Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I got stuck at work late tonight. We couldn't figure out why our credit cards were .20 off (yes, just 20 cents!) and we can't leave until everything balances. I was supposed to get off at 5, we closed at 6, but here it was 6:20 and I'm still there (ahhh the joys of being manager--it's like being paid to be a mom of adult children sometimes!) My cell phone rings and I see it's him. I figure he is just going to be playing 20 questions about where I am, but when I answer I can barely understand him. He asks if I am still at work, tells me I am going to be stuck in traffic for a while due to an accident. I groan and ask where--he tells me, then I he gets really quiet and I think he keeps saying "F***". I say, "are you okay?" He says "No, he's dead!" I think he means he has run someone over or something. I say "who" He says "Kevin--I have to go."
This is his cousin who is more like a brother to him. This is one of only two individuals in his family that has ever been allowed to our house; every other "friend" and family member is too much of a threat I guess. They spend literally every weekend together, working on cars, going to the track, just hanging out. They grew up together all the time. I am pretty broken up also because he is also like my family--after all, he's been a part of my life for the past 17 years. But, I can not imagine how he is going to handle this. He called me as I was sitting in the traffic caused by the accident that resulted in his death and told me he was going to Kevin's parents house. He doesn't sound too upset, just really tired, but I have never seen this man break down before, not even when his father died. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking this is going to be much worse. I feel so bad for him; for my children, who at their young ages have lost another close family member; for his parents, his children, the rest of the family. But most of all, I'm sad that the kids and I are sitting here like we don't matter, while he is with his family at this terrible time. Is that selfish?
This is his cousin who is more like a brother to him. This is one of only two individuals in his family that has ever been allowed to our house; every other "friend" and family member is too much of a threat I guess. They spend literally every weekend together, working on cars, going to the track, just hanging out. They grew up together all the time. I am pretty broken up also because he is also like my family--after all, he's been a part of my life for the past 17 years. But, I can not imagine how he is going to handle this. He called me as I was sitting in the traffic caused by the accident that resulted in his death and told me he was going to Kevin's parents house. He doesn't sound too upset, just really tired, but I have never seen this man break down before, not even when his father died. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking this is going to be much worse. I feel so bad for him; for my children, who at their young ages have lost another close family member; for his parents, his children, the rest of the family. But most of all, I'm sad that the kids and I are sitting here like we don't matter, while he is with his family at this terrible time. Is that selfish?
I'm sorry for your loss.
I agree that he needs to be with his family at this time, and that he should be cut some slack. But you also said that you are broken up because he feels like part of your family too. My point was not that his world should revolve around you (it shouldn't, especially when he's grieving), but I don't see why, if he were a healthy partner, he wouldn't recognise your pain as well and include you in the grieving. As his wife, you ARE a part of his family.
However, this doesn't make your feelings invalid. You asked if you are being selfish. And what I say is that when grieving, EVERYONE is selfish to some degree. And that's perfectly ok. Grief makes us all turn inward because we suddenly become acutely aware of how we feel. And all sorts of thoughts will run through our heads. Sometimes they are rational and sometimes not.
The point I'm trying to make is this, this whole situation is very fresh, and you have been treated with a great deal of disrespect over a long period of time, so feeling the way you do is quite normal given your history. However, before you go beating yourself up for having selfish thoughts, remember that everyone has selfish thoughts and that doesn't make us bad people. It's what we do with those thoughts that determines whether or not we are truly selfish or just having a moment.
I'm truly sorry this loss has happened to your family. I hope that your husband will be able to recognize that you and your children are grieving as well.
I didn't get it, wouldn't you want the support of your wife when you are feeling such grief. In his case, it was mixed emotions I'm sure. His father was abusive to him, but tried late in his life, to make up for it, even though he never admitted it.
My ex was determined to be alone. Nothing an abuser does makes much sense. My in-laws were part of my life for 35 years....yet, he couldn't reach outside himself to see that my son and I might be hurting too. He didn't have to comfort us, just connect.
And I think that's where you're coming from. That he's cutting the connection, cutting your ability to support him. That he has no understanding of the fact that he's not the only one who grieves.
It's symptomatic of his narcissism, his inability to empathize with anyone. Most of us do that without thinking, without effort. These people cannot.
I stopped being offended, or feeling selfish. I just realized more and more, that he was incapable of caring about anyone but himself.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad your kids are with you....This will be a hard time for you. When all was said and done, when both my ex's parents were gone, the abuse ramped up to become unbearable, and I was moved out 6 months later.
Big hugs to you...
There can be no judgements about feelings.
Typically, when we're in an abusive relationship,
we ---- the target of the abuse --- spend lots of time
examining and turning over and over, whether
we're guilty of something, responsible for something,
being selfish about something.
The abuser spends precious little --- if any time
examining and turning over and over
ANYTHING.
They appear to feel
entitled to all and every
feeling and behavior,
never mind that they're
regularly controlling,
bullying and abusing
others.
My opinion is
stop beating beating yourself up.
Your feelings are not open
to judgement.
Take good care of yourself.