Last week my boyfriend and I were on a vacation we had been waiting for! Only the 2nd night in was the night before his bday and we had been drinking. We went back to the room and he passed out drunk. In my drunk state I thought I saw something in his phone that was suspicious but turned out to be nothing (he cheated on me like crazy during a rough patch in our relationship when I was struggling with addiction). I woke him up to confront him about it which was a big mistake because he wakes up pretty angry anyway and things quickly escalated. He threw me around the room, while I was laying on the floor he kicked my head into the wood base of the bed, he held me down on the bed and verbally abused me screaming in my face, while choking me. He choked me pretty hard this time and longer than usual, to the point I got scared. My throat and neck still hurt 5 days later. He was screaming at me so loud others in the hotel called the police. The hotel called our room warning him that the police were coming. He quickly got scared and began begging me not to get him in trouble. When the police came they saw the bruises and marks on my neck and arms and I told them what happened. I thought a night apart would be good for us and maybe he would learn his lesson. But I had no idea choking was taken so seriously, plus with a prior incident where he pulled a knife on a girl, hes now facing up to 10 years in prison. Theres also a no contact order. I want him to get help and be able to work things out but with all this, especially the no contact order we can't even talk. His family hired a lawyer for each of us so I can help him not go to jail, and I'm requesting that he do anger management, domestic violence program, and see a psychiatrist. I really think he has something undiagnosed. Hes always had anger and rage, and was verbally abusive and has been getting increasingly physical but I'm hoping he can change with a diagnosis and help. But I'm scared I won't get the chance to see it because we won't be able to talk. I keep going back and forth in my head between wanting to figure this out with him and trying to convince myself not to. My heart is broken. But he was all I had left after I lost everything in my life, including custody of my beautiful daughter (abusive corrupt custody battle plus drugs to cope) the year before and hes been helping me get my life together. Plus I'm stranded at my dads an hour away from him and everything else until I get my license back. I'm stuck in this house all day and night going nuts. I know this is a lot but my thoughts and this loneliness is driving me crazy. I could really just use some support, advice, and someone to talk to. Can he change? I also feel guilty for admitting to the police what he did. Why do I feel so guilty?