So I'm safe, and I understand a lot of this... but it's so FRUSTRATING.

My wife Now has admitted the following:

My friend made her feel jealous and insecure and frightened.

She would encourage me to spend time with my friend (J).

I would get home, and she would attack me for making her feel jealous.

She would then make sure that J knew we had fought - and that it was about her.

When I decided to move out rather than commit suicide, my wife became even more afraid.

She told J that me being friends with her was what was ruining our marriage, that it was going to mean my children would grow up without a father.

Further, that my depression and suicidal thoughts were J's fault, and I would not/could not heal while we were still friends.

I had moved out, and J told me that she was ending our relationship - for my own good - and I responded by getting violently drunk and trying to kill myself.

My wife encouraged J to come over while I was still drunk, to - her own words here - 'strengthen her resolve to end our relationship' She knew I was still drunk, because I could not stand up, nor could I go three minutes without throwing up. And my wife was standing next to me.

Then, as J left, my wife told her 'Remember - it's for his own good. Don't respond to him, not a text, an email, block him on facebook. It's the kindest thing to do.'

She knew that I was moving out because I had issues with how she treated me - hadn't made the connection to abuse yet - and that my self-esteem was in tatters. Actually, I didn't have any, I had self-loathing.

She also knew that I considered J my best friend. That I had supported her for years, and that she supported me in return.

Now, I find myself constantly reminded of the fact that I am forbidden to reach out to J, and that she is learning to be angry and hate me instead. And my wife is quick to remind me that J is responsible for her own choices, and that the pain I feel is J's fault.

Further, she cannot fathom why I might feel that she should in any way be considered culpable for some of that choice, and that I'm trying to transfer blame and anger onto her. And the fact that I still value J and feel such pain over her leaving hurts my wife, and makes her feel rejected and unimportant.

She doesn't see how any of the above could possibly be seen as isolating behavior, and if it bothers me, I should take her word that she has no desire to isolate me, and just let the past be past.

Further, that every choice she made, she made to protect herself, her marriage, and her children, and she would do it again without hesitation - even as she's very sorry that I'm in pain, and doesn't want to see me suffering. Good thing for her that it's none of her fault, isn't it?

Every thing above, my wife freely and proudly admits is true. Although not the blame. That's just my perception of the situation, and horribly unfair to her.

Now, i'll admit, I made mistakes - I was horribly confused and bewildered, and more than a little frantic and desparate at the time. Also, J's delightful boyfriend was (and is still) whispering in her ear that I am crazy, a stalker, violent, and dangerous. Plus, the ultimate responsibility does fall on J - she had the choice to listen and believe me over others, and failed to do so. And now she is transferring her guilt over the decision into anger towards me - also another choice of hers. But those relationships are irredeemable - at least, beyond my capablility to redeem.

But my wife still insists that I work on my relationship with her. And that I am being most intractible by my insistance that she does deserve blame for the pain I'm going through. And you know? She's right. She lied, manipulated, and twisted myself, my children, and my friends in order to get her will. I know that's true. And I also know that at the very least, I cannot feel safe or trust her with information about any of my relationships unless she indicates to me that she sees that she made some bad calls in there.

I know that if it were me, I would not be able to sleep until I had done everything I could to make sure that the truth was known, but all I'm asking for from her is an apology, and seeing a glimpse of shame from her. I'm not encouraged so far.

Thanks for listening.