I am schizophrenic and depressed (and no that doesn't excuse any of this. It just means that I have access to therapy).

I was under a lot of stress. I graduate from college this year, I want to stay near my fiancee but I don't know if I can find a job near him that won't make me hate my life (I have had a single bottle of pills cost $1,000 before. My doctor had to talk to the insurance company and tell them we had a lot of other things so this expense was necessary). My Mom and Dad pay for my medicine, doctor, and therapy now and I don't know if we ever got a refund. He runs his own fledgling business so he has no steady income. Besides it is my illness and I need to be the one who is responsible for it.

I have also felt threatened by this one boy in one of my classes. Once I calmed down I realized that my fiancee was right and he wasn't really a threat. I think there are a whole lot of guys who find me attractive and I am afraid that I will be worthless once I am not pretty anymore and that my fiancee won't love me then. I have been told that I am smart and creative not only by him but by many of my professors and just other people in general.

But when I yelled at him (and angrily text-ed which is worse because it will stay there forever, even though the words I said will too) I said that he wouldn't love me once I wasn't pretty anymore and how I thought he was different.

He is still very, very, mad at me. I deserve this. I somewhat quasi broke it off during this and I am afraid he will leave me because of this. He should. What I did was just so wrong. He says that he has already forgiven me, that he is just mad and doesn't want to talk right now. I'm afraid that if he forgives me this will encourage him to stay if I get worse.

Please, please, forgive me. I know that this is just so mind numbingly simple but I have a friend who was abused and she said that she was with someone for a long time and then one day he just suddenly changed. I have never hit him, tried to make him feel worthless, I'm just afraid of how I felt during this.

I have never broken out in this level of crazy before and if it is something that is going to happen over and over again (my Dad says that if someone kills some one and she confirmed it with hit someone it just become easier and easier the more you do it). So I am afraid that this might just be the beginning. I felt so much better after saying what I said. That's the part that is scaring me.

I was mad because he didn't sound concerned about this guy because I am in college and I had a friend who had to get a restraining order and I saw how little the cops were willing to help her. He said away but it was still only a piece of paper and she was constantly scared. He was also trying to watch walking dead while we were talking about this.

He has always done the right thing for me. I know that if he for any moment believed I was in any sort of danger he would have acted. And I wasn't. It was a mass of fear (both rational and irrational) bottled into one subject. He went to a rough public school. He knows what danger looks like and sounds like more than I do.

I know there is some debate as to whether abusive people can change. I would rather leave him and try to change myself if that is what it takes so that I don't hurt him again.

My annoyance/anger at him had been building for some time. I have done this sort of thing before just not to this extent. I just want to stop this before hit happens.

Please help.