Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well, my wife has filed for Separation. She met with her lawyers to fill out all her documentation last week (she neglected to mention this in session on Monday.) Apparently, we have court tomorrow. (She also neglected to mention this in session.) Today is the day for me to fill out all my paperwork.
All I have to do is check the box marked 'divorce', and all the paperwork is for a divorce instead of a separation. Handy, that. Or, I can check separation, and then I just notify the court when I wish, and it's magically a divorce.
She swears up and down that she does not want this. But that she has no interest in me moving back home, because with my current attitude, life would be daily conflict. She's brought the courts and lawyers into it, and still plans to go on vacation without me (again) yet gets broken up and can't continue the conversation when I say that after this point, we will not be spending time as a family - she doesn't get to hang out with me weekly.
I don't want this. But I will not undo what I have learned. And she will not move to meet me where I am. And she has no more interest in waiting to see if the other will budge. If this is what she wants, I will not fight her. I will insist on my fair share, though.
I'm pretty overwhelmed. It's hard to breathe - I feel a band of constriction around my chest and upper arms. I'm... hurting. Badly. Sorrow, dispair, hopelessness, powerlessness, a faint flicker of sullen anger, a mountain of frustration.
Just as my previous court rigmorale, I don't believe she fully processes the magnitude of the cannons she has brought to bear against me. My dad told me he talked with her last night, and he commented "You know, when you or I have a conversation, we have a goal, a solution we're looking for. And we talk together until we both understand how to get there. talking with her last night... didn't go anywhere. It just went around in cirlces, and even when I thought she had something figured out, a moment later, she'd react as if she had no idea what I was talking about. I don't know what she walked away from the conversation with, but I know I didn't leave with much confidence that anything was accomplished.."
Welcome to my world, Dad.
All I have to do is check the box marked 'divorce', and all the paperwork is for a divorce instead of a separation. Handy, that. Or, I can check separation, and then I just notify the court when I wish, and it's magically a divorce.
She swears up and down that she does not want this. But that she has no interest in me moving back home, because with my current attitude, life would be daily conflict. She's brought the courts and lawyers into it, and still plans to go on vacation without me (again) yet gets broken up and can't continue the conversation when I say that after this point, we will not be spending time as a family - she doesn't get to hang out with me weekly.
I don't want this. But I will not undo what I have learned. And she will not move to meet me where I am. And she has no more interest in waiting to see if the other will budge. If this is what she wants, I will not fight her. I will insist on my fair share, though.
I'm pretty overwhelmed. It's hard to breathe - I feel a band of constriction around my chest and upper arms. I'm... hurting. Badly. Sorrow, dispair, hopelessness, powerlessness, a faint flicker of sullen anger, a mountain of frustration.
Just as my previous court rigmorale, I don't believe she fully processes the magnitude of the cannons she has brought to bear against me. My dad told me he talked with her last night, and he commented "You know, when you or I have a conversation, we have a goal, a solution we're looking for. And we talk together until we both understand how to get there. talking with her last night... didn't go anywhere. It just went around in cirlces, and even when I thought she had something figured out, a moment later, she'd react as if she had no idea what I was talking about. I don't know what she walked away from the conversation with, but I know I didn't leave with much confidence that anything was accomplished.."
Welcome to my world, Dad.
I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in. Even though you know its her, even though you know she isn't willing to address her issues that doesn't make it hurt any less. To feel rejection like that peppered with crazy making is anguish. Like you said "she says she doesn't want this" yet her actions say everything but that. Actually maybe it is true in her mind. She doesn't want a separation, she just wants everything to continue as is has been with probably a few less demands on her. I think when you say you don't want this and she says she doesn't want this you are talking about two different things.
You may be having flashbacks of old memories mixed with glimpses of unfulfilled dreams. Its more grief to process. Hopefully your dad gave you some validation in what he said, but again that doesn't put balm on the grief and pain.
I've seen a tremendous strength in you Bax and you WILL get to the other side of this and better for it....but until then grieve in whatever way you need to in order to heal. We are here for you!!
I'm curious about what your dad said. It has to feel validating to hear that, no? Circular conversations that go nowhere seem to be common in abusive relationships. With most people I deal with, there is a back and forth that progresses to a common goal. if you have ever had a customer service job, talking with the abuser is like talking to the irate customer. You are doomed from the start, because there is no way you can satisfy their emotions.
Sometimes my girlfriend will say that talking to me goes nowhere for her. But that is because she puts me in "no win" situations where all she wants is some kind of validation that is unreachable from my end. She wants me to do something about it right now, when that's impossible for me. I tell her I can't do anything about it right now so I am not going to address it. That still gets me nowhere. I've learned over the past 6 months that I am not the only person who has a problem with her in that way. If she feels a certain way, all that matters is having someone validate that feeling. Anything that suggests her gut feeling may be an inaccurate portrayal of the situation will cause her to defend herself. From what I read, your wife sounds the same way. Anything that goes against the way she feels or what her brain has already made up about a situation gets met with extreme resistance.
hang in there, and feel good that you have your own space :)
I cannot believe she did this without telling you... and yet, here you are :/
Godis is right with the grief. I cannot even imagine what must be going through your mind right now.
(((HUGS))) We are all here for you...
It was great that your dad tried to help - and he can see the frustration first-hand from trying to reason with and just have a normal conversation with an abuser.
Can I ask what you think her reason is for a separation instead of divorce? Do you think its for financial reasons? I never quite understood that. The papers are the same for both.
Sending strength and hugs Bax. Please take care of you. We're here for you :)
Much love and hugs my friend
As for why separation instead of divorce, I see two things - I told her the kindest thing she could do for me was file for divorce. So naturally, she does -almost- the same thing, without any of the resolution or escape. It's all the misery and punishment and struggle of a divorce, but I don't get away when we're done. - I'm still on the line. Also, she's still not technically the one 'giving up' so she still gets to play the victim.