Isha,

That is easy to do. And you will do it over and over again. But there will come a day when your taking the blame, becomes taking back you life. Saying it was what it was, but I choose to move forward.

Sometimes it is easier for us to blame ourselves than the ones who hurt us. But to me its all about accountability.

List out the things you did to make the marriage work. Things will become clear when you do this.

I don't think that you set out to be abused, nor did you just say well let me see how bad I can make this marriage. I think you worked the marriage and you tried.

Its like running into a brick wall over and over again when only one person works at the relationship.

Cut yourself some slack. Remember that you wanted a good marriage. It just cannot work without two people working it.

hugs n luv to you.

Abusers abuse because abusers abuse.

Abusers need victims or they can't abuse.

Abusers tell victims that they only abuse the victims because the victims "make" them.

This is a lie.

This is a lie AND abuse.

The mental and emotional abuse continue on long after the verbal abuse, because the abusers brainswash the victims into believing what the abusers said.

Victims do NOT cause the abuse.

Victims do NOT ruin the relationship.

Abusers ruin the relationship, with abuse.

When you stop believing what the abusers say, you begin to end the abuse and you begin to heal.

By healing, you become less susceptible to believe what that abuser or another abuser may tell you in the future.

Any questions?

Good luck, to you.

Be well.

Ilene

Thanks Tame for your soothing words..It really helped me..I am feeling a lot better...And Illene thanks for the post...You made me realize that how manipulative these abusers can get...I wouldn't have survived without DS and all the support and care I have got here...Thanks...

No body is perfect, so sure you probably did some things that were wrong and not helpful to your relationship, but that is where if he loved you back he would have forgiven and comforted you. It sounds like since you are willing to introspect that you are a caring person, I wonder if your ex is willing to do some introspection? Jesus loves you, of course He loves your ex too, but the point is Jesus will lift all your burdens off of your back and show you a more excellent abundant life. Look unto Jesus the author and finisher of your faith, who is able to keep us in His love, a love that does not fail. If you feel you have wronged, give it to Jesus, confess your wrongs and He is faithful and just to forgive you and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. His peace He leaves with us, and His joy, may the Lord Jesus bless and keep you and strengthen you in His unconditional love.

Yes it's normal to feel like this (we all feel this to some degree!), but please know you're not to blame for your abuser's behavior. I know they program us to think this way, but it is not reality.
Some short term therapy could really be beneficial to you, help rebuild some self-esteem, and let you see that things are not the way he presented them to you. They really do a number on us, making us question ourselves.
It takes work to get back to a place where you realize it was all BS, and the reason they picked us in the first place is because we are good people.
Hugs!

Sadly, abusers are seldom capable of introspection.

Not your fault.

It really isnt. When you see the guy as a man with issues it is easier for me.

He triggered you over and over. What you did was self defense.

Abusers find the grain of truth in every bad behaviour we did and blow it up. Its a trick.

Thanks Isha for sharing your feelings about blaming yourself. And thanks for all the responses. I have been battling the same feelings and just reading this thread was so helpful and insightful.

so thanks!

Thnx inLuv...I am a strong believer of God..I trust that if I wrong someone then I will definnitely pay for it...To tell you how I used to anger him is this small example...He called..We had had a fight and so I am trying to resolve it...He said that he wants to keep the phone two times..I am still asking him that let's talk and resolve this prob as it will only distance us..He suddnely gets enraged..Called me Salli Kutti..which is Bitch in Indian language..I start crying..He bangs the phone..Then calls me again in 2-3 mins..I get relived thinking that he will apologize and makeup..He says-Isha you deserve what I said to you as you didn't let me put the phone..(after that also I was the one who made up)

Thanks Calm...That really helped..It's so true that they just program us this way to make abusing us easier for them..

Thanks Heal..That is soooo true...If they could have introspect things could have worked out...

Thanks Kath...It's all about their control over us...If we respond then we are labelled as the SELFISH ONE

Notsr don't feel you are alone..We all are fighting the same evil..our Abuser...All the best to you...

My heart breaks for you... I'm so sorry for your pain and frustration. I've been there too, and I know that words cut deeper than any physical pain could, but you also have to realize who YOU are, and not what he labeled you as. You define who you are, and what you will become, and there is NOTHING he can say or do to take that away from you.

I read a book called "When Love Hurts" when I broke up with my ex, and it has saved me. I HIGHLY recommend it!!

Keep trucking, dear, and have faith in yourself :) you're much better than he made you feel

The way you're feeling is completely normal because that's how he's made you feel. He's just using that as an excuse,my ex was the same. It was never his fault that he was abusive,it was always my fault-i made him do it,i pushed him,i made him angry and so on. None of these things were true and it isn't true for you either. I competely understand why you feel the way you do but you have to see that he's just excusing his behaviour by blaming it on you. It's not right but it's what they're good at. If you ever want someone to talk to,just let me know,i'm always happy to listen. Take care x

Thanx idoth...It's just I was feeded all this definition about me for 7 long years...by the person whom I loved,cared, and looked upto..until I started believing that it is true...Even today when someone says something nice about me all I can think of is why is he lying??I am definitely gonna buy that book today..I need something to explain what I have become today...and why??

Thanks Cherry for your support..Yes you are right..No one has the right to abuse anyone..No matter what...
I am trying to get out of this negative frame of mind..Hope that will happen soon....

some times we're so use to being mentally abused that we begin to assist our abuser as in when thier not around we take up the slack and abuse ourselves on thier behalf for they have programmed us will.

sounds like your jerk has done such a good job that he/she has caused you to question yourself. ---When in doubt ask a therapest.

if needed get a no contact court order.
if you have children w a jerk - the order can make it as in that only communication can be of - about the children - not a means to belittle, manipulate,control and abuse.

speak w therapest - learn about yourself and obtain tools in which to alter that which you wish to do and after your whole then and only then think about dateing.

Congradulations on your seperation & divorce & reclaiming & building your own life.

we're smart and lucky that we didn't waste yrs in 1 sided, part time marriage.
Only regrett I have is that I wasted my 30tys.

Thanx Admiral...Really evryone's kind words have really helped me to rebuild my life from scratch...I am currently trying to rework on my self confidence..and am keeping contact with only those people who aren't harmful to my recovery if not good... :-)