Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Here is my somewhat complicated situation. I hope someone out there has some practical advice because I don't know where to turn.
I was married to my husband and we have children together. He was abusive-emotionally, physically, etc. After I left him, I consulted a lawyer, but because I didn't have a stable home and income, she recommended that I put off divorce until I get on my feet. She also recommended LC, only contacting him via text and email because he was still very abusive over the phone.
I still wanted to sort out child custody at least, so I emailed him and texted him about setting a time to meet to formalize custody. He would never respond. However, he would blow my phone up and send insulting or threatening texts. After 6 months, he disappeared.
A lot of my "support" network dwindled in actual support, because he spread a lot of lies and rumors about me and a lot of people liked to keep up the drama between me and him by relaying information back and forth. So, even though nobody would help me or shunned me from their physical social circle, they would call or FB message me asking about me and the kids.
Well, after I finally got my job and apartment was about ready to start my divorce, I started getting intrusive FB messages from friends and family and texts as well. Plus, some woman called my supervisor at my job and asked for me by my nickname that only my XH called me. I disabled facebook and ended up having to quit the job because I was terrified. My XH stalked me before during a previous separation and also stole stuff from my apartment, but the police wouldn't do anything because we were married. So I was terrified that it was happening again and I felt so unprotected.
So I changed jobs, and was finally able to start my divorce. I was never able to find him, so I ended up getting a default judgment. Still, all this time, he never directly contacted me, but would contact friends and family from a blocked number asking where I am and spreading wild rumors about me.
It's been a few years since my divorce and I'm still pretty shaken. I actually haven't physically seen anyone in my family nor been on social media for 2 years because I don't know who's leaking info about my life. If XH wants to step up to the plate and take care of his kids, I would feel differently, but he's playing hide and seek with me and I can't get a TPO because he won't do anything directly.
Still, my mom's getting up there in age and I've lost 2 beloved aunts that I didn't get to see before their deaths. I feel amputated from my prior life and I haven't really been able to make new friends. But I can't trust my old friends to blab about me. I've had a couple friends aggressively try to ask me where I'm living and where I'm working exactly and I just shut them down.
I guess I'm typing all of this to say, how do I go back to living and being social again? Do I just never see my mother again? How can I fit in my new life when my past was so horrible?
I was married to my husband and we have children together. He was abusive-emotionally, physically, etc. After I left him, I consulted a lawyer, but because I didn't have a stable home and income, she recommended that I put off divorce until I get on my feet. She also recommended LC, only contacting him via text and email because he was still very abusive over the phone.
I still wanted to sort out child custody at least, so I emailed him and texted him about setting a time to meet to formalize custody. He would never respond. However, he would blow my phone up and send insulting or threatening texts. After 6 months, he disappeared.
A lot of my "support" network dwindled in actual support, because he spread a lot of lies and rumors about me and a lot of people liked to keep up the drama between me and him by relaying information back and forth. So, even though nobody would help me or shunned me from their physical social circle, they would call or FB message me asking about me and the kids.
Well, after I finally got my job and apartment was about ready to start my divorce, I started getting intrusive FB messages from friends and family and texts as well. Plus, some woman called my supervisor at my job and asked for me by my nickname that only my XH called me. I disabled facebook and ended up having to quit the job because I was terrified. My XH stalked me before during a previous separation and also stole stuff from my apartment, but the police wouldn't do anything because we were married. So I was terrified that it was happening again and I felt so unprotected.
So I changed jobs, and was finally able to start my divorce. I was never able to find him, so I ended up getting a default judgment. Still, all this time, he never directly contacted me, but would contact friends and family from a blocked number asking where I am and spreading wild rumors about me.
It's been a few years since my divorce and I'm still pretty shaken. I actually haven't physically seen anyone in my family nor been on social media for 2 years because I don't know who's leaking info about my life. If XH wants to step up to the plate and take care of his kids, I would feel differently, but he's playing hide and seek with me and I can't get a TPO because he won't do anything directly.
Still, my mom's getting up there in age and I've lost 2 beloved aunts that I didn't get to see before their deaths. I feel amputated from my prior life and I haven't really been able to make new friends. But I can't trust my old friends to blab about me. I've had a couple friends aggressively try to ask me where I'm living and where I'm working exactly and I just shut them down.
I guess I'm typing all of this to say, how do I go back to living and being social again? Do I just never see my mother again? How can I fit in my new life when my past was so horrible?
Are you out of contact with your mom because you're not sure you can trust her? If that's the case then I think it's best to keep your distance - better to listen to your gut instinct on these things, though I know it's very hard. You need support more than ever yet you're not sure who to trust :(
I haven't been to a counselor yet. I've been struggling financially, but I'm hoping with the move that my finances are better and I can start counseling. It's been a long time coming for that!
I'm out of contact with my mom for a couple reasons. One, she pretty much abandoned me when I was being abused. I would tell her I was being abused and needed a safe place to go, but she didn't let me stay with her because of my "drama". She wouldn't help me financially, even though she was able to and would talk about the thousands she sent to my siblings to bail them out of their life problems.
The last time I left XH, she and my brother invited me come to the city they live in. I had all my stuff I could manage to escape with. They promised that, finally, I could stay with my mom and get back on my feet. Well, when I arrived, they put me up in a hotel and said I had 2 weeks to get my life together. They wouldn't even help watch the kids so I could go find a job. My brother gave me a social services list, but since I wasn't a resident of that city and I didn't have a recent police report about my XH, the services weren't available to me. The city they lived in sucked as far as social services anyway--for example, the city deals with the homeless by busing them out of the city and banning them from coming back. I didn't know this beforehand, but I also wasn't expecting to be basically put out on the streets when I got there.
Luckily, an acquaintance allowed me to stay with her under the condition on anonymity, so I left town again and stayed with her. During this time, my mom demanded to know where I was, and I told her I couldn't tell her to respect my friend. She made a big deal about me not telling her.
After this I went to a DV shelter because they had an opening and the resources I needed to get back on my feet. During this time my mom and brother came into town once to visit other family. I saw them and visit and they tossed me a $20 and said, unprompted, that I shouldn't feel like they abandoned me. So I feel somewhat bitter about that experience which causes me not to want to talk to her anyway.
In addition, I don't trust her. She's said some things that were sympathetic to my XH after I left him. I found out when I went to my mom's city that he would manically call her and they would talk for hours about me. When I told her that I was following my lawyer's advice about custody, she said that I was "keeping the kids" from him-- even though every time we have separated, he never came to see him. So even though now she claims she doesn't talk to him and would never tell my location, she still presses me for information in an uncomfortable way.
I do want to see her, but I'm just afraid of an ambush because I don't really know where her head is. This goes for pretty much anybody I know from my "past life". With the lack of support, I don't know why I would really contact anyone, but it's all I know and sometimes I feel like I didn't give people a "chance" or maybe they didn't realize the depth of my abuse.
been through.
Speaking solely for myself
and my own choices. . . . .
nearly twenty years ago
now, after years of abuse,
I went No Contact
with my only sibling.
It was a truly difficult
choice but essential
to my recovery. In fact,
making that hard choice
actually marked the
first steps on my
journey out of not
only that toxic relationship,
but my abusive marriage
as well.
I would never tell anyone
else to make this kind
of decision. I only share
it as evidence that going
NC from a toxic family
member can result in
a good outcome.
When I say "good
outcome," I'm not
suggesting that
doing this is a
perfect solution.
I mourn the loss
of the connection
with my sibling,
or I should say,
I miss the possibility
of a healthy connection.
But that could not be
and the connection
that was, was wounding
me. I amputated my only
sibling from my life. That's
a loss that cannot be
restored. I grieved it
then and still mourn
the loss.
But eliminating toxicity
has improved my quality
of life from destructive
to life affirming.
Going No Contact
may not be your
only choice. It
sounds like you're
completely able
to find your way.