Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello friends,
I have been here before but off for a while sort of making a last go of a marraige. My wife has been abusive for all 16 years. We almost split in June but are giving it one last try. She has been great for 4 months. But then the inevtiable blowup.
So we took a trip athis weekend to see the fall colors. I have some serious health issues including a brain hemorraghe and two minor strokes so I suffer from terrible headaches and extreme fatigue among other things. I warned her that i would need frequent rest periods and if that would be a problem we shouldnt go.
So we left Friday night and drove 4 hours. I was ok and then we looked for a hotel. After a few looks we found a nice one with a suite and a great deal! So we go to dinner and its now 8pm. Oh, I had also worked a 1/2 day and then drove 4 hours. So at dinner I ordered a nice piece of whitefish. She ordered all you can eat crab legs. She got mad at me becasue I ordered fish. I told her I didnt want a big huge meal that late. So she yelled at me for ordering fish. And said I wasnt the same person I used to be. I didnt want to eat a big meal and go to bed. So she ordered all you can eat and dessert just to spite me.
The next day around 10am she said lets go, we're going to breakfast, "I want breakfast". I am very sick and tired in the mornings on Saturday and did not feel well at all. So we go to breakfast and I had to keep clearing my throat. I just woke up, my throat was dry. I tried to drink as much water as I could. I ordered breakfast even though I wanst hungry. I was in alot of pain and she asked whats the matter. I said I am usually pretty sick on Saturday mornings and have to start slow.
She said "thats it" I'm taking you home. I said just take it easy I will feel better once I wake up. She continued to berate me and said "this is isnt working" as if she wanted a divorce. I said to relax. She said she would leave me there 300 miles away if I didnt want to go home.
At that point I had enough and gritted my teeth in the restaurant and said "DO NOT TALK TO ME THIS WAY, IA M SICK AND DO NOT TREAT ME THIS WAY". We finished our meal and she continued to berate me in the car back to the hotel. She wanted to go home but physically I couldnt handle sitting 4 hours in a car with my pain level. MY BP must have been sky high. I laid down and told her to leave me alone.
She said she was going to the store to get some fudge and lo and behold. She comes back and had bought me two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, a jacket and a hat. I said thanks but what did I do to deserve this. She sort of apologized. We stayed the weekend and had a decent time.
Is this normal behavior? Is this emotional abuse. I have a very good friend who knows me well and told me I was being too sensitive and that this is "normal" spousal bickering.
Is this normal???
Martin
I have been here before but off for a while sort of making a last go of a marraige. My wife has been abusive for all 16 years. We almost split in June but are giving it one last try. She has been great for 4 months. But then the inevtiable blowup.
So we took a trip athis weekend to see the fall colors. I have some serious health issues including a brain hemorraghe and two minor strokes so I suffer from terrible headaches and extreme fatigue among other things. I warned her that i would need frequent rest periods and if that would be a problem we shouldnt go.
So we left Friday night and drove 4 hours. I was ok and then we looked for a hotel. After a few looks we found a nice one with a suite and a great deal! So we go to dinner and its now 8pm. Oh, I had also worked a 1/2 day and then drove 4 hours. So at dinner I ordered a nice piece of whitefish. She ordered all you can eat crab legs. She got mad at me becasue I ordered fish. I told her I didnt want a big huge meal that late. So she yelled at me for ordering fish. And said I wasnt the same person I used to be. I didnt want to eat a big meal and go to bed. So she ordered all you can eat and dessert just to spite me.
The next day around 10am she said lets go, we're going to breakfast, "I want breakfast". I am very sick and tired in the mornings on Saturday and did not feel well at all. So we go to breakfast and I had to keep clearing my throat. I just woke up, my throat was dry. I tried to drink as much water as I could. I ordered breakfast even though I wanst hungry. I was in alot of pain and she asked whats the matter. I said I am usually pretty sick on Saturday mornings and have to start slow.
She said "thats it" I'm taking you home. I said just take it easy I will feel better once I wake up. She continued to berate me and said "this is isnt working" as if she wanted a divorce. I said to relax. She said she would leave me there 300 miles away if I didnt want to go home.
At that point I had enough and gritted my teeth in the restaurant and said "DO NOT TALK TO ME THIS WAY, IA M SICK AND DO NOT TREAT ME THIS WAY". We finished our meal and she continued to berate me in the car back to the hotel. She wanted to go home but physically I couldnt handle sitting 4 hours in a car with my pain level. MY BP must have been sky high. I laid down and told her to leave me alone.
She said she was going to the store to get some fudge and lo and behold. She comes back and had bought me two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, a jacket and a hat. I said thanks but what did I do to deserve this. She sort of apologized. We stayed the weekend and had a decent time.
Is this normal behavior? Is this emotional abuse. I have a very good friend who knows me well and told me I was being too sensitive and that this is "normal" spousal bickering.
Is this normal???
Martin
She should be more understanding of your health issues. But it does go a long way when you let the person know even though you can't help your health problems, it is unfortunate that even pleasant outtings can't be experienced to their full potential because you're not at full capacity and you know it must be stressful for her. It lets people know you appreciate where they're coming from too. This might soften her a little. I just find that when you're gracious the worst thing that will happen when you're in an relationship like this is YOU will become a deeper kinder better communicator. Even if it has NO affect on them whatsoever, you'll be better for it. If she can't reciprocate then that is not your fault.
I'm glad you stuck up for yourself and you put your foot down and wouldn't play the game. It's good to stick up for yourself!! People have to respect you and not kick you around.
And, if you are not well, and have a serious health condition, how is it not abusive to make it more difficult on you, when you clearly stated that you are not feeling well? How about, instead, a little empathy, such as, "what could I do to help?", "I'm so sorry you don't feel well, what could we do to make you more comfortable, so we can have a good trip?" Isn't that what you would have done for her, were the cards were reversed?
That's what I would do for my bf with his TBI and his health issues, that's what he would do for me.
It does not sound like normal bickering to me. I was with an abuser and I am with a non abuser now, guess which one would tell me what to eat for dinner, guess which one did things just to spite me, guess which one threatened me when I didn't do what they wanted and could care less if I was sick because they still wanted their every need catered to?
Reading your description of
your weekend hurt my heart.
It was ssoooooo familiar. It
was familiar because I lived
it.
I was on a wonderful day-trip
to the beach and developed
a migraine. The migraine
didn't stop him from hammering
me withverbal abuse, until I
finally pulled a towel over my
head and refused to engage
in anything further.
You wrote:
My wife has been abusive for all 16 years.
And then you end up asking
if what happened on your trip
is "normal" behavior or if what
happened was emotionally abusive.
What happened is TOTALLY
NORMAL FOR AN ABUSER.
Your very good friend who knows
you well doesn't know what's
normal spousal bickering
and what's abuse.
You were NOT being
"too sensitive."
You were being
abused.
The four months during
which your wife was
"great" was all she
could manage.
As I've said in other
responses, once an
abuser feels that she
or he has regained
control over the
nearly-escaped
victim, the abuse
returns with (no
pun intended). . .
a VENGEANCE.
Abusers who
successfully
recapture their
victim eventually
feel FURIOUS
over the attempted
escape.
When they feel it's
safe to abuse again,
the abuse escalates
beyond what it was
before, because they're
compelled to PUNISH
the victim who had the
audacity to attempt to
escape.
Martin. . . . the things you
described in your travelogue
are cruel and reprehensible.
What "normal" partner
harangues their life mate
for his (or her) choice of
entree? I'll answer that
for you. NO "normal"
partner would do that.
And then treating you as
she did, at breakfast?
She was actually right.
It ISN'T working. As a
functional relationship,
your "one last try"
probably isn't working.
Imagine a lifetime of
weekends like the one
you just had. How will
you feel at the end of
that lifetime?
Please take good
care of yourself!!!!!!!
Thanks to all for replying. Ironically enough, she was mad at me becasue my fish dinner was TOO inexpensive. I was paying, wt heck Go figure right? I more than wanted to order steak and lobster but I figured why spend the moeny if I'm not feeling well and wont enjoy it. Fish is healthy,excuse me.
The behavior at breakfast was reprehensible. I was in SEVERE pain, the kind of pain that makes you nauseous and sweaty. But no I had to eat!
Panz- I did thank her and we were able to move on. But deep down I think she bought me things because she knew she was wrong
Rose and cantdeal-great points, if it were me and she was sick I would have asked her what I could do to help her more comfortable. I would have been mortified that she felt so sick and traveled.
Ilene- Thank you, wise words as always. It just threw me off when my friend told me it was just bickering and she was being a b***ch.
Oh, the breakfast was much worse than I said. It was horrible, constant berating. I actaully said to her "Why dont you put me in a wheelchair and push me in to traffic" that would be less offensive.
Thanks all,
Martin
Any time anyone tells you that you are too sensitive, it's time to run for the hills. No one has the right to judge you or determine whether or not you are 'too sensitive!'
Even if your wife had communicated clearly that she didn't want you spending whatever it was for the fish dinner, HER reactions were OVERBOARD. Especially since you were paying! And she definitely blew any credibility she might have had when she went out and spent all that money when she was just going out for 'fudge.'
One more big red flag is that she showed absolutely no empathy for you, full well knowing your medical history, not to mention your clear explanations of how you were feeling. Abusers ONLY HAVE EMPATHY FOR THEMSELVES.
I am sorry you have to deal with this day in and day out. And I'm sorry to say that it will more than likely only get worse.