Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
(posted twice, because i deleted the first time without anyone having a chance to even respond)
Hello. I´m new to this site. This is very long, but if someone more experienced than me would take a look at this list i made and tell me their outside opinion on if my relationship is healthy or not. I am asking because someone recently told me my partner was abusive, and i guess i just want someone else opinion. I´m an 18 year old girl btw, for your information.
Short background:
We met online in a bdsm forum when we were both 15. We were in an online relationship for almost 2 years, boyfriend and girlfriend most of the time. I broke up with him twice but never committed to it. He visited me in my country when i was 16, and we saw each other irl for the first time. After that things got tumultuous in our relationship. Our families didn´t approve of us, i started self harming again. He broke up with me, said i needed to get myself back together.
Half a year later we are still together, not as boyfriend and girlfriend but we still talk several times a week and we´re planning to meet up again. Our relationship right now is more bdsm-ish, I call him "Sir" instead of his name.
Reasons/proof he is good
He has a dog
He loves/cares for his family
He calls me sweet things like cute little bunny, etc
He would never hit me or anything like that
If i said no during sex he would stop, i know that
He wants to see me healthy and strong
He has tried to help me many many times
He traveled to my country so we could see each other
He held my hand, he kissed me, he hugged me
He is funny
He is kind
I love him
I adore him
He is beautiful
He is caring
He is intelligent
He is gifted
He is special
He is strong
He is creative
I love him so so so so much
Reasons/proof he is bad
He has all of my passwords, he used to check them every day and if there was something he didn´t approve of (like me watching buzzed videos) he´d get angry. He doesn´t check it often anymore, but i´m pretty sure he´s constantly logged in to my instagram.
We are not in a relationship, but he says it is cheating if i am friends with/close with another man it is cheating. When i asked him why he replied ”that i don´t understand things” ??
He has a manta for me he tells me to repeat over and over. ”i´m small, i´m dumb, i´m hot, and i don´t understand anything”
He likes it when i call him God and tells me my only purpose in life is to be below him
We do long distance bdsm, but we don´t have a safe word and no aftercare, idk i that´s bad or not though
When i say no to cybersex (i imagine irl too) he replies with ”okay, i understand, but you need to learn to have no privacy if you want to be useful to me. You do want to be useful right, bunny?” i end up doing it anyways
When we have cybersex he never shows himself, doesn´t send a single picture even of his face
When we had sex for the first time we never agreed it would be ”rough” sex. I was 16 and a virgin. He got up in the middle of sex to throw a glass of ice cold water at me, he grabbed my face and slapped it, he choked me, threw me onto the bed and called me a whore. Before he started having sex i was crying violently because i had just tried breaking up with him.
He videotapes my consent, idk if that is bad though. Like basically he says he needs to film me saying yes in case i ever turned on him??? i´d never...
In the past, he has told me over and over that my friends are bad. He has even blocked them from my account. They got tired of it, and now i don´t have friends anymore. :(
My therapist said he was bad for me and so did my friends
He says i have borderline so that´s why i act crazy and delusional and need him to keep me in check. Even though 3 (3!!) medical professionals have said i do not have borderline??????????
If i cry during cybersex sessions he never asks i i´m okay. He tells me i´m turned on by my own tears…….no
He calls me things like ”cunt whore rag doll bitch slut” during sex which is hot, but i don´t like it when he calls me it outside of sex like ”worship me forever bitch also send Sir a selfie”
He says i should strive to not think any thoughts. He says i´m dumb and that that´s a good thing, that i don´t understand anything
He says i´m crazy and that on the outside i may hate this but on the inside i need and crave his leadership
Tells me that i´m the bad unstable one, that i´m the abuser
Tells me the reason my therapist, friends etc said he was abusive was because i twisted the truth because i´m sick and i love feeling like a victim. I believe him on this one….
Calls other girls whores etc, did not accept i was a feminist so now i am not anymore and i call girls whores too
Made me stop taking antidepressants without telling anyone, the withdrawal was horrible, saying the pills were bad and would make me a hairy fat man
Reasons/proof that I am the bad one!!!
Cheated on him TWICE (admittedly, still while we were in an online only relationship and i was 15 and sexted some other men, but it´s still bad!!!!)
I lie a lot
I was and am often jealous of him
In the past i sent a message to his past crush saying ”die you whore”
I told him i would kill myself or become a trainwreck if he left me
When he broke up with me i cut my whole legs up and showed him the cuts
Probably many more things that i cannot realize because i am the abuser???
Help. Give me your non biased opinion, please?
He has been raised to think women must be subdued. Where and how do you think he got the money to visit with out an adult paying and approving? So he may be sharing what you have already sent. There's good money in that profession.
Next, this is not a relationship. He is getting more from you that you get(abusers will say anything nice to get you where they want)
As for him having your passwords and access....change all those setting now. If he has them so does anyone he lets use them. * cyber sex without a face you know? Maybe because you don't know the person he gave the access to.
Your therapist and real friends are on your side, listen to them. They aren't afraid to look you in the eye and tell you this is scary and controlling behavior of a social network predator.
1. useful: :capable of being put to use; especially :serviceable for an end or purpose
2 :of a valuable or productive kind
Addressing for a moment your own concerns about yourself, you are very young, and you were very young when you started delving into this world. People make mistakes, they experiment, they live and learn. I firmly believe that your behaviors are a direct result of trying to mold yourself into the person he wants you to be. That's not how bdsm is supposed to work. Much like a "regular' relationship, you should naturally meld, rather than having to change for him. Your self injury is, I am confident, a maladaptive coping mechanism you have developed throughout this relationship, providing you physical relief from psychological pain. If he was a semi-decent dominant, he would be encouraging you to find healthier coping mechanisms, continue taking your medication, be open and honest with your therapist, and be the best person you can be. Instead, he's tearing you down. Even breaking up with you is an act of manipulation-it makes you want him, want to be better for him, be who he wants you to be so that he'll love you and want you back. I really hate to say this, but the "I can't live without you/I'll hurt or kill myself if you leave me" thing...it's not atypical behavior of a teenaged girl with depression. I would ask your therapist about codependence as well. He's been training you for several years.
It really, REALLY concerns me that 1) he's a dick when you don't want to have cybersex, 2) he never shows himself (I agree with the other woman who responded that he is very likely giving someone or several someones access to your cyber sessions) and, most of all, 3) you break down and do it anyway. I am absolutely convinced, even though I know that you are not, that the same thing would happen in person. If you said no, he would manipulate you into feeling bad about it and making you responsible for his sexual satisfaction. Hear me when I say this: YOU ARE NOT.
Further, it's ny rough evaluation that he likely has either narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder. The key difference between the two is the success rate.
My recommendation is that you 1) change all of your account passwords immediately. 2) Get out of this relationship. If you don't think you can tell him you need to move on without him making you feel bad, it's not against anyone's rules to just ghost his ass-he is the reason that technique was invented. 3) Stay very far away from him. Don't answer his calls, in fact, change your number. Block him on all social media. Be done. I am Very well aware that it's not easy. But it IS necessary for your mental and emotional health and stability. 4) Reconnect with your friends. They miss you. 5) Get back on your meds. 6) Continue to see your therapist.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and I sincerely hope you do well for yourself, for yourself.
I have a new mantra for you: I am strong. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am worthy.
Good luck to you. Let us know if you need anything.
Second: What he's doing to you is abusive!!
Third: You're not ONLY allowing this abuse and disrespect BUT,by allowing it,you're disrespecting(and abusing) yourself!!
Fourth: You don't deserve this,don't need this,and(I'm sure(even if it's deep down))don't want this! You deserve and need better! How do I know this? Because,first off,no human being deserves to be abused and ,2nd, it's pt. of my belief system. This is pt. of what I believe about myself: that I'm a sacred,beautiful,and precious gift of love from on high. That NO MATTER what happens to me(and who hurts, discards,etc. me) my H.P. NEVER WILL!!! I will ALWAYS be loved,wanted,and cherished by my H.P.. I will,also,ALWAYS have a home of un conditional love(and acceptance) with my H.P.. I believe this about you too. You'll ALWAYS have a home(and a loving,warm,and genuine embrace) waiting for you with your own H.P.. ALWAYS!!
P.S.: H.P- Higher Power