Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl
About a week ago ~~~~~ posted a response
mentioning boundaries. Boundaries are such
an important topic that I wanted to pick up on
that subject for today's Howl.
Boundaries, in the context of interpersonal interaction
have several essential elements. One is that boundaries
are dependent on several things: One is on categories
. . . . . a segment of people involved in particular activities
such as. . . . . family, friends, intimate partner, co-workers,
people we don't know, etc.
The second is particular people on an individual basis.
Another essential element is where we ourselves are
at a specific/particular point in time. Which means
that what might be a healthy boundary at one point
in time may not be a healthy boundary at a different
point in time, depending on our emotinal/physical state.
Now.. . . . . to specifying and maintaining CLEAR boundaries:
Clear boundaries are also dependent on several elements:
Perhaps the most vital of these is consistency.
If we express (in whatever manner --- either verbally
or by action), that we have laid down a boundary . . . . . . .
if we waffle on maintaining that boundary, our expression
of that boundary ultimately means little to nothing.
For instance, if we specify to someone with whom we
speak on the phone, that we love talking with them,
but we don't take calls after _____ p.m., and after
stating that, some time goes by and eventually they
call us after ______ p.m., and we take their call, and
spend half an hour on the phone with them. . . . . . .
then the boundary we have specified as not taking calls
after that going-to-bed-routine time. . . . . . means
nothing.
Our specified boundary was no more than smoke in
the breeze.
If that person, then keeps calling us after the time
we said not to call, we have no grounds for further
complaint.
Healthy, clear, appropriately maintained boundaries
take clarity, consistency and practice.
What they then yield is a fundamental basis
for healthier, happier interpersonal interaction.
Wolf's Daily Howl
About a week ago ~~~~~ posted a response
mentioning boundaries. Boundaries are such
an important topic that I wanted to pick up on
that subject for today's Howl.
Boundaries, in the context of interpersonal interaction
have several essential elements. One is that boundaries
are dependent on several things: One is on categories
. . . . . a segment of people involved in particular activities
such as. . . . . family, friends, intimate partner, co-workers,
people we don't know, etc.
The second is particular people on an individual basis.
Another essential element is where we ourselves are
at a specific/particular point in time. Which means
that what might be a healthy boundary at one point
in time may not be a healthy boundary at a different
point in time, depending on our emotinal/physical state.
Now.. . . . . to specifying and maintaining CLEAR boundaries:
Clear boundaries are also dependent on several elements:
Perhaps the most vital of these is consistency.
If we express (in whatever manner --- either verbally
or by action), that we have laid down a boundary . . . . . . .
if we waffle on maintaining that boundary, our expression
of that boundary ultimately means little to nothing.
For instance, if we specify to someone with whom we
speak on the phone, that we love talking with them,
but we don't take calls after _____ p.m., and after
stating that, some time goes by and eventually they
call us after ______ p.m., and we take their call, and
spend half an hour on the phone with them. . . . . . .
then the boundary we have specified as not taking calls
after that going-to-bed-routine time. . . . . . means
nothing.
Our specified boundary was no more than smoke in
the breeze.
If that person, then keeps calling us after the time
we said not to call, we have no grounds for further
complaint.
Healthy, clear, appropriately maintained boundaries
take clarity, consistency and practice.
What they then yield is a fundamental basis
for healthier, happier interpersonal interaction.
"Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Very helpful in my recovery and making sure this never happens to me again.
we said not to call, we have no grounds for further
complaint"
I don't agree with this. I think just because someone has successfully breached a set boundary and feels entitled to keep breaching it, doesn't mean that the person who set it doesn't have a right to complain. The person who set it does need to restate the boundary and the consequences if it keeps happening but a bigger question remains in why the person who keeps crossing a stated boundary feels the need or entitlement to keep attempting to cross it.
In a mutual relationship the responsibility lies with both to be respectful. In an abusive or power over relationship the one who wants power over or dominance doesn't respect a stated boundary. and will keep attempting to test their limits. In a mutual relationship the need to cross boundaries, push limits and be disrespectful doesn't exist.
He is either oblivious to someone having boundaries or sees them as a threat/challenge.
After 3 1/2 years of him in my life, I find myself feeling guilty about having any boundaries which is ridiculous. I don't consciously feel this way...it's a side effect of allow myself to be steam rolled on a regular basis.
Part of my recovery is becoming even aware of what I would like my boundaries to be and being OK with verbalizing them!!
ugh....more damage they do.
A few weeks later, he called me 5 times at 9:40 am until 10:30 am, trying different numbers saying he wanted to have coffee. I did not answer because it was outside the 10-10 boundary. A few weeks later, he showed up at my house around 8:30 pm. He rang the front door bell, then the upstairs back door, then the basement door. I was home and he knew it but I did not answer.
He has disprected both boundaries that I set about not contacting me outisde of 10-10 and not just showing up at my house. This was the last straw of a series of dominating and controlling behavior. Needless to say, he has not shown up since because I made it very clear that he cannot breach my boundaries. Not winning hurt his narcissistic pride and he cannot risk it again. Good riddance.
Abusers and violators perceive
someone else's boundaries as
a challenge, a dare, and yes, a
threat.
menaue's articulation of her
relative's disregard for her
call and visiting boundaries
is an awesome description
of this dynamic. (Good work,
mena!)
And Learned . . . . . thanks for
pulling out that statement. It
obviously needs further articulation:
If we've clearly and consistently
laid out a boundary, and subsequently
had it violated . . . . . and then we choose
to maintain further contact with the
violator ------ our action (of maintaining
contact despite our specification and
the violator's subsequent flip-off/violation
-------- our action is telling the violator,
"Oh. Okay. Forget what I said. You just
go right on abusing my boundaries and
me, and don't worry. I won't implement
any consequences."
If we choose to stay connected with
someone who can't or won't respect
a our boundary or boundaries, we
then have to determine how important
our connection or attachment to this
abuser, is. There are different options
and we can choose from among them.
And, yes. There's a difference in what
can be achieved, interacting with a
relatively healthy person and a dysfunctional
person. A relatively healthy person will care
about what you feel and what you say, and
will at least TRY to deliver to you, what you
request.
An abuser will be entertained by your
unhappiness.
It took me a long time to understand that and to understand that stating a boundary to an abuser or controlling person just presents a challenge and as you say a way to amuse themselves by repeatedly proving they can be crossed. Personally I believe abusers are fully aware of respectful boundaries and what is generally considered respectful and don't need to be told or reminded. stating a boundary to an abuser is like saying the sky is blue, they know that and don't care. An adult shouldn't have to be told the concepts of basic respect and if they do need to be told then the level of their maturity needs be questioned as well as why anyone would want to stay involved in a relationship with someone who pretends to not know what basic respect is and justifies their disrespect and abuse because it was "allowed" as a result of someone not giving them consequences or ending the relationship.
But then there are other boundaries that are a bit more "person-specific" like the calling before or after a certain time of day. To me, boundaries are also a bit like priorities in that a boundary is about what's important to ME. Or it's about likes and dislikes. And some of those do need to be articulated. Once.
I am only now starting to learn just how good it feels to articulate something important to me, once, and to never have to actually enforce that boundary because it's just a given that he won't cross it.