Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
[from today's "Wolf's Daily Howl"]
First of all, yesterday I facilitated a circle last night, in the town in which I'd lived for ten years in my second marriage. Before the circle, I arrived early. So I waited outside, relaxing on a bench in a parklike setting.
The bench was in the shade. The sun was low and gentle breezes made the evening not merely comfortable, but absolutely lovely. There were birds and butterflies, bees on the flowers and people walking their dogs. Not far from where I sat, there was a marker that said below it was buried a time capsule, filled and sealed in 1988, marking the bicentennial of the town.
I immediately flashed back to the summer of 1988. I'd been in that town, for that bicentennial.
That was my "honeymoon" summer, my first year in my new marriage. I'd married a beautiful man whom I adored. We lived in a beautiful place and in 1988 I was certainly dreaming of a beautiful life together with my handsome, executive husband, here in this lovely Connecticut suburb.
Instead, the only thing beautiful was the summer evening, this [i]particular[/i] summer evening. I sat here, on a bench in this affluent town ------ unmarried ------ apart from that man whom I adored for a long, long time. That dream, which I remembered now in the pit of my stomach, had never materialized ----- not even that first summer. Truth be told, I'd already encountered problems. I'd run into the first episodes of what would become familiar dysfunctional patterns. But back in the summer of '88, hope still outweighed despair. Denial wasn't even fully formed, but in its embryonic form it would have been making me think and say: That was a fluke. We're still just adjusting. He's such a great guy. We'll work this out. It'll be okay.
That was my summer evening, last night. This morning is the fifth anniversary of the end of that marriage. Divorces are not happy things. They're the gavel coming down, legally ending a beautiful dream.
But the end of that dream meant the start of the best five years of my life.
For those of you out there in the various stages of ending your beautiful dreams . . . . . I'm so sorry that that had to come to you, in that manner. But, basically, we didn't ask to be abused. Once you're moving in that direction, you're on your way to getting healtier. Keep on going!
I'm feeling a little bit this and a little bit that, today. Tomorrow I'll feel all good.
Be well and take care!
Ilene
First of all, yesterday I facilitated a circle last night, in the town in which I'd lived for ten years in my second marriage. Before the circle, I arrived early. So I waited outside, relaxing on a bench in a parklike setting.
The bench was in the shade. The sun was low and gentle breezes made the evening not merely comfortable, but absolutely lovely. There were birds and butterflies, bees on the flowers and people walking their dogs. Not far from where I sat, there was a marker that said below it was buried a time capsule, filled and sealed in 1988, marking the bicentennial of the town.
I immediately flashed back to the summer of 1988. I'd been in that town, for that bicentennial.
That was my "honeymoon" summer, my first year in my new marriage. I'd married a beautiful man whom I adored. We lived in a beautiful place and in 1988 I was certainly dreaming of a beautiful life together with my handsome, executive husband, here in this lovely Connecticut suburb.
Instead, the only thing beautiful was the summer evening, this [i]particular[/i] summer evening. I sat here, on a bench in this affluent town ------ unmarried ------ apart from that man whom I adored for a long, long time. That dream, which I remembered now in the pit of my stomach, had never materialized ----- not even that first summer. Truth be told, I'd already encountered problems. I'd run into the first episodes of what would become familiar dysfunctional patterns. But back in the summer of '88, hope still outweighed despair. Denial wasn't even fully formed, but in its embryonic form it would have been making me think and say: That was a fluke. We're still just adjusting. He's such a great guy. We'll work this out. It'll be okay.
That was my summer evening, last night. This morning is the fifth anniversary of the end of that marriage. Divorces are not happy things. They're the gavel coming down, legally ending a beautiful dream.
But the end of that dream meant the start of the best five years of my life.
For those of you out there in the various stages of ending your beautiful dreams . . . . . I'm so sorry that that had to come to you, in that manner. But, basically, we didn't ask to be abused. Once you're moving in that direction, you're on your way to getting healtier. Keep on going!
I'm feeling a little bit this and a little bit that, today. Tomorrow I'll feel all good.
Be well and take care!
Ilene
I know your feeling and it hurts like crazy. October 8 will be my 4th anniver. and I'm already not looking forward to that day. I'm wondering what I could do for that day.
My stbx has not even signed the divorce papers, and it was sent to him a month ago, yet he is living with another woman in another city.
That woman even called me to tell to stay away from her man, not to call him and I don't even know his number!
Yes I know I know your feelings, but we are women, women who are strong and intelligent. The world would not survive without women. Even God knew man needed a woman and the world needed a woman.
Our dreams may have ended with our divorces, but it was just that dream. We have many more dreams that can come true, we can make it come true ourselves, we need a man to make our dreams come true.
More power to you, and lots of rainbows to you. Keep your head up girl, you will be great. He is just not worth it.
SORRY ABOUT THAT. MUCH LOVE
The truth is, it does start with US, and working on our needs, and radiates out. The dreams starts here.
I hope I can get to a place where I trust again, and maybe even believe in the dream of happiness with a partner...right now, I just don't see it, but perhaps one day, it will become clearer? I guess the point is, at least we're going in the right direction...away from abuse, and that's a good start.
Thanks for the boost!
Yes. Imagine yourself, five years out.
Thing is, I would never, ever have guessed I'd be this okay, even in my best imaginings. I'm off to work, now. I help people get clear and move forward and find joy. If I hadn't gone through what I went through, I'd never be able to do this with the clarity, confidence and experience, I'm able to, day-to-day. It's all because of what I had to bring MYSELF through.
Each of you out there, soldiering on ------ I know it doesn't feel like you're making progress, most of the time. But you ARE. Keep at it!!!!!! You're doing it and you're doing it with strength and beauty.
Be well all. Life gets better. Stay focused on self-care!
love you ----
Ilene
I had got to a stage where I had started to get scared of dreaming anything as I will then want it to come true and I was pretty sure it will not..
I know it pains but it does get better...Living with pain is more difficult then living where your past was painful...
Hugs to you...
It is so hard to picture life beyond today. I am having an incredibly sad day, at work - thankfully I'm alone in here - tears welling up in my eyes pretty much constantly. I have been like this all day. Maybe because it's my husband's birthday today. Everything in my life seems so wrong and unnatural right now.
Your post made me think of a line from a Springsteen song:
"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?"
This is not an optimistic line to quote, I realize. But I don't think failed dreams are a lie, nor are they something worse. What we need to believe is that we all deserve a second chance if our dreams don't come true; we can even try again with the same dreams...until we get things right....despite the fact that they failed in the past. And I need to believe that we'll know, instinctively, when things are finally right.
"I had got to a stage where I had started to get scared of dreaming anything as I will then want it to come true and I was pretty sure it will not."
and that's close to how I feel, along with a lot of anger, grief, and despair. Actually I do have dreams - I want to be independent. I want to live in an apartment (or dare I dream bigger house that I own !!!) with my dog and decorate it exactly how I want it. I want to buy a car (I never thought I'd be 30 with no transportation). I want to get a job that I want to show up for where I do important work helping people. I want to go back to school and get a graduate degree or two and become specialized in my field. I want to travel. I want to stop hating myself. I want to be absolutely deprogrammed from all the abuse and negative messages that have been hurled on me by my father and my ex. (I have read all the books - Lundy Bancroft, et al - about why they do what they do, but honestly, I don't think I'll ever understand why these types of people treat people how they do. I pretty much think they are not as evolved as the rest of us). I want to help other women who are going through this (although clearly I need to help myself first). And maybe, after I heal from all this horror, I hope to meet a kind, wonderful man and experience mutual love, honestly, kindness, and respect I always hoped to get from my ex but never received. All of these dreams are just that - dreams. I don't know the first step toward attaining them. I feel like I'm in quicksand and the more I struggle, the faster I drown.
So that's where I am today, but the next paragraph reflects where I hope to be:
I read an interesting article in the New York Times this morning about how the answer to a lot of global problems: war, poverty, even terrorism is to educate women, and to help them build their own businesses through microloans. This will help balance out the power differential between genders so women are no longer second class citizens, or slaves as they are in many countries. Anyway, the article talked about an Indian women, Tererai, who had been beaten by her husband on a regular basis because she kept giving birth to daughters rather than sons, but then someone told her she could have dreams, and so she started to dream and her life transformed. This woman is my hero.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/23/magazine/23Women-t.html?_r=1&em
The article is a bit long but well worth the read. Also, it is very applicable to our lives.