Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Angel32 01/02/2008

Hello there. I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and feel so frustrated. Everything is always my fault. I'm told I'm a liar, cheater etc. I know that I'm a great person, I'd do anything for anyone especially the man I love. He has no reason not to believe in me but once again...its always my fault. In the beginning, like it always goes I guess, everything was amazing. I never felt better with anyone in my life. We are talking about marriage, children, all the things that I've ever wanted. We've had a long distance relationship for 3 years and I'm planning on moving there in Feb. Things are great for a bit and then he goes crazy on me. My gut is telling me not to move there but my heart is telling me to go. That things will be better once we are together. That he won't distrust me once we live together. But I'm also scared he will get worse. I think I know I should end this before it gets worse but I almost would rather be with him than be alone again. I hate myself for saying that because I know I'm wrong to want to be with someone who abuses me but I'm so low in self esteem right now I'm more afraid to be alone. To be the "single" girl again. All I've ever wanted is to be married and have children and being 32 I feel like I'm running out of time. I wish I could just get my strength back. I used to be so independent. I'm so scared to be alone. :-(

deleted_user 01/02/2008

I have been there, in a way, and I have to tell you DO NOT MOVE THERE! Things will not get better - they will get worse. I was living with my now-husband and he was constantly after me to marry. I didn't really want to, as I have been married before, don't want kids, don't have kids, was in my late 30s, etc. But eventually, I *did* marry him, as I thought it would help him with his trust/insecurity issues. IT DID NOT HELP AT ALL. Things just got worse. Since then, it's been "married people don't do this," and "a married woman should behave this way," etc. Please please consider breaking this off for some period of time, at least, before you move. Give yourself a cooling off period. I feel like I am talking to myself, 4 years back. I would tell myself the same thing, and you already KNOW the right thing to do. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE. It knows.

deleted_user 01/02/2008

Listen to your instinct. Do not move in with him. SadieBee is right on ... he won't change and it will get worse. I know you're scared to be alone, but think of it as diving off of a diving board (hopefully you like water!). It will get easier in time and you will respect yourself and eventually be able to move on.

bigguy3 01/02/2008

Trust your gut. If it is telling you that you shouldn't move then you shouldn't move. I have learned that my gut is always right. The times that I have let my head or my heart over ride my gut instinct, I have discovered that I would have been better off to trust my gut.

The other posters on here are right as well. Things will NOT get better once you move and get married. Things WILL get worse.

Angel32 01/02/2008

Thank you so much for the responses.He says to me that "things will be better once I'm there." Then he knows that I don't know anyone.I know that I shouldn't go but I really love him.Ok, I know I'm sounding like a stupid girl but before he started acting like this I never felt better in my life.I met him when I was 35 pounds heavier and he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world.He made me feel so happy.I guess I've also never felt worse either once he started getting paranoid.I guess that I just keep that small glimmer of hope that it will all go back to normal.I know this is wrong but why can't I get that part in my brain to actually click? I've even been going to counselling and that isn't helping.I can't even tell you all the crazy things he's done.Checking my phone records,e-mails,making me honk my horn while I'm driving to prove that I'm actually in my car while on the phone with him.The list goes on and on.When I think of all these things I say to myself that if I heard a story about a girl like me I'd think she's so stupid to put up with this shit.But yet I do.What will it take for me to hit rock bottom?

deleted_user 01/02/2008

It's a typical abusive relationship. You may want to ask yourself why is he so insecure? If your self esteem is so low, how low is his? Do you want someone who does not even believe in himself, let alone in his future life partner?! I am your age, and divorced. I just quit a very abusive relationship, that is causing me to seek professional help. Do not push yourself that way, just because there's "time pressure". I learned, it's better to be this age and single, with good opportunity to find someone normal, while there's still time to have kids, then to hope to have a normal relationship, that will eventually end anyway... and by then, it may be too late to start own family.
Think about it.

deleted_user 01/02/2008

Oh honey... I am where you will be in a few years, and trust me...it's not going to get better. You may even love him MORE then in some ways, have all of your finances tied up with his, etc., and then it will be even tougher to deal with all of this. My husband gets into my email (though there is nothing there), goes through phone records, sometimes shows up suddenly at my office, comes home from training out of town 10 hours early without telling me... all in some insane attempt to prove I am doing something wrong, which he cannot do, because I am not. HE IS, HOWEVER! I love this man. He's an incredible worker, he's smart, he's funny, he's good to my family, and when we get along, we really do. But more and more he takes us to sad emotional depths that I never thought I would experience. If you think you want to pursue life with your man, tell him to get his "stuff" fixed FIRST, and then you will talk about it. That way, you're not just ending things. You're offering him the chance to do something to change. You really have no idea how things will be in a more "real-life, in-person" situation with him, either, which is scary. He's not really HAD the chance to get physical with you yet, because he does not have you under his control. Doesn't mean THAT won't be the thing that really changes once you move there! Please reconsider this situation.

deleted_user 01/03/2008

I was wondering, are you planing to have kids with this man, what if things do get worse, is this what you wont your kids to see. and how jelous will he be with the kids. He is controling your thoughts now. when you live with him, you may not even be able to go to the store. or be pretty at all. or even give your attiontion to a dog or cat. or talk on the phone at all.the controle will only get worse , why wouldn't it. every one is right. maybe if he would get help. and show emprovement, and that would take lots of time. then maybe you could continuer with the bigger step. but for now. you are on a path of doom, lonlyness, and despair. you might as well hang your sing on the door. to all who enters here. leave your self out side.if he is like my husbond. you will sease to exsist. your thoughts, your goles, your feelings, its a hard path to fallow. not too many stops along the way to make life worth while. just my opionion. but I do wish you luck, and hopefully. things will work out.

Robfed 01/03/2008

Wow, we are in almost the exact same situation. I am dating someone who can be emotionally abusive. I am also currently in a long distance relationship, and he wants me to move out of the country to be with him. He does the same things that your boyfriend does to you, and promises me that all of his outbursts and unfair treatment is because we are apart. A part of me really wants to believe him but another part of me knows that it will probably just get worse and I will be in an even worse situation. I want to be with him too, and I know how great he can be. I would love to hear what else you have been through, it would be really great to talk with someone that can really relate. I know long distance relationships are hard but lots of people make the right healthy choices to get through it, my boyfriend does NOT do that. Deep down I know this is a control issue,

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