Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is a paste-in from today's Wolf's Daily Howl
about an Ah Ha Moment about why most of us do something so utterly futile. . . .
I learned something as a result of a conversation at last night's circle.
It was a small circle (never a problem in my opinion, becasue
each person who attends gets that much more individual attention).
There was a gentleman in his early forties who is trying to
recover from having been financially and emotionally "taken"
by a woman he loved (loves!).
Hearing the history of their relationship and the things she'd
done before and after their relationship, I was pretty clear
that this woman either suffers from a personality disorder
or is actually sociopathic. She's a typical abuser. (Yes, we
hear more about guys acting this way, but that's only a result
of what we believe socio-culturally ----- not what actually IS.
The last contact he had with her was seven months ago.
Despite this and everything she did to him (she basically
left him financially destitute and emotionally crushed),
he worries about her, wishes he could get her help, and
spends lots of time trying to find the "good" in her.
So ----- here's where I made my breakthrough. It may
not seem like a huge insight, but a pile of small insights
eventually are just as useful as one big one:
I went home thinking about why victims who've been
abused by someone spend years following the abuse looking
for the "good" in the person who treated them like dirt.
Now, I'm not saying this is "conscious" motivation. It's likely
below the level of our rational thinking but. . . . it struck me
that the victim in endless pursuit of the "good" in the abuser
might be on their search so that they, the victim, can feel
less embarrassed about their choice in connecting with this
apparently awful person.
Remember, now. . . . . that real sociopaths come on to us
in sheep's clothing. They present themselves cloaked in the
disguise of being somebody wonderful. So. . . . believing what
we see. . . . we trust them. Having gotten us successfully
attached, they drop the guise and begin to run their game
with impunity. Now, hurt and confused, we wonder how
we could have been (and I'm going to use the terminology
I hear most often) ---- so STUPID!!!!!!!!
The thing is ----- we were CONNED!!!!!!!!!
"Con game" is short for "confidence game." The perpetrator
sets up a scenario and gains our confidence, or trust. We
innocently hand over the goods ---- and they're gone.
We feel dismayed by our mistaken perception. So. . . .
we keep looking and looking for the"good" we first "saw"
in the con. We feel as though, if we could just find some
remnants of the "good" they presented early on (to manipulate
us into their capture), then we can feel a little better about
ourselves and our judgement.
What we're missing is that finding "some good" in a sociopath
happens less often than discovering a fresh water spring in the Sahara.
But the victim insists on continuing to search because if they could only
just find some goodness, they could lessen some of the pain that's resulted from the injury the con/abuser inflicted.
And that's why the injured victim seems compelled to believe the abuser
can't really be all that bad.
Please let me add here, as I've tried to say before in other places, that a
discussion of "good" and "bad" in personality is not going to help us understand abuse. My framework is based on "healthy and functioning" or emotionally UNhealthy and dysfunctional."
Your thoughts?
about an Ah Ha Moment about why most of us do something so utterly futile. . . .
I learned something as a result of a conversation at last night's circle.
It was a small circle (never a problem in my opinion, becasue
each person who attends gets that much more individual attention).
There was a gentleman in his early forties who is trying to
recover from having been financially and emotionally "taken"
by a woman he loved (loves!).
Hearing the history of their relationship and the things she'd
done before and after their relationship, I was pretty clear
that this woman either suffers from a personality disorder
or is actually sociopathic. She's a typical abuser. (Yes, we
hear more about guys acting this way, but that's only a result
of what we believe socio-culturally ----- not what actually IS.
The last contact he had with her was seven months ago.
Despite this and everything she did to him (she basically
left him financially destitute and emotionally crushed),
he worries about her, wishes he could get her help, and
spends lots of time trying to find the "good" in her.
So ----- here's where I made my breakthrough. It may
not seem like a huge insight, but a pile of small insights
eventually are just as useful as one big one:
I went home thinking about why victims who've been
abused by someone spend years following the abuse looking
for the "good" in the person who treated them like dirt.
Now, I'm not saying this is "conscious" motivation. It's likely
below the level of our rational thinking but. . . . it struck me
that the victim in endless pursuit of the "good" in the abuser
might be on their search so that they, the victim, can feel
less embarrassed about their choice in connecting with this
apparently awful person.
Remember, now. . . . . that real sociopaths come on to us
in sheep's clothing. They present themselves cloaked in the
disguise of being somebody wonderful. So. . . . believing what
we see. . . . we trust them. Having gotten us successfully
attached, they drop the guise and begin to run their game
with impunity. Now, hurt and confused, we wonder how
we could have been (and I'm going to use the terminology
I hear most often) ---- so STUPID!!!!!!!!
The thing is ----- we were CONNED!!!!!!!!!
"Con game" is short for "confidence game." The perpetrator
sets up a scenario and gains our confidence, or trust. We
innocently hand over the goods ---- and they're gone.
We feel dismayed by our mistaken perception. So. . . .
we keep looking and looking for the"good" we first "saw"
in the con. We feel as though, if we could just find some
remnants of the "good" they presented early on (to manipulate
us into their capture), then we can feel a little better about
ourselves and our judgement.
What we're missing is that finding "some good" in a sociopath
happens less often than discovering a fresh water spring in the Sahara.
But the victim insists on continuing to search because if they could only
just find some goodness, they could lessen some of the pain that's resulted from the injury the con/abuser inflicted.
And that's why the injured victim seems compelled to believe the abuser
can't really be all that bad.
Please let me add here, as I've tried to say before in other places, that a
discussion of "good" and "bad" in personality is not going to help us understand abuse. My framework is based on "healthy and functioning" or emotionally UNhealthy and dysfunctional."
Your thoughts?
So it was not so much the humiliation of being conned per se(although it was that) but in the main for me I couldn't face the hurt of it. He never loved me at all?? It was ALL a lie??
I'm over it now mind you I am just sharing the experience for the benefit of the discussion.
Thanks Ilene.
1. What makes suceptible to be CONNED
2. Why does it bother us so much that we were
In my own case I think that my vunerability to being conned came from my low value of self worth (as a result of me not accepting myself) which made me easy bait for anybody who was prepared to accept me as I was or in this case pretend to accept me as I was.
Why did it bother me so much that I had been conned because of a bipolarity that existed in me as a concequence of the same low self esteem. You see, if we are really hard on ourselves thinking we are stupid for instance a rebelling part of us thinks we are more intelligent than most and this part in me had (and to some extent still has) a problem with me being stupid enough to have been taken in.
I guess what I am saying is that to heal the effects of our abuse and prevent future abuse we need to work on fully accepting ourselves and building up our self esteem but we can't do this unless we first take ourselves out of the abusive environment.
Catwoman posed the question of what makes us susceptible to being conned.
The development of a baby psyche in its family-of-origin determines whether, as an adult, we have a healthy core, appropriate boundaries and a working con-game detector.
An injured, crippled psyche is like a raw meat to a shark. The con knows that the person with an injured psyche without a healthy core and appropriate boundaries, is easy pickin's. S/he will move in for the capture. Like a vampire, the predator will suck the victim dry, then move on. What's left is often a lifeless husk, a shell, a wavering shadow of what was once a functional or semi-functional individual.
And that shell of a person looks down at the transperant left-overs of the vampire's meal, remembers what was once their life, and feels despair. That's "why" we feel so badly, after the predator has filled up (having sucked out our life force) and moved on.
And, yeah . . . . . Polyanna Disorder . . . . . .
And no ---- it's not about getting to be grumpy or negative.
But if we insist on ignoring that we're tromping through a cow pasture full of cow-poop ----- we're going to come out on the other side pretty stinky.
We can at least wear our boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, Tame ----- I've come up with between two and four "chances," depending on circumstances. But now I certainly wear my boots sooner than later.
I think you make a good point cirtainly I would say this applies to me, I always look for the good in people which makes me want to trust people.
I like the fact that I want to trust people I think it is one of my nicest attributes so how can I keep this attribute and protect myself?
In the end I believe the answer lies in trusting my intuition about people. In the process of starting to rebuild my self esteem I realise there was always something inconguous in the relationship a feeling that I had to justify my existance in some way.
When I look back I realise that my intuition had always been sending me warning signals. I wonder if this is one of the reasons for the crazy making effect.
They may on the surface tell us that they are concerned for us but emotionally we pick up a feeling of coldness, a disconnect.
The discrepency between the actual and subliminal message might result in us thinking we are crazy.
The intuitive warnings that whisper to us to beware. . . . .
So easy to step over. . . . . so clear in retrospect!
A desire to want to believe in "the good" is great. But it's only great as long as that desire doesn't blind us to what someone is really --- actually ----- doing.
Speaking for myself, I've shifted to a neutral starting-off point. I don't believe that people are either "good" or "bad." I believe that most of us are a combination of both with a predominance of one or the other, for most of us, depending on how emotionally healthy or injured we are. So, in general, when I meet someone, I give them a neutral setting and I keep myself and them on that neutral setting for as long as I need to get an average-over-time reading.
That way, I neither rush into handing over the "keys to the city" nor keep them blockaded out in the cold because a total inability to trust.
Using this method, I still make mistakes, but over time and with practice, I find this strategy works for me better than any from my past, have.
So ---- basically ----- I say (to myself, not to them) ----- I want to be your friend eventually, and I hope that's the end result. That will be the case if I see, over time, that you interact with me in a respectful, courteous, caring manner. When I know that's your basic setting, barring a really bad day or some unusual set of circumstances, then I will open the gates of my heart and/or life, and you may come in and take share my time and energy. If I let you and find I've been mistaken, you'll discover you've been evicted and no longer have access.
Conversely, if I discover over time that I was too cautious initially and despite my keeping you out, you've turned out to be really a great person, then that situation could change as well.
I'm slower to judegement, in recent years. I believe there are great people and I hope to meet them all. I also believe there are predators and I'm on the look out for them, as well!
My trust must be EARNED.