For three years i was in a controling abusive relationship.  My family loved me but i was not allowed to spend time with them, well my sister turned her back and said she could not sit and watch since everything was leading to me being killed.  I have a TRO, started when he physiclally attacked me on the streets by my job.  Knowing that it was so bad that stranger called 911 and 4 police surrounded me and him was my wake up all.  They even drove me and stayed with me while i got the TRO.  Family still wouldnt let me stay home alone for wekks since he how agressive he was.  Now that i have all my proof to go for my permenant restraining order, or at least all i can think of that i can get i have been trying to work on me....reading some great book.  I have not read books in years, now i find myself can wanting to be home and alone so i can learn more.  I was a target?  All the traits i was proud of, he looked for....and used against me.  The funny thing was i told him so many times during our relationship wasnt healthy and i didnt think he even liked me...let alone loved me. I just kept believing he was the man i met and if i just did more.  I should have known better when his mom told me i deserved better and she understood why i ran.  I had a daughter who was bipolar, ADHD, ODD....so i knew it was possible for someone to love you and hurt you.  I get even more mad at myself for being such an easy target.  He would tell over and over no guy could ever see me as more than a peice of ass (well except for him of course) so even trying to break away, meeting people just reinforced his lies.  Besides knowing he would stalk my house and send threats to come to my job and get me fired, I questioned myself and everything i knew or felt. He was the type that i had to spend every second with him, answer his calls on the first ring and the last time we tried again...I had to delete my facebook complete (even losing my pictures of marrying my late husband...ones i can never get back), change my cell phone and put a tracker on my phone.  Yet, it was still wasnt enough.  if the location on my tracker went one number different he said i was in a coworkers office screwing him if i didnt answer and threaten to come to my job.  ok, so much......it just doesnt matter anymore.  I have apologized to my daughter, to my job...to i think everyone i could and at this point i am trying to forgive myself.  This week is my court date for my permanent restraing order, i have printed so much of his vicious text....threatening my job, saying i am in your house where the fuck are you you slut, days of mean vicious text, admitting the steriods he was taking make him aggressive and apologizing...what if they feel its ok.  I know the burden of proof falls on me, but for our entire relationship...he told me it was me, he knew he was mean but it was my fault....what if they agree....I am not sure i can take that in my heart and i am so scared as to what that will be telling him he can do to me.  Some of me says my healing is more important than his restraining order and hoping he has a new target, but i am just so anxious.  I have started trying to find a counselor but they are saying weeks for an appt.  I feel like now i am just a burden of sadness, pain and fear...i dont want to do that to the people i love.