Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am so confused. I met my bf a year and a half ago. He was wonderful. We had the time of our lives. We dated for 10 months. I was coming into some money and wanted to buy myself a condo. He said we should live together and buy a home. We were happy so why not. Our families (all grown) loved each other. It was perfect. So I thought.
He talked about past experiences with me. I knew he had a major drug problem many many years ago. His mother told me what a wonderful son he was to her. He had lots of friends.
So we bought a home that I paid a lot of cash for and we split the remaining mortgage and owned 50-50. I did a contract for my money so I was protected.
Here is where I lost my mind. And I will list stuff and apologize in advance if I skip around. I'm so confused right now.
1) I suggested at our age we get life insurance to protect the surviving partner to pay mortgage after we bought. Mind you I'm with him now a year at this point. I bought mine. Why I ask haven't you. His response was I have Hep C. Seriously didn't tell me before we were intimate!!! I know it isn't easy to get, but got tested a million times already. UGH
2) He would buy me flowers when we moved in. I would make him dinner do his laundry and clean the house. He would always comment that what I made wasn't what he liked If it were potato he wanted cheese, etc. See how that confuses me. Flowers and not good enough.
3) I am a very clean person. I take pride in myself and my home. I clean when it doesn't ever take time from us. I am sort of retired and he works. So its done during the day. My nickname became Ms. OCD.As far as I am concerned Pride and OCD are one of the same. But ok....being clean isn't something I am ashamed of.
4) He always answered his phone when we were together. One night someone called. He didn't answer I asked who it was....he responded "my drug dealer". Huh?? This guy called on and off and he never answered. Then I questioned him and his response was...well I do cocaine from time to time. WTF.....and OMG.
5) We were not planning on marrying. Yet he questioned when I spent money and was annoyed that I did. He told me when I went to buy something that I didn't need it. It was my money and I never asked him for a penny. Yet I put out over $120,000 in cash on a home. That was ok.
6) He started mocking my family. Calling my sister a drama queen, my son gay (he isn't...hes married).
7) He told everyone our personal business. I can hear him at times talking to his mother and she would question what I cooked for him...were we getting along, blah blah
8) He was a drunk. He almost killed me one night when he insisted and fought me to drive. (my lack of judgment) I let him. He parked the car. I got out and he never put it in park. Started rolling backwards and almost hit me. He got out and fell. That's when the bad cursing at me started. Called me fat Bit*h....and so on.
9) Was cold....no compassion.
10) Made me feel like I couldn't have an opinion. His buddy came by one early afternoon. My bf wasn't home. To have a couple of beers. I was in a t shirt no bra and pj pants. When my bf came home I told him I was uncomfortable with him just dropping in when he wasn't home. Especially since I wasn't dress. He told me I was ridiculous. Im not telling my friends they cant come over. As it turns out all his friends are using one drug or another.
11) He always wanted parties here. I did all the work. He would mock me saying look at her...she loves catering to me. At first I felt he was proud....but then realized he thought I was some idiot.
I can keep listing things. But you get the point. I fought back at him. I would react to his actions and either cry or try and make him see how it hurt me. Didn't get me far.
In a nutshell I just threw him out three weeks ago. I was on the phone with my son (battled a drug issue..so you can see why I am so against wanting to live with a sometime user). My son just left his rehab and was homeless. Asked me to stay the night. I knew my BF would have a fit. I told him no. It broke my heart. Hes my son. I was crying when I hung up. BF proceeded to walk by me and go play his guitar. (he had a daughter who used and he should know the pain) Anyway...when he came upstairs I said...can't you just show some compassion? His exact words...you are turning this on me?? You F'ing B.... You fat b....
blah blah. I called him a nasty drunk. He threw a wooden tray at me and sliced my finger. I texted his daughters to get him out or I would have him arrested. He left. Next day I filed a protective order. He brought his entire family here and took whatever they wanted.
So now I am left being a jerk because I bought this home....he is on my deed. He isn't paying the mortgage and wont respond to my attorney. I now have to fight and pay thousands to get my home back.
And the sick part is I miss him and the good times we had. I'm depressed. Doctor put me on meds to help with depression. Not working....I shake all day. I'm hurt and I don't know what happened or why. Where did it go wrong. What did I do? I am trying to take care of myself. My friends and family have been amazing. BTW my son is here and he has been so wonderful to me....how someone can make you feel like you have to chose one or the other. It would never be a man over my kids.
Why do I feel so crazy and confused. Wonderful vacations, flowers, fun....and now this.
He talked about past experiences with me. I knew he had a major drug problem many many years ago. His mother told me what a wonderful son he was to her. He had lots of friends.
So we bought a home that I paid a lot of cash for and we split the remaining mortgage and owned 50-50. I did a contract for my money so I was protected.
Here is where I lost my mind. And I will list stuff and apologize in advance if I skip around. I'm so confused right now.
1) I suggested at our age we get life insurance to protect the surviving partner to pay mortgage after we bought. Mind you I'm with him now a year at this point. I bought mine. Why I ask haven't you. His response was I have Hep C. Seriously didn't tell me before we were intimate!!! I know it isn't easy to get, but got tested a million times already. UGH
2) He would buy me flowers when we moved in. I would make him dinner do his laundry and clean the house. He would always comment that what I made wasn't what he liked If it were potato he wanted cheese, etc. See how that confuses me. Flowers and not good enough.
3) I am a very clean person. I take pride in myself and my home. I clean when it doesn't ever take time from us. I am sort of retired and he works. So its done during the day. My nickname became Ms. OCD.As far as I am concerned Pride and OCD are one of the same. But ok....being clean isn't something I am ashamed of.
4) He always answered his phone when we were together. One night someone called. He didn't answer I asked who it was....he responded "my drug dealer". Huh?? This guy called on and off and he never answered. Then I questioned him and his response was...well I do cocaine from time to time. WTF.....and OMG.
5) We were not planning on marrying. Yet he questioned when I spent money and was annoyed that I did. He told me when I went to buy something that I didn't need it. It was my money and I never asked him for a penny. Yet I put out over $120,000 in cash on a home. That was ok.
6) He started mocking my family. Calling my sister a drama queen, my son gay (he isn't...hes married).
7) He told everyone our personal business. I can hear him at times talking to his mother and she would question what I cooked for him...were we getting along, blah blah
8) He was a drunk. He almost killed me one night when he insisted and fought me to drive. (my lack of judgment) I let him. He parked the car. I got out and he never put it in park. Started rolling backwards and almost hit me. He got out and fell. That's when the bad cursing at me started. Called me fat Bit*h....and so on.
9) Was cold....no compassion.
10) Made me feel like I couldn't have an opinion. His buddy came by one early afternoon. My bf wasn't home. To have a couple of beers. I was in a t shirt no bra and pj pants. When my bf came home I told him I was uncomfortable with him just dropping in when he wasn't home. Especially since I wasn't dress. He told me I was ridiculous. Im not telling my friends they cant come over. As it turns out all his friends are using one drug or another.
11) He always wanted parties here. I did all the work. He would mock me saying look at her...she loves catering to me. At first I felt he was proud....but then realized he thought I was some idiot.
I can keep listing things. But you get the point. I fought back at him. I would react to his actions and either cry or try and make him see how it hurt me. Didn't get me far.
In a nutshell I just threw him out three weeks ago. I was on the phone with my son (battled a drug issue..so you can see why I am so against wanting to live with a sometime user). My son just left his rehab and was homeless. Asked me to stay the night. I knew my BF would have a fit. I told him no. It broke my heart. Hes my son. I was crying when I hung up. BF proceeded to walk by me and go play his guitar. (he had a daughter who used and he should know the pain) Anyway...when he came upstairs I said...can't you just show some compassion? His exact words...you are turning this on me?? You F'ing B.... You fat b....
blah blah. I called him a nasty drunk. He threw a wooden tray at me and sliced my finger. I texted his daughters to get him out or I would have him arrested. He left. Next day I filed a protective order. He brought his entire family here and took whatever they wanted.
So now I am left being a jerk because I bought this home....he is on my deed. He isn't paying the mortgage and wont respond to my attorney. I now have to fight and pay thousands to get my home back.
And the sick part is I miss him and the good times we had. I'm depressed. Doctor put me on meds to help with depression. Not working....I shake all day. I'm hurt and I don't know what happened or why. Where did it go wrong. What did I do? I am trying to take care of myself. My friends and family have been amazing. BTW my son is here and he has been so wonderful to me....how someone can make you feel like you have to chose one or the other. It would never be a man over my kids.
Why do I feel so crazy and confused. Wonderful vacations, flowers, fun....and now this.
I want to deal with your last comment first - if they can hide it, why can't they change it? Well, mostly because they don't want to. They know what they have to do to hook a victim, but that's not how they are or how they want to be - it's hard work. Once hooked, they can relax and be who they truly are.
Next, you ask "What did I do?" You did nothing. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, you didn't cause him to treat you like that, you didn't "make" him treat you like that. His actions are on him, not you. You are NOT a jerk, you are not stupid or crazy, you were taken in by a skilled liar. That's all. He lied to you from the get go, and you had no reason to disbelieve him.
Please, don't beat yourself up for his actions. Go easy on yourself, take REALLY good care of yourself, and leave the blame for his actions where it belongs.
You are well rid of his using and abusing a**.
The one thing that really sticks in my gut that I have never experienced was this...
He was the most ungrateful person I ever met. I bought him gifts...he would tell me he didn't like them. He would open a gift and say oh...that's not something I would use. Meanwhile he was mentioning to his buddy before that...that he needed it. Or he would tell me let me hold onto it and I'll think about if I want to keep it. Then it would sit for 6 months. I planed a huge party for him for his bday. His mom told him...look what this girl does for you. His response to me is you are an idiot for doing this. Why couldn't you just do something else. Waste of money. So I cancelled it.
At our ages I still think we are still attractive people. We would go out and he would almost break his neck staring at other women until they made eye to eye contact and smile at each other. It was humiliating as I was sitting right next to him. He would tell me to gain confidence in myself. Months later if we argued he would tell me he changed enough for me...he no longer stares at other women and that I give him no credit for the changes he is making. Seriously??? Aren't these just a given in a committed relationship?
Now how do I deal with this type of guy to get him to sign off and allow me to put the house on the market without spending about $10,000 in legal fees? Already wrote him a business like email....had an attorney write him asking to settle amicably thru him. No response. He didn't even show up in court for the protective order hearing. Any suggestions?
going through this.
Nothing about this
was you.
You wrote:
Its hard not to keep taking the blame. Not sure why I am doing that.
In most cases, when we
accept responsibility for
the dysfunctional behaviors
of others, it has to do with
what went on when we
were growing up in our
family of origin. I don't
know if that's the answer
in your case, but if you
were typically criticized
and told you were to
blame for everything
that went wrong when
you were growing up,
that would be an
important clue.
As to what to do now. . . .
I'm afraid that that now
falls into the category
of legal maneuvering.
You can see by his
actions that he's not
going to voluntarily
relinquish what isn't
rightfully his. He's a
USER and he's
delighted to have
gotten something
for nothing. It's
highly improbable
that he will hand
it back with a smile,
just like that.
The fact that he's now
out of your house and
hopefully soon, fully
out of your life will
take some recovery
for you but truly. . . .
things could have
ended much, much
worse.
To be able to clearly
see him for what he
is, I suggest that you
try doing my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise. I'll bump it
for you. There are
many times when
this exercise could
be helpful, and this
moment is certainly
one of them.
Also, I'd suggest that
you consider finding
and working with a
counselor qualified
in recovery from abuse.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
recovery and
healing.
Back to therapy I go. Think I will never be able to find and be in a healthy relationship. I thought I spent enough time working on me and was ready. Guess not
And please
don't give up.
Healing is possible.
But, while I'm no expert (maybe one can correct me here if im wrong) and, God have mercy on me, am still in the stupid throes of hoping he'll realize "she's" not a replacement for me -"the one he really loves"- something I'm starting to understand about those of us who are abused is that - We're kind hearted, generous, fair-minded and trusting at our core. So, no matter the work we do to become emotionally healthy, if we don't learn self defense (i.e. add some skepticism to our observations) we will remain the ideal prey for these predators. I'm convinced that they sniff out the sweet aroma of an easy going (read - barriers easy to violate) partner 900 miles away.
Re your house situation - the kind hearted fair and trusting core created this dilemma - get a smart attorney who knows how to work the system to get him off you deed for as much money as he contributed to buying it.