Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi guys, it is me again.
I got back to the country where my ex boyfriend is, after being few days depressed at home, where I wrote my last post.
I remember coming back, sitting in bed, crying my heart out being torn between: "is it my fault? Am I insane? Maybe if I will stop being so emotional we will work out" and "what he did to me was not normal and not okay". I was craving his presence so much that I asked him to come over.
We would go on and on about last argument where I was saying: "I know I made my mistakes. I think the blame is on both sides" and he was saying thay everything is my fault. I started crying and the more I cried the more aggressive he got. Anything that was not "I am sorry" was "you are making yourself a victim", "you hold things above your head", "you cant stop talkig about what you have done for me and this relationship". I felt like I cant say anything because he felt attacked non stop. I was crying saying that I am not attacking him, and he was more aggressive, asking me not to touch him, giving me occassional smirks and horrible sarcastic faces.
I wanted him to calm down and stay and he said in absolute madness "you dont want to see how aggressive I can get". He started being really scary to me and after that, within a moment, he switched. He grabbed my hand, sit down on a sofa and said "baby, maybe we can help you". He took the phone from his pocket and started reading about martyr complex which he and his mom think I have, he was saying in an angel voice "just listen please" and I felt like I am going insane.
Then he kissed me on a forehead and said that he needs me, he was just really mad at me because I was not here and he thought I am partying with my friends somewhere.
I guess I kind of needed this meeting to see, that (I hope?) His behaviour was far from normal. And even if he just got really mad, I think any person in this world would apologize the next day, which did not happen in his case. He texted and contact me the next day very quickly from "i see the chance in us" and hour later because of lack of my response "my mom will pack all your shit and give it back". I went full no contact but I cant stop reading about all the narcissist behaviours.
My question is: he comes across as an emotional person. I saw him crying a lot of times, he is going thru stuff. Is it possible that he is just not caring, not giving a damn type of a man who treats me only as a supply and he does not have any other feelings? Me leaving does not affect him at all? He used to talk about people hurting him and he genuinely seem hurt which, from what I read is not what Narcisstic person does. He also seem to worry about people. Sometimes when I would start crying he would come over being all affectionate and comforting. All this is just a front?
And second: maybe, if he is not in an advance stage of his problem, there is a way to help? He is an amazing guy and if everything comes down to him just being mentally troubled, maybe there is help? Not saying for this relationship, but solely for him?
Last question: he was not like this from the start and I am his first girlfriend, is it possible that I made him this way?
This quote:
"you dont want to see how aggressive I can get"
suggests that this man is
DANGEROUS
and that any contact with
him puts you in DANGER,
and everything else you
wrote in both the original
thread and your subsequent
responses strongly suggests
that he is very seriously
disturbed.
It doesn't matter whether
he clinically suffers from
Narcissistic Personality
Disorder or not.
You did NOT make him
------ anything
and you can NOT
repair or help him
in any way.
If you stay connected
with him, the only one
who is going to end
up changed, is YOU.
When that happens,
you'll find that that
change is not going
to be positive.
What you've written
about all his
double messages
is TEXTBOOK
dysfunctional behavior.
It's not surprising that
you feel really lost.
That's the effect of
being the target of
extreme dysfunctionality.
I urge you in the
strongest manner
to find a clinical
specialist whose
concentration is
recovery from abuse.
If you do (together
with going NO CONTACT),
you have a chance
of experiencing
recovery.
If you don't, you may
find that the emotional
injury that has been
the result of this
(and other?) relationship(s)
follows you in a broad
variety of ways, for the
entire span of the
rest of your life.
Regarding whether
anyone can help him. . . . . . .
There's no one answer
to this question, but
here's something to
consider. . . . . .
Most people suffering
from serious dysfunctionality
(as he is), are not
(I repeat. . . . .
are NOT)
meaningfully
helped by therapy,
even world-class
therapy.
As to his being
such an "amazing" guy. . . . . . .
Please keep in mind
that it's not beyond
reasonable possibility
that this amazing guy
could end up causing
you serious physical
injury or even, ultimately,
ending your life.
I have to presume that
on any healthy day,
that's not what you
have in mind for
your future.
Please STAY SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!
To answer your questions,
Abusers are capable of being emotional, but their emotions are 'off' (for lack of a better word. They can usually only be emotional for and about themselves. They almost always lack the ability to empathsize with anyone but themselves. The "love" that they proclaim is NOT the love that non abusers have. They are NOT capable of what we think of as love - except for themselves.
You asked: Is it possible that he is just not caring, not giving a damn type of a man who treats me only as a supply and he does not have any other feelings? More than likely he does view and treat you only as a supply. But he probably has other feelings. They are just greatly skewed and NOT HEALTHY.
Me leaving does not affect him at all? Oh it will affect him. He will lost his "supply." IF you do NOT go TOTAL NO CONTACT, you will see all kinds of machinations on his part. But that's all they are. Manipulative emotions & wild promises to suck you back in.
He used to talk about people hurting him and he genuinely seem hurt which, from what I read is not what Narcisstic person does. Not sure, but narcissists can seem hurt, just like everyone else. They are, after all, only concerned w/how they feel and NOT anyone elses feelings.
He also seem to worry about people. Narcs are great actors. They can appear to be the nicest most generous people in the world. BUT there's always a price to pay for narcissistic niceness.
" All this is just a front?" Yep, it's all part of the narcissistic act.
"he was not like this from the start and I am his first girlfriend, is it possible that I made him this way?" Narcs are quite good at showing their 'good' side in order to suck their source in. That's a VERY COMMON behavior. (Like sweeping one off their feet.) NO, you didn't MAKE him be any way. That is just the way he is. Narcissists are deeply wounded people. Only appropriately trained therapists might be able to help them. There is NOTHING you can do to help him. That is NOT your job.
In response to your first comment: Abusers can change behaviours in a heartbeat. They do so in order to keep their source off balance and confused. They can be all nicey nice, especially if the source is specific about wanting certain behaviors from them. ALL of the contradictory behaviors you describe are typical of abusers. Stress can certainly escalate an abuser's behavior. Is that something you want to live with for one more day...or the rest of your precious life??????
Re your 2nd comment: IF he actually thought he needed to go to therapy, he would have already gone. Those comments are 'carrots' he's danging in front of you to keep you hoping that "one day" (which never comes) he will do whatever he happens to be dangling in front of you.
One last thing. It really doesn't matter if he's a narcissist or bi-polar or both, or something else. He is first and foremost an ABUSER and that will never change - other than to GET WORSE.
You do NOT deserve to be treated like this. Please go back and read all the replies to your previous post to keep reminding yourself you deserve better. And please make an appt w/a qualified specially trained therapist who can help you start focusing on you instead of him. ~healing hugs~