Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
You know when youre talking to your abuser....or was in some cases....when asking a question or asking him something , did you or do you ever get a direct answer?
does he stop you in your tracks..?.. so he doesnt have to continue with the conversation also do they get very angry if you carry it on and try to get an answer out of them ? and more importantly do you get the feeling that he / she is lying to your face quite obviously but WILL NOT admit to it?
would love your views or experience on this as its important to me xx
Thanks x
does he stop you in your tracks..?.. so he doesnt have to continue with the conversation also do they get very angry if you carry it on and try to get an answer out of them ? and more importantly do you get the feeling that he / she is lying to your face quite obviously but WILL NOT admit to it?
would love your views or experience on this as its important to me xx
Thanks x
behavior for abusers. I'd put money
on the probability that pretty much
everyone here has experienced
what you described at least once
but probability many times. (And
yes, I did.)
They do it to control their victim.
BUT HEY! I got a straight answer!
As for anything important to me, like how I felt....yea, they would change the subject or turn it around onto how I had a problem. If I attempted to redirect back, oh yes, anger. And yes, they lied to my face and no, they would never admit it.
This is the abusers MO as Ilene said. They will NEVER admit the truth. The don't like having the truth spoken to them, they can't handle it.
Any gut feeling you get....ITS NOT WRONG. Your instincts are telling you the truth, even if you can't get the truth out of them.
So when i have this 'gut' feeling and sort of feel that it must be so in my heart that i think hes got other women....im probably right
because hes certainley not been interested in me for over 12 years blaming it on my health . his exact words was , well youre ill.....when i questioned him about out lack of intamacy a while back his answer to me was - well i can tell you this , youre always going to be frustrated !!...and asking if he was ever going to love me his answer was - i might..?? or other times he said - i dont know....
this gives me reason to beleive that there have been other women and there are other women but i just cannot get him to admit it......
even our daughter has asked me why is he still here because its so obvious that hes not happy?
can anyone help on this , is there a chance im right , will he ever admit it? and why is he still here? xx
Trust is an important foundation for a relationship--and if you can't trust a person not to abuse you, I don't see why you should trust them not to cheat on you.
If they somehow restrain themselves from cheating on you, you know it isn't because they know it would hurt you and genuinely care--because they don't show that in any other part of their lives. So it doesn't matter if they cheat or not, they still aren't to be trusted.
This is the conclusion for my life because I have experienced what you described too. I don't know if he's cheated or not, but I know that he probably would, given the right circumstances, because he's proven over and over to me that his wants always come before my needs, and he is willing to see me hurt or hurt me himself if he thinks it will put him ahead.
One interesting thing I've noticed is that he tries to control the conversation by walking away and once I followed him into another room, where he slammed the door on me, pinning me in the door (and yelled "B88H" at me). For a long time I thought this was just an accident, but since his behavior of walking away, controlling the conversation, was textbook for an abuser, then I'm thinking I shouldn't cut him so much slack by calling it an "accident" and taking partial responsibility for following him.
Because he's abusive and he wants to keep his victim. I wondered the exact same thing with H, before moving to another room.
He had been telling me that this relationship was "unfulfilling" to him, and criticizing everything about me--he kept saying he could not care less if he ever saw my face again. He basically made me feel like I was worthless and that he was absolutely unhappy in his life and it was all my fault.
I got tired of it and started emotionally detaching. And then I moved into the other room and seriously started detaching.
He has never been so nice to me since he's been worried I will leave. This isn't because he's changed, but because he doesn't want to lose his target for abuse.
I've seen other women on here who've had extremely violent, dangerous abusers, who threaten to leave the woman. They do this because they are trying to make the victim think that all the problems are there fault--and so they need to work harder to please the abuser and prevent him from leaving. They also do it because they know it hurts the victim. The abuser would pretend to leave, then come back again...and do it over and over.
He won't leave because then he wont have someone else to blame and attack for the problems in his life. He'll try to trick you into thinking it's all your fault and that you should work better to please him.
But you would be better off without him.
He's not going to admit it. I can promise you that.
The reason he's still there is because he's got you right where he wants you. He can go out be Mr. Nice Guy to the rest of the world and come home to abuse you.
I'm sorry he is doing this to you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect, no matter what!
Hugs,
JillieBean
When I had to ask something I usually thought that if I just believed the opposite of what he said, then I'd be right.
I even told my son's therapist this, after my ex tried to manipulate his way into a therapy session....I told him, "Look, with my ex, first, assume what he's saying is a lie. Then you will be close to the truth." He knew me well enough by then to know that I wasn't just badmouthing my ex, that I was speaking truthfully about him, so the therapist wouldn't be running in circles with him.
To this day, if he doesn't think he can manipulate someone, then he doesn't want to take part in an conversation. Which is good with me, I haven't talked to him since last June....
Awesome
As for the other woman/women? Trust your gut. Twice in my life I've had that gut feeling, and twice in my life I've caught my partner out. And twice in my life, even AFTER getting caught, obviously caught, beyond question caught (ok, didn't see em in bed together, but in the first case others did, in the second case I read loving emails), they STILL both denied it. He'll never admit to having affairs unless he can somehow twist it around to make you wrong for it.
That said, I loved what LK said about that ... totally. The cheating doesn't matter as much as the fact that you know him capable of it and can't trust him not to. And also what she said about why he stays. Can't really add to that cos she's spot on, in my view.
Never ever answering my question. simple..yes or no..all i ever got was
I dont know
when you said this or that..did you mean this? i dont know
did you mean that?
i dont know
do you feel this way?
i dont know
by the end i was screaming, how the fuck dont you know?
ah..grr..sigh
losers :S
How do you forget something like that!?! But that's the ex for ya, no direct answer. One minute he is braggind he met someone and the next minute he wants us to get closer. Geez, make up his mind already.
Honestly I never met anyone in my entire life who wanted to be with me in every way but bragged about cheating at the same time. He has to be nuts to live like that! But he was nuts.
It was just a huge waste of time, my focusing on rather or not they were cheating. The atrocious, abusive way they were behaving was more important and eventually that became my focus.