Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, then married an emotionally abusive man. I've been out of that marriage for almost 6 years now and had to do some hard psychological work to get myself centered and balanced. I'm not angry with Dad or husband anymore. I can see they were/are miserable themselves and I just want to get on with my life.
Problem is, I feel like a canary in a coal mine when it comes to abusive people I encounter in my life. I spot them before others can get it. When they just look "difficult" or "challenging" to others, I know they'll never change, there's no way to make anything better with them, and that they're bad news for anybody and anything connected with them. But people around me think I just have to try harder, that we need to pull together for the team.
But being a canary, I just can't deal with the toxic poison abusers spew. And it feels hopeless to try to convince others that I know what I'm talking about, that I'm not just being "too sensitive," that this isn't just a matter of two people who can't get along with one another.
The situation is that I run a non-profit agency and one of my new board members has become abusive. He even blew up at me in front of the chairman of my board. I had to get up and walk away from him 3 times, to keep on an even keel. The fact that he couldn't manipulate me into losing it made him lose it and he stalked off. The board member characterized his behavior as "flipping out" and also said, "I've never seen anyone behave like that in a professional setting." (And the chairman is well experienced.)
I know this abusive board member is going to be toxic not only to me, but he is so manipulative that, despite what he promises, he will be really bad for the organization. But I can't convince the chair of any of that. He's just thinking that he's got two people who can't get along and we should just put our differences aside and get along for the sake of the organization. I'd be happy to do that, but can see that the abuser is not capable of that. He's incredibly argumentative and i can't even tell what the heck he means when he's arguing. He doesn't make sense, really. There's no way to set differences aside when the differences make no sense and seem made up on the spot just to get a rise out of me.
So I'm faced with the prospect of leaving this work that I love because I can't take the poison anymore. I feel allergic to it. And since we are a start up, the organization will probably fold if I leave.
People are saying to me, you should fight! Don't let him win! But I just hit this point, where I just deflate and don't have energy for it. I think that's the learned helplessness point. When I was married, I'd try and try and try to communicate, but never got anywhere. After awhile, I'd only try and try. Then I'd try. And eventually, I just felt helpless. So I haven't got a lot of trying left in me before I hit that deflation/exhaustion point where I just want to escape and find an easier path in life.
The thing is, the chair of the board is really a terrific man. And he wants to do the right thing and thinks he is in not getting rid of the abuser. He just doesn't seem to get it that this guy is totally bad news. He did say he'd read something if I sent him material about abusive personalities. But then when I look at things to read, I can see there are lots of ways that they can be argued against, that the lists of traits don't quite fit this guy, or that it's a matter of degree, etc. So I feel, "What's the use?"
I've just been feeling so exhausted since that scene last Tuesday...
Does anyone have any suggestions for getting past that learned helplessness point? For convincing others that you really are an expert in spotting these people and not just over sensitive?
Can anyone offer any support?
Problem is, I feel like a canary in a coal mine when it comes to abusive people I encounter in my life. I spot them before others can get it. When they just look "difficult" or "challenging" to others, I know they'll never change, there's no way to make anything better with them, and that they're bad news for anybody and anything connected with them. But people around me think I just have to try harder, that we need to pull together for the team.
But being a canary, I just can't deal with the toxic poison abusers spew. And it feels hopeless to try to convince others that I know what I'm talking about, that I'm not just being "too sensitive," that this isn't just a matter of two people who can't get along with one another.
The situation is that I run a non-profit agency and one of my new board members has become abusive. He even blew up at me in front of the chairman of my board. I had to get up and walk away from him 3 times, to keep on an even keel. The fact that he couldn't manipulate me into losing it made him lose it and he stalked off. The board member characterized his behavior as "flipping out" and also said, "I've never seen anyone behave like that in a professional setting." (And the chairman is well experienced.)
I know this abusive board member is going to be toxic not only to me, but he is so manipulative that, despite what he promises, he will be really bad for the organization. But I can't convince the chair of any of that. He's just thinking that he's got two people who can't get along and we should just put our differences aside and get along for the sake of the organization. I'd be happy to do that, but can see that the abuser is not capable of that. He's incredibly argumentative and i can't even tell what the heck he means when he's arguing. He doesn't make sense, really. There's no way to set differences aside when the differences make no sense and seem made up on the spot just to get a rise out of me.
So I'm faced with the prospect of leaving this work that I love because I can't take the poison anymore. I feel allergic to it. And since we are a start up, the organization will probably fold if I leave.
People are saying to me, you should fight! Don't let him win! But I just hit this point, where I just deflate and don't have energy for it. I think that's the learned helplessness point. When I was married, I'd try and try and try to communicate, but never got anywhere. After awhile, I'd only try and try. Then I'd try. And eventually, I just felt helpless. So I haven't got a lot of trying left in me before I hit that deflation/exhaustion point where I just want to escape and find an easier path in life.
The thing is, the chair of the board is really a terrific man. And he wants to do the right thing and thinks he is in not getting rid of the abuser. He just doesn't seem to get it that this guy is totally bad news. He did say he'd read something if I sent him material about abusive personalities. But then when I look at things to read, I can see there are lots of ways that they can be argued against, that the lists of traits don't quite fit this guy, or that it's a matter of degree, etc. So I feel, "What's the use?"
I've just been feeling so exhausted since that scene last Tuesday...
Does anyone have any suggestions for getting past that learned helplessness point? For convincing others that you really are an expert in spotting these people and not just over sensitive?
Can anyone offer any support?
Thanks, again!
Catydid
A perfect solution is "Professionalism"! I had an abusive co-worker that was the same way. He pounded his fist on the table and screamed at me all the time. Whenever he asked something of me, I gave him a professional answer, not the "go to hell" answer I thought he deserved.
The second thing is when my co-worker attacked me professionally and tried to make it all my fault. I immediately told him in front of my supervisor that "I did not like the fact that he deletes my work" and "I DO NOT want him to do that anymore". Trust me, where there is friction, everyone is watching, so make sure every thing you say and do is in a professional manner.
After months of doing this, he was called into the office and told that he needed to turn in his resignation.
I then received a promotion because I proved myself to handle conflicts within the workplace well without allowing myself to be run over.
NEVER EVER complain unless it is harrassment or another true workplace complaint. Most employers look at situations like this as "may the best man win". That way the company is not liable. Rarley do the choose sides.
When you feel most helpless, reach down into your inner strength and bring out your professionalism. I found this to be a shield instead of letting my emotins run amuck! It can be powerful too. Knowing that you handled the situation well can be gratifying and uplifting. Pisses them off though and they eventually mess up and put themselves in a situation to be let go.
Good luck to you. Hope you don't let him win! Hugs.
You may want to suggest it to the Chair and just point to the research that demonstrates that it helps teams work more effectively together (then, you will be seen as working to help address the "problem"...which is him but, whatever, if it gets you to what you want, who cares!).
Typically, the Chair would guide the process of developing the CC...at first people may be uncomfortable saying what they expect in terms of members' behavior (that's normal), but it helps if you give examples or show them a CC from another group. Chances are if the person has been being that inappropriate at the meetings (yelling, arguing for argument's sake, etc.), other people, beside you, are bothered too.
Make sure you get specific...help the Chair understand that a CC is useless if it's too general (i.e., Members will act professionally)...you have to spell out in specifics what "professional" means (e.g., not interrupting when someone else is speaking, not using profanity, listening to others' ideas even if you don't agree, not doing other work while at the meeting, etc.--I'm sure you get the idea).
A CC is also useless if the Chair doesn't understand that it is at all times his/her responsibility to point people back to the CC that was agreed upon anytime a member is not following it (if another member doesn't do this voluntarily/immediately).
Another pointer is to have the team's CC written and posted at every meeting...it's as simple as recording it on flip chart paper and posting that piece of paper at every meeting.
However, I've just found a report on this internet that the abusive board member attacked his aunt, who is a nun, a few years ago. She was cleaning his house and he thought her mop was too dirty and he yelled at her and then bashed her head against a wall when she tried to run away.
I sent it to the board officers. I think that concrete evidence will convince them that he is dangerous and should not be on the board.
Your abuser sounds easy to outwit, outlast and outplay. Just keep your zen cool and watch him flip out. If you give him enough rope he will hang himself. Also, what are the guidelines? How long is this guy's term as board member? Can you outlast him?
If you are passionate about what you do, don't let one narcissistic abuser stop you. They are everywhere and in every kind of business, so maybe it's good practice for when you next encounter one. Actions speak louder than words, let the board member flip out and reveal his true abusive self.