Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Every time I try to talk to my partner about my abusive ex he just looks blank. Or sometimes bored, he'll stare at his computer game or continue looking at the TV screen, while the person he says he loves tries to open up. I might be telling him that I'm not okay, because I saw someone in a carpark that might have been him, but was just too far away to be sure. Or an old school friend might have mentioned him in a facebook status. He's one of those people who gets a new facebook account a few times a year and it's impossible to block all of them.
I hardly talk about him constantly. Maybe something will trigger it once every few months. But my boyfriend just never seems interested.
Last night we finally argued about it. It happened because I decided to use a website I haven't used in years to share a short story. When I logged on I saw a picture of his face, it caught me off guard. I forgot I had him as a friend on this site, and that we were together the last time I used it. To make matters worse that site asked me to activate my email again. I used an old email address for that site. So I tried to log onto my old email and it came up with a huge thing saying "looks like someone else has been using your email." I couldn't fix it and log in with old questions or anything. It was all a nasty reminder of how he used to hack my facebook and email all the time and spy on me, and do other sneaky things I don't even want to think about.
So upset, I turned to my boyfriend and told him what was going on. He gave me a hug - he's certainly no monster. But he didn't want to talk about it. In fact after the quick hug he turned the headphones on his PC up so loudly that he couldn't hear me. Obviously making a statement about not wanting to talk about my ex. Eventually that night he took the headphones off and said "I feel like I need to say something. I do care about you, but I just don't want to talk about your ex. So when you need to complain about it please talk to someone else." Later on he clarified that he thinks if I need to complain it means 'the door is still open.' And that I shouldn't take it seriously - he's always refused to talk to previous girlfriends about their exes.
Apart from being massively offended that he implied I might ever get back together with my abuser, I find this extremely hypocritical considering he's often invited his exes over to our house and is always putting me in situations where I have to socialize with them. Yet he can't tolerate even discussing mine. It wounds and offends me that he called it 'complaining about my ex.' It seems like he doesn't believe that I was abused and he thinks I'm just bitter. The fear of not being believed is a deep scar my ex gave me... he alienated me and gas-lighted me to the point where I was sure no one ever would believe me. He told other people that I was the crazy one, and that I was petty and bitter and jealous and so I made everything up. So now to this day the idea of someone not believing me hurts like nothing else.
It isn't just my ex... my boyfriend doesn't really like talking about anything deep and personal. We're happy. He gets home from work and I get home from uni, we talk about our day. We eat dinner together then watch TV or play games and cuddle. I feel stable and comfortable with him, and he's a good man who has never hurt me.
But now I know for sure that he doesn't want to know me. What happened with my ex was unspeakably awful, but it shaped me. It is a huge part of me. I escaped and built myself a life - I'll never stop being proud of that. I don't want the subject to be completely off limits.
My boyfriend seems to expect we'll just be together forever, he's already saving for a deposit on a house for us. I don't want to live my life only able to speak about the normal, mundane things. I always wanted to eventually end up with someone who I could share thoughts with, and who I knew inside and out. The great bits and the messy, horrible bits. And who actually wanted to know me. That's another lasting scar from my abuser... he was a narcissistic and sociopath. I was just an accessory to him. He didn't give a crap about who or what I was beneath the surface. I don't want to be an accessory again. It wouldn't be as painful and horrific this time, but I feel like at the moment I'm just a default, generic girlfriend to my partner. He doesn't know me underneath and doesn't particularly want to.
I don't want to live my life in a little private bubble filled with dark memories.
I hardly talk about him constantly. Maybe something will trigger it once every few months. But my boyfriend just never seems interested.
Last night we finally argued about it. It happened because I decided to use a website I haven't used in years to share a short story. When I logged on I saw a picture of his face, it caught me off guard. I forgot I had him as a friend on this site, and that we were together the last time I used it. To make matters worse that site asked me to activate my email again. I used an old email address for that site. So I tried to log onto my old email and it came up with a huge thing saying "looks like someone else has been using your email." I couldn't fix it and log in with old questions or anything. It was all a nasty reminder of how he used to hack my facebook and email all the time and spy on me, and do other sneaky things I don't even want to think about.
So upset, I turned to my boyfriend and told him what was going on. He gave me a hug - he's certainly no monster. But he didn't want to talk about it. In fact after the quick hug he turned the headphones on his PC up so loudly that he couldn't hear me. Obviously making a statement about not wanting to talk about my ex. Eventually that night he took the headphones off and said "I feel like I need to say something. I do care about you, but I just don't want to talk about your ex. So when you need to complain about it please talk to someone else." Later on he clarified that he thinks if I need to complain it means 'the door is still open.' And that I shouldn't take it seriously - he's always refused to talk to previous girlfriends about their exes.
Apart from being massively offended that he implied I might ever get back together with my abuser, I find this extremely hypocritical considering he's often invited his exes over to our house and is always putting me in situations where I have to socialize with them. Yet he can't tolerate even discussing mine. It wounds and offends me that he called it 'complaining about my ex.' It seems like he doesn't believe that I was abused and he thinks I'm just bitter. The fear of not being believed is a deep scar my ex gave me... he alienated me and gas-lighted me to the point where I was sure no one ever would believe me. He told other people that I was the crazy one, and that I was petty and bitter and jealous and so I made everything up. So now to this day the idea of someone not believing me hurts like nothing else.
It isn't just my ex... my boyfriend doesn't really like talking about anything deep and personal. We're happy. He gets home from work and I get home from uni, we talk about our day. We eat dinner together then watch TV or play games and cuddle. I feel stable and comfortable with him, and he's a good man who has never hurt me.
But now I know for sure that he doesn't want to know me. What happened with my ex was unspeakably awful, but it shaped me. It is a huge part of me. I escaped and built myself a life - I'll never stop being proud of that. I don't want the subject to be completely off limits.
My boyfriend seems to expect we'll just be together forever, he's already saving for a deposit on a house for us. I don't want to live my life only able to speak about the normal, mundane things. I always wanted to eventually end up with someone who I could share thoughts with, and who I knew inside and out. The great bits and the messy, horrible bits. And who actually wanted to know me. That's another lasting scar from my abuser... he was a narcissistic and sociopath. I was just an accessory to him. He didn't give a crap about who or what I was beneath the surface. I don't want to be an accessory again. It wouldn't be as painful and horrific this time, but I feel like at the moment I'm just a default, generic girlfriend to my partner. He doesn't know me underneath and doesn't particularly want to.
I don't want to live my life in a little private bubble filled with dark memories.
very articulate,
intelligent,
courageous and
a woman of
considerable
depth.
If, looking ahead,
you're pretty clear
that this relationship
is pleasant but not
the one you're hoping
for as someone with
whom you want to share
the rest of your life, then
for sure. . . . don't buy
real estate together,
don't get pregnant
together and begin
considering how
and when you want
to clear the field so
you'll be open and ready
for someone who's
a better match for
the kind of partner
you hope for.
For the record, I agree
with you. A healthy intimate
relationship includes both
partners being able to be
open and accepted by the
other, emotionally, as well
as physically. If you're
hoping to have that in
your life, then this isn't
the intimate partnership
for you.
Also, when a partner works
on a double standard about
something, that's a red flag
for other potentially bad things.
(I'm talking about having
his exes close enough
to socialize with but not
wanting to hear you even
speak about yours
because he's so
insecure that he
believes you might
be still bonded with
them.)
Finally, since you're
attend university, is
there a counseling
department available
to you? Have you already
used those resources
and if not, would you
consider doing so?
It's possible you still
have some processing
to do, in regards to
recovering from having
been abused. If you
haven't already, please
consider talking with a
counselor or therapist
about what you've been
through. It can be of
tremendous value in
both the short- and
long-term.
Take good care.
Firstly, my new boyfriend allows me to talk as much as I want about my abusive ex. I allow him to talk about his ex also. Obviously, my ex, being the highly abusive one gets talked about more often than his ex. My boyfriend understands that I am still triggered.
Most importantly between us we are both mature enough to know that the other has a past, a life before we met. We both don't delude ourselves in thinking that we are the beginning of each others universe. So baring this in mind, neither one of us get jealous, offended or insecure about each others pasts. Talking about it or not doesn't change it. To not talk about it would only mean it is silent, it wouldn't mean it never existed
Secondly, I myself in the past was in a relationship (my first boyfriend) were I could not talk to him and I have to say that I was miserable, personally. But also please bare in mind he too was abusive. He was very controlling.
Thirdly. Some people just don't have the capability to listen. Maybe instead of telling your BF about her ex BF, talk to someone else. On here, a friend or family member, a counseller, anyone who can hear you. It might not always be that you need to be heard by your current BF regarding your triggers, it could just be about being heard, then as you are heard you can release the trigger and heal bit by bit. Why not try this for a starting point.
There have been things in the past (not about my ex) but about other stuff that my now BF wasn't ready to listen to. Instead I talked to someone else about. Eventually I worked slowly on my BF to be able to get him to hear me on these things. Now after patience, we can have those conversations that months ago he wasn't ready for. All it took was patience and gentle learning to him and he woke up and was able to hear me. Maybe do this. Pushing him when he is giving you a clear "I don't have the ability to listen" is never a good idea. With my now BF I knew that he was worth the wait. He showed great signs of someone who was willing to grow with me, along side me. Facing your triggers is a sign of growth from you. Now my BF didn't grow with me straight away, but I knew he would do eventually and I was right, after time be began to.
Another thing to consider is that he really doesn't like nor will he ever like listening about your ex. If this is the case then you can find this out for sure (or as close as u could get to it) after eliminating other reasons (as I have mentioned above) then u will more or less know. If this turns to be the case then you a few options,
1) accept that this is who he is, maybe u can get deep with other things not just your abused past. If so then find another outlet. Someone else to talk to about your ex.
2) reconsider your current relationship. If you can not see yourself being happy then don't force yourself to wait for happiness to appear. If he isn't what you want then you must be honest, firstly towards yourself and secondly to him on the basis of respect for the pair of you.
I may add this....he may not have a clue about how he's made u feel. He may just think of his reasons and that you should hear him Simply because he feels it's very reasonable from his view point to not want to hear about your ex. Maybe he feels as if you are clinging on, especially if he's asleep to the process of triggers (asleep meaning he doesn't comprehend) and abuse.
My first reaction is that I am concerned about this relationship you are in. The BIG red flag is that he forces you to HANG with his exes, but you can't even share with him that you might have run into your ABUSER.
I could see if he meant that he does not feel equipped to counsel you and he encouraged you to talk to a therapist because he's concerned about you, but no... he just can't be bothered by your stress. Yuck.
Also, you say he doesn't want to know you and that you can't share your deepest thoughts with him.
My take on this? I think you have over-valued him just because he doesn't abuse you like your ex did. I don't think your current BF is the one for you.
Hope I didn't upset you.
Hugs.
I share almost everything with my husband, but the one thing I don't really get into are my past train wrecks of relationships. We've both scratched the surface of our past, but only on a need to know basis. It's just not fun to think of our current partners being with someone else. So if you break up with this BF, I'd take some time off, heal, and the next person you date, take it slow, fill them in lightly about your past and only engage with a very secure person.
Every time i bring it up he changes the subject or he says "i love you for who you are now, not who you were then" Which that line irritates me to no end. He is a great guy, he has never hit me. No red flags. Only issue is we don't have that connection I miss so much. I'm the type that wants to know everything about my partner and who they are.
But I just don't know what to do really. He's a great guy, successful, kind, comes from a very well off family etc. But here's the problem he just hasn't had anything bad happen to him. No big deaths in the family, no serious trauma, parents still happily married, grew up never wanting for anything. Where my life is complete opposite. I've just come to the point of where I think he just doesn't know how to relate or endure hardship because he's never had any. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, but other then that he's great. So i'm torn as to what really to do about it. Trust me we've had our discussions about it.
Sometimes, a "normal" relationship can feel wrong if we're used to other kinds...
The "bear all" types can get very codependent with others... Also, it depends upon how long you've been dating...
I'd suggest that in the future, stay PLATONIC with a guy until you get passed this point...
want in an intimate
relationship, is a level of
emotional connection and
intimacy that is inappropriate
in most other kinds of
relationships.
If emotional connection
and intimacy is important
to you in an intimate
relationship, than
however "nice" a
partner may be, if
he (or she) has no
desire for or ability
to be emotionally
connected, than
that part of what
you desire from
that partner will
probably always
be absent from
your life, if you
choose to
remains in
relationship
without it.