If being abusive was the most (love) he was capable of. . . .

No.

We all deserve and are entitled to better than that.

His new, "perfect stable" relationship is what's visible
from the outside, right now. Wait. An abuser is not
capable of maintaining that perfect facade for any
real length of time.

Mourn the dream you'd hoped and tried for.
Mourn the good things and good times that
wandered into what's now gone.
Mourn whatever it was that you wanted and needed
but never got.
Mourn your trust and innocence.

If you wonder whether he was abusive
or if it was you over-reacting (I'd put
money, on the first). . . . try my Index Card
excercise. It's a great clarifier. (Search
it here, or Google: Ilene's Index Card Excercise
or PM me and I'll send it.)

And regarding whether anyone else here has
ever felt as you do. . . . . I'd guess most of us
have felt either the same, something similar
or something related. Like a season, it will pass.

You will find and live a much better life than the
life of being abused that you had and are out of.

Take good care.

Yes. I can never do enough for my wife. She had an affair 2 plus years ago and blamed me for not meeting her little needs. I don't make enough money. She says that I have no empathy and am incapable of meeting her emotional needs and she will get them elsewhere. We are running on empty now as I am trying to decide when is best to get out of my relationship. I am mourning the past, present and future. So I think you are reacting normally.

Soon your ex's perfect girl friend will not be enough either. It is never enough for them what I have learned from my marriage of 20 years and all the things i have read in this forum.

While you can't see it yet, from what others have said, you are better off without him and will see and feel it one day. Their perfect life will not be perfect for long.

My wife has been the main breadwinner, so I get that too. I feel guilt through this process, everything is always my fault yet I know that is not the case. I have just been brainwashed and am going through reprogramming.

Some therapy might do you some good for support. Take care.

Thanks I know it is all a process and I don't log on as much as I should because the reality checks that I get on here put me back on track THANK YOU for your feedback

In your very first sentence, you question whether your REactions made him abusive. One of my ex's "best" moments of logic was when he told me that if I hadn't reacted so badly to him having an affair, he wouldn't have needed to have one. Huh? Your reactions, whether good or bad, sensible or foolish, right or wrong, measured or out of proportion - no matter what they are, they cannot cause the original action.

As for the new younger "perfect" girl. You know that nobody is perfect. Maybe they are happy for now (weren't you happy with him for a while, before it all went south?). Maybe they aren't (didn't you both put on a "happy" face for the rest of the world, to hide the horror, even when it got bad?). You may never see the pain that he is inflicting or will inflict on her, in the same way that outsiders never saw the pain he inflicted on you - it's what they do.

You could have done more ... we could all have done more. And the result of doing more would have been to accept more abuse, to lose more of ourselves, and perhaps (at least for those of us who got close, like myself) to lose our very lives. So while we could have done more, we probably should have done less.

As for your feelings - accept them. Never try to tell yourself what you "should" be feeling. Feel what you feel. Feelings are never wrong - it's only in acting on them that we can sometimes make mistakes.

And finally, abusive manipulation masquerading as love should never be "enough". You deserve better.