Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello, Everyone! I found an interesting article by a young woman about her experience with showing her mother that she big chopped her relaxed to become natural. Please, feel free to read this article before reading on:
http://blackgirllonghair.com/2009/12/your-photos-your-thoughts-mom-slaps-daughter-across-the-face-after-she-does-the-big-chop/
Entering into the New Year of 2012, I decided that I wanted to make a change; I wanted to take full responisiblity of my health and well-being. My first step was to cut off my over-pressed relaxed hair. I can't remember how my hair looked like when I was little but according to my mom, my twin brother had the "good" hair while mine wasn't good enough.
I did not flat out tell my mom that I wanted to go natural but I gave her subtle hints. She asked what kind of hairstyle would I like before the semester starts. I showed her print outs of women with beautiful natural hair styles. Then during our conversation I brought up the question: "What do you think if I cut my hair really short?" She replied "Hmph. You can do whatever you want." That was all I needed to hear.
I was up at 1 o clock in the morning cutting off my damaged straight hair. I start from the front of head because I know once I cut a big chunk of hair in the front their will be no turning back. I was pleaslty surpised that my natural hair was so soft and fluffy.
The next morning, my mom found a bag of my hair in the bathroom garbage bin. Since, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore I showed my family my little afro. My mother laughed at what I did and my brothers and my dad said that they didn't like the way I look.
Throughout my 2 years of being natural, my mother has been my major enemy towards my hair. My mom would grab my hair, harshy comb it out, and put harmful products in it WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I've told her to leave my hair alone but she would always tell me that I can't do my own hair properly. I'M 22 YEARS OLD! I 'am in charge of my own personal care!
She has been verbally abusive towards the way I look with my natural hair:
"You look poor"
"Are you Jamaician? Haitian women don't look like that!"
"Didn't you do your hair? You look ugly"
"I will not drive you to school with your hair like that."
"Why don't you put grease in you hair?"
"You didn't comb you hair"
"Put a wig on"
"Your hair looks like rat droppings"
A year ago, me and my mom got into an altercation. She kept on putting her hands in my hair with out my permission again. She kept plucking out pieces of my hair to show me that I wasn't taking care of it. What she doesn't understand that thoses are shedded hair, which is a natural occurance within the hair cycle. I told her to stop touching my hair. She responded by angerilly gripping a palm full of my hair, wreched it and dragged me to the other side of her. I felt a throbbing pain on the left side of my temple. "You're crazy!" I yelled out at her, which was a surpise to me because I rarely ever yell at anyone. She yelled out the following:
"PUT A WIG ON!"
"GO TO THE SALON!"
"GET A PERM!"
My mom has overly processed hair that has never grown past her shoulders. She really believes that natural hair is in general ugly.
For my natural hair ladies, have did you ever experience any type of abuse(Emotional, Verbal, Physical, etc) from your relatives or anyone else for having natural hair. If so, what was the reason(s) behind their abuse towards you and how did you handle this situation.
http://blackgirllonghair.com/2009/12/your-photos-your-thoughts-mom-slaps-daughter-across-the-face-after-she-does-the-big-chop/
Entering into the New Year of 2012, I decided that I wanted to make a change; I wanted to take full responisiblity of my health and well-being. My first step was to cut off my over-pressed relaxed hair. I can't remember how my hair looked like when I was little but according to my mom, my twin brother had the "good" hair while mine wasn't good enough.
I did not flat out tell my mom that I wanted to go natural but I gave her subtle hints. She asked what kind of hairstyle would I like before the semester starts. I showed her print outs of women with beautiful natural hair styles. Then during our conversation I brought up the question: "What do you think if I cut my hair really short?" She replied "Hmph. You can do whatever you want." That was all I needed to hear.
I was up at 1 o clock in the morning cutting off my damaged straight hair. I start from the front of head because I know once I cut a big chunk of hair in the front their will be no turning back. I was pleaslty surpised that my natural hair was so soft and fluffy.
The next morning, my mom found a bag of my hair in the bathroom garbage bin. Since, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore I showed my family my little afro. My mother laughed at what I did and my brothers and my dad said that they didn't like the way I look.
Throughout my 2 years of being natural, my mother has been my major enemy towards my hair. My mom would grab my hair, harshy comb it out, and put harmful products in it WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I've told her to leave my hair alone but she would always tell me that I can't do my own hair properly. I'M 22 YEARS OLD! I 'am in charge of my own personal care!
She has been verbally abusive towards the way I look with my natural hair:
"You look poor"
"Are you Jamaician? Haitian women don't look like that!"
"Didn't you do your hair? You look ugly"
"I will not drive you to school with your hair like that."
"Why don't you put grease in you hair?"
"You didn't comb you hair"
"Put a wig on"
"Your hair looks like rat droppings"
A year ago, me and my mom got into an altercation. She kept on putting her hands in my hair with out my permission again. She kept plucking out pieces of my hair to show me that I wasn't taking care of it. What she doesn't understand that thoses are shedded hair, which is a natural occurance within the hair cycle. I told her to stop touching my hair. She responded by angerilly gripping a palm full of my hair, wreched it and dragged me to the other side of her. I felt a throbbing pain on the left side of my temple. "You're crazy!" I yelled out at her, which was a surpise to me because I rarely ever yell at anyone. She yelled out the following:
"PUT A WIG ON!"
"GO TO THE SALON!"
"GET A PERM!"
My mom has overly processed hair that has never grown past her shoulders. She really believes that natural hair is in general ugly.
For my natural hair ladies, have did you ever experience any type of abuse(Emotional, Verbal, Physical, etc) from your relatives or anyone else for having natural hair. If so, what was the reason(s) behind their abuse towards you and how did you handle this situation.
My hair turned curly when I was eleven. Also, my mother was so cheap, she made my sister and I wash our hair with a bar of soap. The shampoo was only for here. Well, you can imagine. Dry out hair like this and you have a Chia pet.
I remember my mother going livid at me in church one morning because of the way my hair looked. She started spitting whispered threats at me about how I had embarrassed her and what was going to happen to me. It was an afternoon of beatings because, at 11 and in puberty, I couldn't control my curly hair without products.
There is nothing you can do about people like this except get as far away as possible from them. They are evil. You aren't going to fix evil. All you can do is get away from it.
Hugs.
I often thought this was an issue among the black community but I'm learning that it is not the case. I've met white women that have said they hate that their hair is straight and wished that it was wavy or tightly coiled. I even have a Jewish friend who told me that she got a perm once or twice before so can alter its curl pattern.
I believe that the two main factors that contributes to my mom's disdain for natural hair these: 1)Generational Experience & 2)Colorism
My mom was born in the 1960's so their was still friction between the black and the white community. Also, colorism played a huge in Haiti after the Haitian Revolution. There are a lot of Haitian people who have both African and European. Those with fairer skin and less kinky hair where considered beautiful and upper class while those with darker skin and kinky hair are consider poor and lower class. My mom even mentioned my father was often spoiled in Haiti by his mother because he had fairer skin.
I suspect the reason my mother reacted so viscerally to the kinking up of mine and my sister's hair might have been her well--buried suspicion about my father's heritage.
My sister and I both love our curly hair now. Don't let your mother infest you with her toxic shame.
Im a caucasian red head. As a child, when my mother was in charge of my long locks they got a lot of compliments (I didnt as a person - just my hair). I guess my mother saw my "beautiful" hair as an extension of herself - or at least as her responsibility. As an adult my hair is never right for my mother. We live in different countries so I dont see her very often. She really wanted to see me around my 40th birthday and I thought - great - she is actually aware Im a grown woman. Yet during that visit I was asked if Id "combed my hair today yet" as though I were a little girl.
Since then Ive pretty much accepted that when I see my mother my hair will be one of the following: the wrong colour, too long, too short, not curly enough, too frizzy or too "unkempt". Obviously my mothers comments are not filled with the hate and rage that you receive. But they do annoy me. Im sure your mothers comments and actions deeply hurtful to you - even if you do understand her.
I do applaud you for taking your own stance about this issue. Continue to do your hair any way you like. You are an adult and no longer part of your mothers sad value system.
You might like this blog-
http://daughtersofauset.blogspot.com/2011/09/light-skin-and-straig
I'm German and my ex is African American and my ex mother-In law had a lot of hair issues. I used to braid my long hair after washing and then take the braids out before going to work. Boy, she used to get so mad at me, telling me she does not like when white girls wear their hair like that. After the birth of biracial daughter ,her hair was constant issue.- I have to admit that at the time I did not understand what it was all about, it was not until I took some sociology classes that I was enlightened about the hair thing.
I would say stand your ground and wear you hair the way you want. Don't allow her to make you feel bad. You might also tell her where her attitude is coming from.
I don't like the fact my mother keeps saying things like "well, she's white so that means she has good hair" while doing my niece's. Mother would also insult me in front of my niece telling me how ugly my hair was. I countered her negativity by either saying that "good hair is hair that is properly taken care of" or just ignore her comment and play with my niece. I'm just nervous that my mom wants to put a relax on her hair at young age just like me because she gets frustrated with her hair.