Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm 19 and I guess I'm not quite sure if I qualify to call myself a victim. I see some peoples stories and sympathise but know my situation is not like that.
I have been with my boyfriend for over three years and he is a heavy cannabis user and refuses to ever quit because he likes it. I knew this when I started dating him and I was 16 and vulnerable. He is 5 years old than me and at first we were so in love and so happy.
But he cheated on me, I found out a year after the incident but I guess I was so stupid and wanted to be with him I decided to stay with him only if he agreed to conditions which involve not going out to clubs etc. He does do what I want in the sense that he won't do things to upset me like hang out with girls because I'm still very insecure and don't trust him fully yet.
Anyway, before I found out he cheated we used to argue and he'd say stuff like "how do I get rid of you? if I cheat on you will you leave? please leave" in a harsh way, little did I know he had cheated on me and it was all just to control me.
For two years or so now he has been verbally abusive. I get called everything from a c**t, to a f***ing idiot, moron, b*tch, sl*t etc. It hurts so much. Sometimes he says things like "no one will ever love you" or "you don't know how to be happy or make someone happy".
But for the past year now in arguments he'll push me or hold me in a way that hurts. He hasn't actually hit me so in his head he's not abusing me. Recently, at a party, he walked in on me in a room with a guy he didn't trust (I was on the phone to my friend at the opposite side and he'd just walked in to look for his girlfriend) and he stormed out. I went after him and he screamed at me and when some people asked if I was ok he came running full speed towards me and threw me into a wall. The bruises on my leg still hurt three weeks later and it was very painful. Eventually we got a cab together and went to mine but he was still furious (and drunk) and he pushed my head back into a wall so I got a nice big bump! but soon after he calmed and in the morning we just got on with it and he apologised for hurting me. Other times he's thrown me down onto the floor, grabbed me hard so I bruise and other such.
I know it's so unhealthy but for some reason I can't leave. Help me.
I just need to speak to someone who has experienced something similar because I'm too scared to tell my friends and noone knows of this.
I have been with my boyfriend for over three years and he is a heavy cannabis user and refuses to ever quit because he likes it. I knew this when I started dating him and I was 16 and vulnerable. He is 5 years old than me and at first we were so in love and so happy.
But he cheated on me, I found out a year after the incident but I guess I was so stupid and wanted to be with him I decided to stay with him only if he agreed to conditions which involve not going out to clubs etc. He does do what I want in the sense that he won't do things to upset me like hang out with girls because I'm still very insecure and don't trust him fully yet.
Anyway, before I found out he cheated we used to argue and he'd say stuff like "how do I get rid of you? if I cheat on you will you leave? please leave" in a harsh way, little did I know he had cheated on me and it was all just to control me.
For two years or so now he has been verbally abusive. I get called everything from a c**t, to a f***ing idiot, moron, b*tch, sl*t etc. It hurts so much. Sometimes he says things like "no one will ever love you" or "you don't know how to be happy or make someone happy".
But for the past year now in arguments he'll push me or hold me in a way that hurts. He hasn't actually hit me so in his head he's not abusing me. Recently, at a party, he walked in on me in a room with a guy he didn't trust (I was on the phone to my friend at the opposite side and he'd just walked in to look for his girlfriend) and he stormed out. I went after him and he screamed at me and when some people asked if I was ok he came running full speed towards me and threw me into a wall. The bruises on my leg still hurt three weeks later and it was very painful. Eventually we got a cab together and went to mine but he was still furious (and drunk) and he pushed my head back into a wall so I got a nice big bump! but soon after he calmed and in the morning we just got on with it and he apologised for hurting me. Other times he's thrown me down onto the floor, grabbed me hard so I bruise and other such.
I know it's so unhealthy but for some reason I can't leave. Help me.
I just need to speak to someone who has experienced something similar because I'm too scared to tell my friends and noone knows of this.
I have stayed with him through the years (we have kids together, which is no excuse, but it is what it is), and he scares the living daylights out of me to be honest. The physical violence has lessened, but the emotional/verbal/financial/sexual has only gotten worse over the years. This is truly what is in store for you if you continue to stay with this man. And by the way, if he claims the cannabis is the cause of his abuse and promises to stop--it isn't. An abuser is an abuser with or without substances; the substance just gives him something he can use as an excuse--mine stopped drinking and he only got worse, so beware.
You are worth so much more than this! Your suspicion that something is not right is spot on. You are so much stronger and smarter than I was at your age--kudos to you for having the good sense to seek out validation and support. Telling friends or family is tough, but believe it or not they probably already suspect something is up anyway. Mine did; they recognized the change in me and have always been there to support me since. (They hate him which is awkward and they are frustrated with me for leaving and coming back so many times for so long--nearly 18 years, but they are still a lifeline!) Please keep posting and take care of yourself! Welcome to the forum and hugs!!
You are such a smart girl judging by what you have written here! In his head, yes, he has an image of himself as a non-abusive person. But you are absolutely right that everything he does in reality is to beat you down and CONTROL you. That feeling you have of not being able to leave: he created that by eroding your self esteem bit by bit.
Do you live with him or somewhere else? Can you tell us a bit more about your practical situation? That will help us help you even more. But please write as much as you like, whenever you like, on this forum! We are all here to support each other, and the people here are wonderful, and will understand your circumstances.
Welcome hugs and please tell us more if you can xx
Please don't compare your situation to others'. Two reasons. The main one is that there is no such thing as "worse" abuse or "better" abuse. Abuse is wrong, hurtful and potentially deadly. Period. Second reason not to compare is that we pretty much all minimise what we are going through or have endured (it's a self-preservation mechanism) so the perception is likely to be off anyway. I have lost track of the number of times I have read someone's story on here and thought "wow, how did they endure that - SO glad my situation wasn't that bad" only to later find out they read my story and thought the very same thing about me.
What you have described is horrible physical and mental/verbal abuse, together with sexual abuse. And there may well be other forms too.
Please contact your local women's shelter and tell them you are being abused. They can give u information, work on an escape plan with you, only if u want to, don't worry no one will force you to do anything u don't want to, so if you are wanting help, and I think your right u do need support sweetheart, then it would be the best place to go and be able to receive the support you really need.
Abuse is a cycle and its hard to break away from but by no means impossible, so support is something that really is a positive in these situations, please contact them and be honest, they are there for that very reason
Plus keep posting here, you'll receive support in the group
X
Ps, I don't mind the word victim, when I was going through abuse I was a victim because I was being victimised, it wasn't my shame it was his and it didn't mean I was weak and not strong it meant he was a bully and ugly, now that I am abuse free I'm a survivor because I'm no longer victimised, both victims and survivors are incredibly strong because to muddle through it and come out at the other end is incredibly courageous!
I don't have more than
one minute right now,
and will return for a
longer response in a
little bit.
But. . . . yes. . . .
you are the
victim of abuse. . .
both emotional
AND physical.
Please get connected
with your nearest
women's aide centre
RIGHT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
danielle -----
You are being abused.
You have been
sexually (his cheating),
emotionally
and physically abused.
For as long as you stay
in this relationship, you
will be abused.
Leaving is never easy
and sometimes
it can be dangerous.
But it IS possible to leave.
Many of us have left
and moved on to
lifes that are both
free of abuse
and much happier
and healthier.
Please find the
resources in your area
that are there and set up
to help you sort things
through, and to get out,
if that's what you
decide to do.
Pleasee connect yourself
with those people. Your
life can be better, but it
won't be, until you take
the steps to get yourself
there.
Sending you hugs and
healing prayers. Please
TAKE GOOD CARE of YOURSELF!!!!!!!!
I'm not living with him, no. I'm at university 200 miles from him at the moment, but when I am back I am with my parents. I come from a very advert like family with a mum and dad and a perfect dog! So I am safe in that sense and don't see him too much. I just can't escape, there's something stopping me from leaving and turning my back for good.
Today I saw him and everything was fine, I actually had a really nice day. Of course, that doesn't make up for anything and it never will and I know the smart and right thing to do is leave but I just can't.
Nothing's keeping me to him, but I'm scared I won't have anyone else. I feel like I only have a few friends, very good ones at that, but they don't know anything and the thought of being with another person and trusting them hurts me but I love having someone to love. I love the intimacy, the talking, the hugs, the kisses and the good times and I want that with a new person, but I don't want to take my issues and baggage I've collected from him and make someone else miserable.
You guys are amazing!