology back and felt like crap for awhile, but I remained no contact.
Then I really screwed up and broke contact on the 28th..the weekend we were to be vacationing in California. I was watching TV and for some reason a cigarette ad, the one where the people have the voice boxes (not sure what they are called) because of lung cancer) was on about anti smoking ads..and well he is an addict, used to do meth for years, now does pot daily, and scripts, some are his some are not, smokes and is always trying to stop...anyway, the commercial made me just break down sobbing..and I texted him this:
i know I have no right to ask you but you did tell me I need to take care of myself, so do you. ( I have migraines and he says I need to see a nuero) Nuero appt in June. It would be good for you to stop those cigarettes. Not for me, but for you. "
( I did not hear back so then I sent this)
" Ok well its your lungs. Just being how you would be. :)
I got this text from him:
"Im at sea world. Your missing out
So you see, here I am like a dumbass, even though this man clearly dumps me for his ex who probably never was out of the picture, while trying to string me along with a trip and on his schedule when he was not seeing her, while pretending we were exclusive, brings her back in the picture when she changes some things for him (his friend told me this) and here I am worried about him possibly getting cancer because he smokes like a chimney and abuses his body with all his addictions. :(
And all he worries about is rubbing my face in the fact that I did not go on the trip with him as he dumped me the week of the trip because I showed concern about going and I would not follow his rules? WTH?
All I could respond with was: Thats good, glad you went. Kiss Shamu for me. (That was a bit of a dig there) Saving my money for investments. (he had a check of mine he had been holding for plane ticket payment so he wasnt even going to pay that..I cancelled it when things started getting really bad but did offer to repay him later, which he declined) You had some wise ideas, just not real estate. Have safe travels, we all have our playtime. :)
Again, trying to be positive, yet not let him know he was getting to me, as he thinks he is so smart in business/money and that the trip that I didnt even want to take and he took away only after he got her back, got to me by rubbing it in my face.
I then got this text about an hour later: I quit yesterday morning. No one smokes in Cali.
I sent no text back.
I should of let it go..but sunday..I ended up sending : Wish I would of stayed in Cali, miss the ocean. I wil be there again. Happy for you, Truly. :)
Never recieved an answer. Then sent a text about watching a movie he would like, recommended it, said good luck on the cigs..later.
No answer.
Then my final text on Monday: I am proud of myself. With the help of my friend ( a male friend, non intimate but very cool person) I shot a 302, a semi auto pistol and two other semi auto guns and hit some targets today. One more goal accomplished. He like you encourages change. Thank you.
( I wanted him to know that all the times he made fun of me about liking guns and he would bring his semi auto out and be intimidating with it and say, well go shoot it! Like he didnt think I had it in me, well guess what? I did and i just had not shot for years! So I needed him to know that I can shoot and I can hit my target and not only that, but people do believe in me and I am capable of change, but only if I feel it is within what I feel is a positive change or one in which I want to change about me. Not just because he likes a girl that wears capris or has bob, or laughs cute, or is submissive.
Sorry for the length, just really needed to get all that out.
Anyway, it didnt affect HIM at all, he does not see that I have anything to offer, that I am valuable, that I will be ok without him it is just going to take time...he is not missing me because he has her to hold him and be what he wants...and honestly that is why NC is the best way to protect yourself..your words just dont affect them if they choose to ignore you. So I just hope that while he is ignoring me I can become strong enough that when or if he chooses NOT to ignore me any longer, per his pattern, when she gets stale or he is lonely, I can IGNORE him. I just hope that I can move on and love myself...
Thank you everyone for listening and I just want to add that breaking contact really sets you back, at least it did me...wow. :(
Be kind to yourself. I think it can be hard to go no contact when relationships finish abrubtly. There is no talking and having a normal conversation to say goodbye.
I know that I have slipped up and sent a text here and there. So has he. We have not spoken and I do not think that we will speak again. It is hard, I hate that I still think about him and miss him. I hate that I still care and cry.
You cared about him, so I think that it is normal to have the up and down emotions. You are angry with the way he discarded you, but sad because you miss him. Hugs.
who the EFF cares what he thinks.
I don't. and I don't even know you. I just care what you think.
sometimes we slip up, and you know what?
I know that you want him to miss you, to kick himself for ruining the best thing he could ever have had..
but abusers don't do that.
they DON'T do that!!
they can't see past their own, thick skull.
truly, the only revenge you will ever have is to live well.
live VERY well.
they have to wake up with themselves EVERY morning for the rest of their lives.
imagine having to do that?
(and from one sailor to another-nothing wrong with a little bit of well worded expletives!)
who the EFF cares what he thinks.
I don't. and I don't even know you. I just care what you think.
sometimes we slip up, and you know what?
I know that you want him to miss you, to kick himself for ruining the best thing he could ever have had..
but abusers don't do that.
they DON'T do that!!
they can't see past their own, thick skull.
truly, the only revenge you will ever have is to live well.
live VERY well.
they have to wake up with themselves EVERY morning for the rest of their lives.
imagine having to do that?
(and from one sailor to another-nothing wrong with a little bit of well worded expletives!)
who the EFF cares what he thinks.
I don't. and I don't even know you. I just care what you think.
sometimes we slip up, and you know what?
I know that you want him to miss you, to kick himself for ruining the best thing he could ever have had..
but abusers don't do that.
they DON'T do that!!
they can't see past their own, thick skull.
truly, the only revenge you will ever have is to live well.
live VERY well.
they have to wake up with themselves EVERY morning for the rest of their lives.
imagine having to do that?
(and from one sailor to another-nothing wrong with a little bit of well worded expletives!)
who the EFF cares what he thinks.
I don't. and I don't even know you. I just care what you think.
sometimes we slip up, and you know what?
I know that you want him to miss you, to kick himself for ruining the best thing he could ever have had..
but abusers don't do that.
they DON'T do that!!
they can't see past their own, thick skull.
truly, the only revenge you will ever have is to live well.
live VERY well.
they have to wake up with themselves EVERY morning for the rest of their lives.
imagine having to do that?
(and from one sailor to another-nothing wrong with a little bit of well worded expletives!)
who the EFF cares what he thinks.
I don't. and I don't even know you. I just care what you think.
sometimes we slip up, and you know what?
I know that you want him to miss you, to kick himself for ruining the best thing he could ever have had..
but abusers don't do that.
they DON'T do that!!
they can't see past their own, thick skull.
truly, the only revenge you will ever have is to live well.
live VERY well.
they have to wake up with themselves EVERY morning for the rest of their lives.
imagine having to do that?
(and from one sailor to another-nothing wrong with a little bit of well worded expletives!)
"at sea world, you're missing out"
That happened to me so many times. Why didn't I see it then? He didn't care about my feelings. He might contact me a week or two later when I hadn't contacted him so he can see where my attention went. Sick sick sick.
My advice to you, dry your eyes, shower, get dressed, put on some make up and focus on you. Change your number and don't contact him. You are worth far better treatment than this BOY is handing out. Start by showing yourself how much you mean to YOU.
Write a list of small or big things you want to accomplish and start little by little. You will see it works but you truly have to see the damage this guy is causing and that this is who he is and is not going to change
Hugs to you.... Be strong.
I had a continuous break of contact for a year and a half, it did set me back. I just wonder how abusers can live with the kind of life that thrives on lies and deceit.
I have managed to not contact since and even removed his friend request from facebook that he had sent when he decided to pursue a relationship with me again. I never accepted it due to the fact that he remained friends with the ex and well I just honestly was never sure of his intent.
Now I know, his intent is his own selfish needs and wants will always come first and he will always want his cake and eat it too, in my opinion. I also blocked not only him but her as one of her mutual friends that I did not know has friended me and I was so naive, I thought in the beginning she was friends with my ex. After I did some research, I figured out, not so. Like an idiot, I reached out to this woman and after the split, warned her to warn this girl who is quite a bit younger than me or my ex to be careful, he is playing her and has been over and over. She pretended to not even know who I meant?
I decided then that I am going to just remove myself from the drama, I had done the best I could, I had never cheated knowingly with anyone in this equation and if she wanted to keep going back for more, well nothing I could do.
It was time to take care of myself, I am having a hard enough time.
Anyway...all of his mutual friends and anyone that may be connected with him are removed from my facebook and the ex is blocked and he is blocked. I feel that is the best NC I can do. Now if I can just stay with it and not mess up.
For anyone else having these issues..I wish you strength and peace...