Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All!
(*** side note, it is the middle of the night here, and I cannot sleep... This matter has been on my mind and I feel like I will explode if I do not let it out!!!***)
I have been doing so good staying away from my ex, although I have had troubles maintaining NC. (It truly is the only way to peace, btw, for those of you that are struggling to do it).
I have been hurting sooo much inside, not because I want him back or even miss him (right now, I don't. He is like a plague on my existence and I want to scour him from my life). I am so mad at myself, BEYOND angry, because this time I knew, I KNEW, when I went back to him exactly what he was: a narcissist, a user and a pig of a man. I let his smooth talking ways, and the sudden realization of my dreams, the ones I had for my relationship, come true.
I have not been with him for a while now, in fact I never fully returned. It was more like I played house and played along, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the mask to slip ONE MORE TIME so that I could ensure that I was not delusional. When I knew I wasn't... Doctors told me I wasn't, friends told me I wasn't, even his daughter confessed to me that he made her feel judged, anxious and nervous, like he was always waiting for her to slip up... I knew then that I was not alone, that no matter who he was with would eventually get the same treatment (or worse) than I had received.
What I cannot forgive myself for is going back ONE MORE TIME to have him diminish me, act like I am crazy, accuse me of truly awful things that are so against my character that I cringe inside, all because I thought this time, THIS TIME, it will be different. This time there were promises of a ring on my hand, a child, a life together... That he perverted into something alien, into a picture I didn't recognize anymore.
I found evidence of him cheating on my not once, not twice, but three times. Truthfully, I expected this. He was always accusing me of cheating on him when it would make no logical sense that I could even do so! I kept trying harder and harder, thinking if I just gave a little more, if I reassured him a little more, that this time would be better!
WRONG!!
I have spent very little actual time with him over the past few months, but it seems like every single minute I was with him, consumed by thoughts of him, how to get away from him, when he was going to show up at my house, when to get the police involved, ect. How to stop the whirlwind of madness around me, and knowing all along that the only way to do that was leave.
When he first initiated contact all those months ago, I swore that if I ever heard certain things out of his mouth, I would run for the hills.
These weren't particularly bad things (in comparison to his truly damaging and soul-destroying, gut-wrenching comments, accusations and belitting of my goals and aspirations in life- which I have every right to believe I will be successful in life, which I have every right to believe I will be successful in- he said these things only to be hurtful). He always had these key phrases he would use when he was getting ready to discard me. I knew whenever he said them that another vicious attack was on it's way.
I heard them earlier this week, after having little to no contact with him for weeks. He was pissed I refused to spend the weekend with him, and went instead to a friend's birthday party. Anyhow, I heard those phrases and BOOM! I was gone within seconds. The phone re-blocked. The email blocked. I blocked every single avenue of contact I could think of blocking.
I am so incredibly angry at myself that I let it get this far, that I talked to that bastard at all. I gave up a valuable part of myself by seeing him again and allowing communication. I lost my self-respect. I hate myself for slipping up and going back.
I could care less about him, it is this self-loathing, the feeling I let myself down, that I cannot stand.
I know I am not the only one who has done this, and I am wondering how others coped with it? How they forgave themselves for going back and being treated this way?
(*** side note, it is the middle of the night here, and I cannot sleep... This matter has been on my mind and I feel like I will explode if I do not let it out!!!***)
I have been doing so good staying away from my ex, although I have had troubles maintaining NC. (It truly is the only way to peace, btw, for those of you that are struggling to do it).
I have been hurting sooo much inside, not because I want him back or even miss him (right now, I don't. He is like a plague on my existence and I want to scour him from my life). I am so mad at myself, BEYOND angry, because this time I knew, I KNEW, when I went back to him exactly what he was: a narcissist, a user and a pig of a man. I let his smooth talking ways, and the sudden realization of my dreams, the ones I had for my relationship, come true.
I have not been with him for a while now, in fact I never fully returned. It was more like I played house and played along, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the mask to slip ONE MORE TIME so that I could ensure that I was not delusional. When I knew I wasn't... Doctors told me I wasn't, friends told me I wasn't, even his daughter confessed to me that he made her feel judged, anxious and nervous, like he was always waiting for her to slip up... I knew then that I was not alone, that no matter who he was with would eventually get the same treatment (or worse) than I had received.
What I cannot forgive myself for is going back ONE MORE TIME to have him diminish me, act like I am crazy, accuse me of truly awful things that are so against my character that I cringe inside, all because I thought this time, THIS TIME, it will be different. This time there were promises of a ring on my hand, a child, a life together... That he perverted into something alien, into a picture I didn't recognize anymore.
I found evidence of him cheating on my not once, not twice, but three times. Truthfully, I expected this. He was always accusing me of cheating on him when it would make no logical sense that I could even do so! I kept trying harder and harder, thinking if I just gave a little more, if I reassured him a little more, that this time would be better!
WRONG!!
I have spent very little actual time with him over the past few months, but it seems like every single minute I was with him, consumed by thoughts of him, how to get away from him, when he was going to show up at my house, when to get the police involved, ect. How to stop the whirlwind of madness around me, and knowing all along that the only way to do that was leave.
When he first initiated contact all those months ago, I swore that if I ever heard certain things out of his mouth, I would run for the hills.
These weren't particularly bad things (in comparison to his truly damaging and soul-destroying, gut-wrenching comments, accusations and belitting of my goals and aspirations in life- which I have every right to believe I will be successful in life, which I have every right to believe I will be successful in- he said these things only to be hurtful). He always had these key phrases he would use when he was getting ready to discard me. I knew whenever he said them that another vicious attack was on it's way.
I heard them earlier this week, after having little to no contact with him for weeks. He was pissed I refused to spend the weekend with him, and went instead to a friend's birthday party. Anyhow, I heard those phrases and BOOM! I was gone within seconds. The phone re-blocked. The email blocked. I blocked every single avenue of contact I could think of blocking.
I am so incredibly angry at myself that I let it get this far, that I talked to that bastard at all. I gave up a valuable part of myself by seeing him again and allowing communication. I lost my self-respect. I hate myself for slipping up and going back.
I could care less about him, it is this self-loathing, the feeling I let myself down, that I cannot stand.
I know I am not the only one who has done this, and I am wondering how others coped with it? How they forgave themselves for going back and being treated this way?
There was a part of you that needed to be sure. Now you are. He's pulled out all stops (not that he won't keep trying if he can) and you have seen that it was smoke and mirrors. Forgive yourself for needing certainty.
Most of us have traveled
a long and windy road
to freedom It's virtually
never straight and always
forward. We've all been
on lots of switch-backs
and detours.
Please don't beat yourself
up. You're actually wise
and courageous.
LOVE YOURSELF.
Honor the winding
road you've traveled.
It has made you wiser.
Love yourself for
identifying the
red flags. I know
you were hoping
you'd never hear them.
But when you did, you
knew what you were
going to do. . . and
did them. Good for
you!!!!!!!!!
Forgive yourself and
honor your wisdom.
Practice meticulous
SELF-CARE. It will
help you in a thousand
ways!
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
After 6 months, I spent some time with mine a couple weeks ago. At first, I was beating myself up, but now-now I have no regrets. I have closure. And rather than having angry feelings toward him, or confused, sad, mixed-feelings, I am indifferent.
Don't get me wrong, ill never forget what he put me through, but I honestly know, without a doubt, what a crummy human being he is. I pity him.
I forgave myself because, while it was my choice to go with him, I understand the cycle of abuse and I understand that sometimes we go backward when trying to go forward. I forgave myself because I gathered more proof as to why I'm so much better off without him. I forgave myself because I was a victim. I've made some poor choices, but in the end, those choices paid off.
I do understand where you are coming from, but I hope this perspective will help you a bit.
Don't beat yourself up, Livn & Illene said it best! Take care of yourself.
Now you know so be thankful you can be assured NOTHING has changed.
Sending strength, encouragement and hugs! =)
it takes time. you just have to focus on how good you are doing now and how much better things will be. Being free is an amazing feeling and you are going to do so great!
keep your head up
Please listen to the others.
I wanted to add my please don't beat up yourself as well.
The problem with beating up yourself is it takes time away from the present and it will the future. If it did any good, it would be different. Since you can't change the past, please see that is a total waste of energy to beat yourself up. Just let it go and
focus on the present and yourself. I know this is so very hard, but you will make it.
I wish you the very best.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
And, like Livn says, sometimes you need to dip a toe in another time or two to really believe it. In the end, that can be invaluable to your long-term resolve.
And it did provide crystal clear certainty - at the hefty price of time. All the beating my self up gave me was EVEN more wasted time.
So please stop being so hard on yourself, you are human. And now you go onto the next stage of healing.
What pisses me off most is the time I 'wasted' with him, but all of you are right. If I hadn't gone back, I would have been left wondering if he ever wwould have changed, now I know that he never will. I felt this in my gut before, the true lesson in this experience is to trust myself... To listen to myself... And to love myself unconditionally.
The reason I come here is because every single person has been through what I have been through... No one else understands what I feel as completely as the wonderful women and men that I have met on this board!
You are ALL right, the more time I waste being mad at myself... Is more time wasted.
I took my dog for a walk and swimming down at a local beach this morning... While I was throwing the ball for him the sun shifted just so... And I could feel the heat on my shoulders and watch the rocks sparkle under the water. I would have missed this moment had I been still thinking about him or hating myself. And I would have never been able to get it back.
I still have a lot of healing to do, and that is my only focus right now!