Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So early last week we had our latest circular conversation about him wanting to go to marriage counselling but then practically in the same breath telling me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me. That was it! I had had it! I was tired of being more confused after every conversation I had with him than I was going in. I was just done and I told him so. I realized that he didn't really want a "wife" he wanted a part-time girlfriend...part time meaning available when he wants me, easily left behind when he doesn't. Well, f*ck that! I told him that if he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me by now, he never would be. He soooo wasn't getting what this pushing and pulling was doing to me, nor did he care to get it. He asked if we could at least be friends and told me that if he decided he wanted to be married me he would still pursue me. Are you kidding me? I told him you don't seem to understand I DON'T WANT YOU! He said he didn't believe that. I told him I can't be friends, I need to move on. IOW, don't contact me!
Anyway, right after that conversation, I changed my phone number. He can no longer call or text me but he can still email me at work (he is not nearly as bothersome via email). I know he knows because he emailed me on Friday asking me if I knew my phone was out of service. Duh!!! I didn't respond. He emailed me again yesterday afternoon saying "you are no longer on the line of credit". I asked him to get me off the line of credit, but based on that statement I know he's figured out I changed my number and he's mad. He is probably feeling angry I did this to him, just cut him off like that. He is probably thinking I'm being dramatic and spiteful or playing games or something. So what is my problem? Why do I care? Why do I need someone to bring me back to reality? Because I feel guilty!
I know I did the right thing. I know I did what I had to do to keep my own sanity, but my heart hurts. That and the illusion that he will have an epiphany and realize what he lost and how he needs to change is gone. Please help me give my head a shake. Thanks so much!
Anyway, right after that conversation, I changed my phone number. He can no longer call or text me but he can still email me at work (he is not nearly as bothersome via email). I know he knows because he emailed me on Friday asking me if I knew my phone was out of service. Duh!!! I didn't respond. He emailed me again yesterday afternoon saying "you are no longer on the line of credit". I asked him to get me off the line of credit, but based on that statement I know he's figured out I changed my number and he's mad. He is probably feeling angry I did this to him, just cut him off like that. He is probably thinking I'm being dramatic and spiteful or playing games or something. So what is my problem? Why do I care? Why do I need someone to bring me back to reality? Because I feel guilty!
I know I did the right thing. I know I did what I had to do to keep my own sanity, but my heart hurts. That and the illusion that he will have an epiphany and realize what he lost and how he needs to change is gone. Please help me give my head a shake. Thanks so much!
And those things he said? They are probably all because he doesn't want you to be happy and peaceful that you have made up your mind about him. He wants to throw a spanner in the works of your newly ordered life without him. Crazymaking.
The MC and the 'not sure HE wants to be married to YOU' are meant to have you scratching your head and keeping your attention on him while you try to work out how two opposing things can be true... not to mention being examples of how he still seems to think he gets to make all the decisions, and things only matter from his side.
And LOL, my old boss did that email trick to me when I stopped taking her phone calls. The fact that you don't answer means you don't want contact. Very simple. It's not a cue for them to email you as if nothing happened, and ask what happened!
If he has taken you off the line of credit because of being mad, then I say at least you are off it even if he acted like a baby to do it! Could you contact the people concerned and get the taking off in writing so he can't play about later?
I think you did the right thing too. Guilty is probably how he wants you to feel: please put it to rest! Huge hugs xxx
As for him taking you off the line of credit, I'd say ultimately it was a gift as you dodged a bullet and can no longer be held liable for his debts! Just get official verification from the line of credit company to make sure its true and then do whatever paperwork is necessary to make sure they do not add you back regardless of what he does! I know from experience that they will tell you one then and then do the opposite. Ex took months to get my name off credit card and the cr cad co told him he had to close acct to do it. Guess what he did when he opened a new cr card???? He put my name on it!!!! It took months to get that straightened out.
You are doing the right thing. You need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and the loss of the illusion. What you are feeling is normal for the situation.
Big hugs.
PS, guilt is the unwanted gift that just keeps giving. You have no reason to feel guilty for doing what you need to do to take good care of you. So just pass that guilt back where it belongs - to him. I know he won't accept it, but neither should you!
Narcissists don't have
epiphanies or realizations.
You are doing
EXACTLY the
RIGHT THING!
You have NO CAUSE
to own any guilt over this.
You've escaped a narcissist.
Your clarity will return as
the fog of confusion lifts.
Please go on taking
good care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with your emotions or with your head for that matter. Your head is on VERY straight right now, you knew what you needed to do and you did it. And you are sticking with that decision. No way I'm gonna shake that head and risk it all falling apart!
But it will take some time for your heart, your hopes and your dreams to truly catch up. It's been your habit for a long time (created or at least encouraged by him) to take responsibility for how he feels at all times, to make sure you never rock the boat, make sure he is always happy. And now you've rocked the boat, you've done something for yourself instead of for him - it's going to take some time for your emotions to catch up to the knowledge that you have EVERY right to do something to protect yourself from further abuse by this man. And for your emotions to catch up to the new realisation that he isn't going to "wake up".
Take on the practical advice the others have given about the line of credit, and keep on keeping on. Know that your emotions will catch up, it's just that you've been a long time in "training" to think only of him and his needs, it's going to take a little while for that "training" to be undone.
@Ilene - this may seem like a stupid question after all I've posted here, but did you refer to my H as a narc because I have identified him as such in previous posts or because the way I've described his behaviour makes you think that? Honestly, while I have identified him as such on here and know he has some narc tendencies...I'm not really sure if he is a true narc. He is so muddled, confused and impulsive in his own thinking that trying to understand how he really feels or thinks about anything is impossible. If anyone else has any thoughts, feel free to chime in.
Thanks again guys, you are so awesome.
I called him a narcissist
because you wrote:
So early last week we had our latest circular conversation about him wanting to go to marriage counselling but then practically in the same breath telling me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me. That was it! I had had it! I was tired of being more confused after every conversation I had with him than I was going in. I was just done and I told him so. I realized that he didn't really want a "wife" he wanted a part-time girlfriend...part time meaning available when he wants me, easily left behind when he doesn't. Well, f*ck that! I told him that if he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me by now, he never would be. He soooo wasn't getting what this pushing and pulling was doing to me, nor did he care to get it. He asked if we could at least be friends and told me that if he decided he wanted to be married me he would still pursue me.