Years ago, PBS used to show a series On The Family which featured John Bradshaw. He also had a book out, which you can still purchase by the same name. It is an excellent book about family systems and dysfunctional behaviour. Amongst other things, he talks about the roles we assume, or are assigned, in our family of origin, how dysfunctional behaviour is inter-generational, and it includes lots of information on topic you have raised.

Each time you find yourself blaming some-one for one of your choices I want you to say "sorry" whether they are their or not!
next I want you to think of something different you could have done and write it down " this should help" " lots of hugs

I come from the same type of family. My older sister is adored by my father and I am essentially crap. Mine did ignore me and my sister got a lot more than I did. To this day (I'm 44), my father won't even talk to me on the phone unless he absolutely has to. My sister has no children, I have three, but my father prefers the children of strangers to mine. The hurt runs deep and it never goes away (though I'm in therapy now...). My therapist told me that we choose a partner and feel the most comfortable and loving with a partner who recreates our childhood situation, even if it's destructive for us. I have certainly found that to be true in my own marriage, though the evolution was slow.

You could probably benefit a lot from counseling. It's really hard and scary to see the truth on our own.

Sometimes we learn from family members to be comfortable with abuse. If your dad says things that hurt you you may have to distance yourself from him. Getting toxic people out of your life is important.

Our childhood is part of why we became abuse victims...if you are looking for the big "Why did it happen to me", I tell myself that it is because I am an exceptionally empathetic person. Those who have high empathy are more likely to become abuse victims.

That all being said, therrpay is good to sort out the aftermath of abuse. Hugs to you hon...

I'm sorry about how things are, regarding your dad.

Since you grew up hurting and you say that he still (and this is no
surprise, since people who were hurtful in times past, usually
have not changed for the better) says things that hurt you.

You are not going nuts.

Yes, read about family systems. Bradshaw is a good start.
Also, you might want to find a counselor whose specialty
is family systems therapy.

Your father is not going to become someone different.
If he's been partial to your sister and still hurts you
verbally, today, you can expect more of the same.
You might want to consider keeping some distance
from him. That's really the only way to avoid the
toxins given off by toxic people. I hope you find
the right way to handle this. It may be different
for everyone. Please take good care and be well!

I just wanted to add ... if you decide therapy is an avenue you would like to pursue, just make sure you shop around. You want someone who can validate your experience, but you also want someone who is knowledgeable and can educate you on the subject. Sometimes, therapists focus on the discussion of feelings, and that is good, but you also want someone who is going to provide you with information. When you have the right therapist, you will gain insight and have a greater understanding of the situation you have been in. You will then be able to make some informed choices about your family, and other people in your life that may be toxic.

Good luck!

Hello,
I have to say I am with everyone else. I don't believe we can BLAME others for our choices as such...mainly because this is pointless behaviour which causes us great pain and takes our power away....but from your post it does not seem to me that that is what you are doing. You are instead looking for a reason that you have made the choices you have made. And that makes good sense.

I think if you feel unloved by your family you are more likely to make poor relationship choices because if you aren't loved at home you are bound to be needier than someone who is....and this has to reflect our standards surely?!! I too have similar experiences so please do not hear any critism in my post. I am right there with you....its not my Dad I have the issue with really but I share the dysfunctional family experience.....

Also, if your Dad says things which hurt you why wouldn't you distance yourself from him? Thats just good common sense.

So, no I don't think you are nuts and I don't think you are looking to shift blame...you are just trying to fathom out your patterns and how your experiences have affected your life and choices. We all need to do this so that we can be sure to live healthier lives in the future.

Good for you.

I was just reading how we sometimes fall into a pattern of trying to rewrite or change the past by getting involved with abusive types. We are determined to change them or make them love us as a way of trying to heal old wounds. We transfer our struggles to other relationships. We will go through the same pain and struggle unconsciously unless we become aware we are doing so.

Once we see what we are doing, we are able to start changing this pattern. Awareness brings healing and change. Don't blame yourself for the decisions you made, see it, understand why it happened and then decide for yourself that you won't allow it again.

Hugs

In my case, it was mostly my mother who did all that stuff - preferring my brother in a big way, but like yours, never in a way that could be seen "on paper". My mother said and did some terrible things to me and I ended up not speaking to her at all for about 5 years. When I did resume contact (because she was very ill in hospital and not expected to live), things were a little better, but she hadn't changed. I had, though, and I was much better able to ignore the nastiness. I accepted that she was my mother and, in her own way, she loved me, and beyond that I created a barrier which I didn't really let her cross. That will not work for everyone, but it worked for me and allowed me to have a relationship with my family, without allowing my mother the kind of destructive power she'd previously had.

In relation to the blame thing ... I agree with Blackdog. There is a world of difference between blame, fault and responsibility. In referring to the decision YOU made, you are already taking responsibility, as you need to do, for your own choices and your own life. Beyond that, it is (in my view) both healthy and indeed necessary to look at the reasons behind some of our poor decisions, if we are to avoid making the same kinds of decisions again. My upbringing left me with pretty much zero self esteem, and a few other things that happened in my life combined for me to think that my abusive ex was a great guy. I chose him, I chose to marry him, I chose to stay with him after the abuse started in full swing. And I chose to get out. Good and bad, they were my choices. I don't blame my family upbringing, but being aware of those issues will help, I hope, to ensure I never again choose an abusive partner.

Hope that helps.

Thank you all for your posts and support and help...You all are right...I can't blame anyone accept MYSELF for choices I make..Including distancing myself from people who don't respect me or make me look smaller...Actually I had shifted far from home due to my job and things were good then..But now since I got myself a transfer to a place near my hometown where my elder sister also lives, things have got a bit too much..Anyways as they "What won't kill me will make me stronger!!!"

Thanks again to all...

In your last post, you say:

"I can't blame anyone accept MYSELF for choices I make."

Forget the word "blame." Don't feel bad about not clearly understanding something. Once you understand the situation, you gain "wisdom" and can make better choices based on that.

Thanks Susan...Yes that is sooo true..I have learnt a lot..I would also like to thank you all..Everyone from DS who helped me to be where I am today...Hugs to all...

You're welcome. As you know, learning is part of life; it's something we do along the way. Well, maybe not all of us, but most of us!

yeh I agree...... that word blame it sounds negative....I believe our life is a journey and the events lessons....so on this basis....it was a tough stretch of journey and you did some good learning...to the next stretch!!

Onwards and upwards as they say....