Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This morning I was feeling good. Confident. Strong. Powerful. Capable.
And I didn't like it.
It scared me.
It made me feel barely in control, predatory, threatening.
My mental image is of Gaston from beauty and the beast.
I believe I remember describing feeling like this about three months ago, and my wife told me "I don't like this. I feel like you're going to do whatever you want to do. I'm afraid you might rape me."
Could it be that all the emotions I need to escape my depression, my suicidal thoughts - they've all been poisoned? That my options are depression or villainy? With self-respect, confidence, authority, happiness defined as villainous?
That's freaking TERRIFYING.
And I'm starting to get a little angry. Which also makes me afraid.
Forget Gaston - I need to be Quasimodo.
And I didn't like it.
It scared me.
It made me feel barely in control, predatory, threatening.
My mental image is of Gaston from beauty and the beast.
I believe I remember describing feeling like this about three months ago, and my wife told me "I don't like this. I feel like you're going to do whatever you want to do. I'm afraid you might rape me."
Could it be that all the emotions I need to escape my depression, my suicidal thoughts - they've all been poisoned? That my options are depression or villainy? With self-respect, confidence, authority, happiness defined as villainous?
That's freaking TERRIFYING.
And I'm starting to get a little angry. Which also makes me afraid.
Forget Gaston - I need to be Quasimodo.
I'm also scared of emotions like anger. I think if I'm angry, then that's bad and it makes me a bad person. When I went to therapy, I came to realise that anger is a normal emotion, that I had every right to feel anger in my situation and that what wasn't normal was that I hadn't felt it for so long. Because of the therapy, I let myself feel the anger, and to know that it was ok to feel it and I think that was a huge step in enabling me to move forwards emotionally, disconnect from my H and move on with my life.
I think what you need to remember is that every emotion is neutral within itself and it is normal, ok, and you have a right to feel whatever you feel. What you feel doesn't matter. What you do with those feelings is what is important.
When I say every emotion is neutral, I mean that every emotion can be used for good or for bad. For example, feelings of strength, power etc could lead a person to rape or control someone else, or they could lead a person to use their feelings to help a multitude of people who don't feel as strong and are in need of some help. They could lead a person to have a successful career, and because they feel confident and powerful within themselves, they would have no need to step on others to get somewhere, because they know they can make it on their own.
A lack of self confidence could lead a person to try and control and belittle others, so they can feel like they are better and more powerful than another person. Or, it can lead someone to have empathy for others who lack self confidence and make them want to try and make that person feel better about themselves and to help them.
With anger, it could be used to hurt someone else, or it could be used to help a person realise they are in a bad situation, and to give them the strength to say no to abuse and to get a better life.
Try and think about what you would do if you felt confident etc. Evaluate whether you would be villainous based on the actions you would do, rather than the emotions themselves. Also, don't listen to what other people say you would do, because only you truly know yourself.
damages the psyche.
Repair is possible. It
requires qualified guidance
and on-going support. Do
you have a therapist? If not,
would you consider finding
a therapist whose specialty
is recovery from abuse?
Sending you wishes for
all good things.