Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This morning, I was reading the posting from Gingerbread Skies about Stockholm Syndrome. In that information, there was a link to this article..."Are you dating a loser?" I started reading it and was like...."oh my God! That is SO my life!!!" I didn't have time to finish it or post information this morning because I had to hurry and get to work, but I wanted to share some of the info from the article for all of us who find ourselves wondering if the issue is really us, if what we are experiencing is really normal and we are the ones with the problem. This will be long, but I am going to be lengthy, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. (She says after already writing a book, lol!)
Some characteristics of "the Loser":
1. Rough treatment. He/she will hurt you on purpose. If he/she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them.
2. Quick attachment and expression. (this one didn't really apply too much to me)
3. Frightening temper. He/she has a scary temper. If your boy/girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others--that temper will soon be turned in your direction. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper which quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence.
4. Killing your self confidence. Repeatedly puts you down. Constantly correct your slightest mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling you are always doing something wrong. In public, you will be walking on eggshells, always fearing you will do or say something that will later create an outburst or argument.
5. Cutting off your support.. Begins by telling you your friends or family treat you badly (take advantage, talk about you, etc.). If you talk to them, he/she punishes you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face verbal punishment, interrogation, or abuse you decide it's better not to talk to family/friends.
6. The mean and sweet cycle.
7. It's ALWAYS your fault. He blames you for his anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. He tells you his anger or misbehavior would never have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. He never takes personal responsibility for his behavior.
8. Breakup panic. Panics at the idea of breaking up--unless it is totally their idea. Often break down and cry, plead, promise to change, offer marriage/trips/gifts, threaten suicide, to return to old lovers, or quit their job and move away--as though you are responsible for their decisions.
9. No Outside interests for you.
10. Paranoid control. WILL CHECK UP ON YOU AND KEEP TRACK OF WHERE YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE WITH. IF YOU SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, YOU RECEIVE TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW YOU KNOW THEM. IF YOU DON'T ANSWER THEIR CALL, YOU ARE ASKED WHERE YOU WERE, WHAT YOU WERE DOING, WHO YOU WERE TALKING TO, ETC. THEY WILL NOTICE ANY TYPE OF MUD ON YOUR CAR, QUESTION WHY YOU SHOP CERTAIN PLACES, AND QUESTION WHY YOU CALLED A FRIEND, THE FRIEND CALLED YOU AND SO ON. SOME FOLLOW YOU TO THE GROCERY AND LATER ASK IF YOU WERE THERE IN AN ATTEMPT TO CATCH YOU IN A LIE. IN SEVERE CASES, THEY GO THROUGH YOUR MAIL, YOUR PURSE/WALLET, HIT REDIAL ON YOUR PHONE TO SEE WHO YOU WERE TALKING TO, OR SEARCH THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE FOR EVIDENCE. THEY MAY BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT TO WEAR, LISTEN TO IN MUSIC, AND HOW TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC. HE WILL INFORM YOU THAT HE WILL BE CALLING SOMETIME TO ENSURE THAT YOU WILL BE WAITING AT HOME FOR HIS CALL WHILE HE CAN GO OUT AND DO WHAT HE WANTS, STILL CONTROLLING YOUR BEHAVIOR FROM AFAR.
11. Public embarrassment.
12. It's never enough.
13. Entitlement.
14. Your friends and family dislike him.
15. Bad stories.
16. The waitress test.
17. The reputation.
18. Walking on eggshells.
19. Discounted feelings/opinions.
20. They make you "crazy". OPERATES IN SUCH A DAMAGING WAY THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF DOING "CRAZY" THINGS IN SELF DEFENSE. IF HE IS SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE AT 8 PM, YOU CALL TIME AND TEMP TO COVER REDIAL, CHECK YOUR GARBAGE FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY GET YOU IN TROUBLE, AND CALL FAMILY/FRIENDS TO LET THEM KNOW NOT TO CALL YOU. YOU BECOME PARANOID--BEING CAREFUL WHAT YOU WEAR AND SAY. NONVIOLENT FEMALES MAY FIND THEMSELVES YELLING AND SCREAMING WHEN THEY CAN NO LONGER TAKE THE VERBAL ABUSE OR INTIMIDATION. IN EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL SELF DEFENSE, WE BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY AND ODDLY. WHILE WE THINK WE ARE GOING CRAZY, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "NORMAL BEHAVIOR" IN COMBAT SITUATIONS.
I only touched on some of the points. I don't know when he is going to be home and I don't want to get caught with this for sure. But I wanted everyone to have the link. I also wanted to thank Gingerbread Skies for posting her original message which led me to this article. I'm not crazy or irrational. WE are not crazy and irrational.
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/
Some characteristics of "the Loser":
1. Rough treatment. He/she will hurt you on purpose. If he/she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them.
2. Quick attachment and expression. (this one didn't really apply too much to me)
3. Frightening temper. He/she has a scary temper. If your boy/girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others--that temper will soon be turned in your direction. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper which quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence.
4. Killing your self confidence. Repeatedly puts you down. Constantly correct your slightest mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling you are always doing something wrong. In public, you will be walking on eggshells, always fearing you will do or say something that will later create an outburst or argument.
5. Cutting off your support.. Begins by telling you your friends or family treat you badly (take advantage, talk about you, etc.). If you talk to them, he/she punishes you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face verbal punishment, interrogation, or abuse you decide it's better not to talk to family/friends.
6. The mean and sweet cycle.
7. It's ALWAYS your fault. He blames you for his anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. He tells you his anger or misbehavior would never have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. He never takes personal responsibility for his behavior.
8. Breakup panic. Panics at the idea of breaking up--unless it is totally their idea. Often break down and cry, plead, promise to change, offer marriage/trips/gifts, threaten suicide, to return to old lovers, or quit their job and move away--as though you are responsible for their decisions.
9. No Outside interests for you.
10. Paranoid control. WILL CHECK UP ON YOU AND KEEP TRACK OF WHERE YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE WITH. IF YOU SPEAK TO A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, YOU RECEIVE TWENTY QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW YOU KNOW THEM. IF YOU DON'T ANSWER THEIR CALL, YOU ARE ASKED WHERE YOU WERE, WHAT YOU WERE DOING, WHO YOU WERE TALKING TO, ETC. THEY WILL NOTICE ANY TYPE OF MUD ON YOUR CAR, QUESTION WHY YOU SHOP CERTAIN PLACES, AND QUESTION WHY YOU CALLED A FRIEND, THE FRIEND CALLED YOU AND SO ON. SOME FOLLOW YOU TO THE GROCERY AND LATER ASK IF YOU WERE THERE IN AN ATTEMPT TO CATCH YOU IN A LIE. IN SEVERE CASES, THEY GO THROUGH YOUR MAIL, YOUR PURSE/WALLET, HIT REDIAL ON YOUR PHONE TO SEE WHO YOU WERE TALKING TO, OR SEARCH THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE FOR EVIDENCE. THEY MAY BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT TO WEAR, LISTEN TO IN MUSIC, AND HOW TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC. HE WILL INFORM YOU THAT HE WILL BE CALLING SOMETIME TO ENSURE THAT YOU WILL BE WAITING AT HOME FOR HIS CALL WHILE HE CAN GO OUT AND DO WHAT HE WANTS, STILL CONTROLLING YOUR BEHAVIOR FROM AFAR.
11. Public embarrassment.
12. It's never enough.
13. Entitlement.
14. Your friends and family dislike him.
15. Bad stories.
16. The waitress test.
17. The reputation.
18. Walking on eggshells.
19. Discounted feelings/opinions.
20. They make you "crazy". OPERATES IN SUCH A DAMAGING WAY THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF DOING "CRAZY" THINGS IN SELF DEFENSE. IF HE IS SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE AT 8 PM, YOU CALL TIME AND TEMP TO COVER REDIAL, CHECK YOUR GARBAGE FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY GET YOU IN TROUBLE, AND CALL FAMILY/FRIENDS TO LET THEM KNOW NOT TO CALL YOU. YOU BECOME PARANOID--BEING CAREFUL WHAT YOU WEAR AND SAY. NONVIOLENT FEMALES MAY FIND THEMSELVES YELLING AND SCREAMING WHEN THEY CAN NO LONGER TAKE THE VERBAL ABUSE OR INTIMIDATION. IN EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL SELF DEFENSE, WE BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY AND ODDLY. WHILE WE THINK WE ARE GOING CRAZY, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "NORMAL BEHAVIOR" IN COMBAT SITUATIONS.
I only touched on some of the points. I don't know when he is going to be home and I don't want to get caught with this for sure. But I wanted everyone to have the link. I also wanted to thank Gingerbread Skies for posting her original message which led me to this article. I'm not crazy or irrational. WE are not crazy and irrational.
http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/
I'm glad to say I already seem to be doing everything he suggests in his "detachment" process so maybe there's hope for me yet!
As far as the detachment stage, I think I've been there for a while, but I was surprised to see the ending stage. I realize where I have been going wrong essentially giving in to his demands because I am afraid or feeling guilty. I also tried the whole "maybe" thing, which did only escalate his tactics; I see now that this was giving him too much hope that I was about to break (which I did).
The waitress test is interesting. I cannot count the times that I was embarrassed by my ex when we were eating out.
There was one time in particular..... The restaurant was really really busy and we waited a long time for our food. When we finally got it, it was wrong. Omg!! He flipped out on that waitress. I felt so bad. She offered to get us new stuff. Not good enough for him. He told her that we'd just eat what she brought, but he wasn't paying for it (funny though, he never paid for anything. I always paid). Anyway..... We got our meal for free. And then he freaked out on me when I gave out waitress her tip. It wasn't her fault and she did try to fix the situation.
It was all just so humiliating.
what I should have paid attention to was how he treated people who worked in banks, and the person on the phone for our cable, our telephone, our gas bill.
how he treated them is how I got treated in the end, and also, who wants to be with someone who treats people like that anyways? I'll never be with a road rager, phone screamer EVER again!
L4S
Their attitudes to other people, particularly those of the opposite sex, are REALLY worth listening to in the early stages of a relationship. And, as the article says, if there is a real mismatch between how they treat you and how they treat others, you are just looking at your own future in how they treat others. Regardless of whether they say things like "but at least YOU'RE not like that" or (as mine said to me MANY times in the early stages) "it's so good to be with woman who actually has a brain".