Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Found this info on this site http://gospelthemes.com/abuse.htm#warning
It really was helpful to me and wanted to share it with my fellow survivors.(((((HUGS))))) to all of us
DeeDee
Lundy Bancroft, in his timeless book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, gives a list of common control tactics that abusive people use on their victims:
abusers have so many ways to bully their way through arguments that I couldn't possibly name them all, but the abuser's most common tactics are listed below.
* Sarcasm
* Ridicule
* Distorting what you say
* Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction
* Sulking
* Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
* Using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority--"defining reality"
* Interrupting
* Not listening, refusing to respond
* Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
* Turning your grievances around to use against you
* Changing the subject to his grievances
* Criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent
* Provoking guilt
* Playing the victim
* Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions
* Yelling, out-shouting
* Swearing
* Name-calling, insults, put-downs
* Walking out
* Towering over you
* Walking toward you in an intimidating way
* Blocking a doorway
* Other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close while he's angry
* Threating to leave you
* Threating to harm you
Conversational control tactics are aggravating no matter who uses them, but they are especially coercive and upsetting when used by an abusive man because of the surrounding context of emotional or physical intimidation. I have rarely met an abuser who didn't use a wide array of the above tactics in conflicts; if you consider an argument with a partner to be a war, why not use every weapon you can think of? The underlying mind-set makes the behaviors almost inevitable. [Female abusers often excel at the same tactics men use.--PRD]
The abusive man [or woman] wants particularly to discredit your perspective, especially your grievances. He [or she] may tell you, for example, that the "real" reasons why you complain about the way he [or she] treats you are:
* You don't want him to feel good about himself.
* You can't handle it if he has an opinion that differs from yours, if he is angry, or if he is right.
* You are too sensitive, you read too much into things, or you take things the wrong way.
* You were abused as a child or by a former partner, so you think everything is abuse.
These are all strategies he uses to avoid having to think seriously about your grievances, because then he [or she] might be obligated to change his [or her] behaviors or attitudes.
The abusive man's [woman's] goal in a heated argument is in essence to get you to stop thinking for yourself and to silence you, because to him your opinions and complaints are obstacles to the imposition of his will as well as an affront to his sense of entitlement. If you watch closely, you will begin to notice how many of his controlling behaviors are aimed ultimately at discrediting and silencing you.
He makes sure to get his way--by one means or another. The bottom line with an abuser in an argument is that he wants what he wants--today, tomorrow, and always--and he feels he has a right to it. (Bancroft, pp. 145-147.)
It really was helpful to me and wanted to share it with my fellow survivors.(((((HUGS))))) to all of us
DeeDee
Lundy Bancroft, in his timeless book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, gives a list of common control tactics that abusive people use on their victims:
abusers have so many ways to bully their way through arguments that I couldn't possibly name them all, but the abuser's most common tactics are listed below.
* Sarcasm
* Ridicule
* Distorting what you say
* Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction
* Sulking
* Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks
* Using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority--"defining reality"
* Interrupting
* Not listening, refusing to respond
* Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective
* Turning your grievances around to use against you
* Changing the subject to his grievances
* Criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent
* Provoking guilt
* Playing the victim
* Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions
* Yelling, out-shouting
* Swearing
* Name-calling, insults, put-downs
* Walking out
* Towering over you
* Walking toward you in an intimidating way
* Blocking a doorway
* Other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close while he's angry
* Threating to leave you
* Threating to harm you
Conversational control tactics are aggravating no matter who uses them, but they are especially coercive and upsetting when used by an abusive man because of the surrounding context of emotional or physical intimidation. I have rarely met an abuser who didn't use a wide array of the above tactics in conflicts; if you consider an argument with a partner to be a war, why not use every weapon you can think of? The underlying mind-set makes the behaviors almost inevitable. [Female abusers often excel at the same tactics men use.--PRD]
The abusive man [or woman] wants particularly to discredit your perspective, especially your grievances. He [or she] may tell you, for example, that the "real" reasons why you complain about the way he [or she] treats you are:
* You don't want him to feel good about himself.
* You can't handle it if he has an opinion that differs from yours, if he is angry, or if he is right.
* You are too sensitive, you read too much into things, or you take things the wrong way.
* You were abused as a child or by a former partner, so you think everything is abuse.
These are all strategies he uses to avoid having to think seriously about your grievances, because then he [or she] might be obligated to change his [or her] behaviors or attitudes.
The abusive man's [woman's] goal in a heated argument is in essence to get you to stop thinking for yourself and to silence you, because to him your opinions and complaints are obstacles to the imposition of his will as well as an affront to his sense of entitlement. If you watch closely, you will begin to notice how many of his controlling behaviors are aimed ultimately at discrediting and silencing you.
He makes sure to get his way--by one means or another. The bottom line with an abuser in an argument is that he wants what he wants--today, tomorrow, and always--and he feels he has a right to it. (Bancroft, pp. 145-147.)
It's the first book I picked up when I was shell-shocked right after my abandonment; so happy I did.
Thanks for posting Deedee!