This would be a journal as I am mainly just venting out of frustration at myself but I can't do the journals on my phone. I needed to vent here or risk contacting either the ex abuser boyfriend or my male friend who is abusive in his hot and cold treatment of me..on and off with being my friend. My guess is he has either found a girlfriend through his online dating or gotten back with one and well I can't hold his interest without offering up sex. Oh well. At least I have maintained boundaries with him..still hurts though being cast aside. Anyway my depression has been pretty bad this weekend with it being Mother's Day weekend and my Mom being gone. I worked half day Saturday as usual and ended up turning down a friends offer of going to see a band. I also turned down her offers to get together today and have lunch. I just decided to grieve instead. :( Slept a lot, ignored phone calls, also turned down my sister in laws dinner plans today. :( I get along with the people that asked me to do things so why do I push them away when I am feeling so sad, angry, lonely? I managed to at least do some was today, strip and put fresh bed linens on, take the piled up trash to the dumpster (about 5 bags from a messy cat and cleaning garage and etc) and changed my cat box, took care of my cats needs and horses needs but I just feel so like I am barely functioning compared to others. I do what I have to..need to..nothing I am enjoying. Sorry if I am not making any sense..just tired and sad and can't seem to crawl out of it. :(