Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm still in denial. I'm currently looking for a therapist because I don't think i'm going to fully get over this on my own. I read up as much as I can and have breakthrough moments where I recognize things he's done and feel like everything falls into place, like I have a reason to feel so bad. But after a while it fades, and i find myself starting to doubt whether he really did do those things or whether I'm misunderstanding because the abuse was so covert. On my bad days I'll even twist the signs of abuse around to describe me and confirm all the times he made me out to be abusive. I feel like i need this validation in order to move on.
At the moment my self worth is so low after how invaluable he made me out to be. If he was downright nasty I could believe in my judgement a bit more but he was just so indifferent. It was like i wasn't even worth the effort it took to be nasty to. I can't get the idea out of my head that maybe he genuinely wasn't interested and was for some reason to scared to break it off. Little things like him never holding my hand or paying much attention to me in public and how one sided the relationship after the initial period have made me feel like he was ashamed to be seen with me and didn't really ever want me. This added with his increased attention of other girls has really just ruined my self esteem. I always think "if only i was prettier, or dressed nicer, or didn't jump in so quickly and was a challenge for him when he came back.. maybe things would be different.. after all he never hit me.. he just didn't care". Even his lack of reply after i broke it off telling him i wouldn't be used for sex got to me.. although he didn't owe me a reply, it still hurt because i felt like i wasn't even worth a reply. I wish i knew for certain he would have been the same no matter what but it's always in the back of my mind that he'll meet a beautiful more confident girl and treat her the way i always wanted to be treated.
Any supportive comments appreciated x
At the moment my self worth is so low after how invaluable he made me out to be. If he was downright nasty I could believe in my judgement a bit more but he was just so indifferent. It was like i wasn't even worth the effort it took to be nasty to. I can't get the idea out of my head that maybe he genuinely wasn't interested and was for some reason to scared to break it off. Little things like him never holding my hand or paying much attention to me in public and how one sided the relationship after the initial period have made me feel like he was ashamed to be seen with me and didn't really ever want me. This added with his increased attention of other girls has really just ruined my self esteem. I always think "if only i was prettier, or dressed nicer, or didn't jump in so quickly and was a challenge for him when he came back.. maybe things would be different.. after all he never hit me.. he just didn't care". Even his lack of reply after i broke it off telling him i wouldn't be used for sex got to me.. although he didn't owe me a reply, it still hurt because i felt like i wasn't even worth a reply. I wish i knew for certain he would have been the same no matter what but it's always in the back of my mind that he'll meet a beautiful more confident girl and treat her the way i always wanted to be treated.
Any supportive comments appreciated x
My point of all this is because the abuse was so subtle, making me feel so inadequate it has me questioning myself even more as to whether or not I was just too sensitive like he said or I was over reacting or taking what he said wrong like he said, but the thing is, I am the only one who questions these things. According to my therapist and everyone on here it is normal to say "What If".
Definitely try to find a counselor or therapist, if you don't like the first one, find another and another until you find one that you are comfortable with. Also, have you tried Illene's Clarifying Index Cards? They definitely work. I still struggle sometimes even with them, but it does help to go back at times like these when you are really self doubting and see the things he said/did to make you feel bad.
Stay strong, sending you strength and encouragement!!!
I HIGHLY recommend you call thehotline.org and talk to someone! That's where I started, and they were able to let me know that I was being abused, and gave me contacts to local resources. If you are being abused and you get a therapist make SURE they know about abuse! MOST DO NOT.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Here are my thoughts:
You wrote:
it's always in the back of my mind that he'll meet a beautiful more confident girl
Well. . . . he may meet a beautiful,
more confident woman than you.
And when he does, she'll cough
him out like a case of bad food
poisoning.
I urge you to get some couseling
that will help you learn how to
build your self-worth and your
confidence.
Predators hunt for women
with low self-confidence
and low self-regard. This
is because a predator
knows that a partner
with a low level of
confidence and
lack of self-regard
is easy pickin's to
maniipulate and
control. Take hold
of your self-belief!
You're a flower on
the stem of the
universe. Love
yourself!!!!!!!!!
Let's say you had inherited a beautiful and valuable top quality diamond ring. You show it to him, he looks at it and shrugs saying "looks like cut glass" and then proceeds to treat it as cut glass. Does the ring change? Does it become cut glass? Of course it doesn't. Its worth is intrinsic, its worth isn't determined by the fact that one person doesn't believe it has value.
The same goes for you. Your worth is intrinsic, it's not determined by the way one man treats you.
There is not a single person on earth who is deserving of abuse and invalidation. Everyone deserves honesty and basic courtesy at the least. And he didn't provide you with that. If he wasn't interested, that's his right but it's also his issue (it doesn't reflect on you at all, only on him). But he should have gently and compassionately told you so.
He neither ended it nor treated you with respect and affection. Quite apart from all the details (and I do understand very much about very covert emotional abuse - my first H was the king of the backhanded compliment; he never said anything mean, but every time he complimented me I felt like shit, which I just KNEW must be my fault because he wasn't being mean, I was just making him out to be. Now, though, with some distance and a lot of counselling, I can see precisely what he was doing - and can see that my father does the very same) ... anyway, quite apart from the details which can be easily twisted around by your or his words, the fact is, he neither ended it nor treated you with respect and affection. There is nothing YOU could have done to make him a better person.
Going back to where I started (sorry it's so wordy), the fact that someone treats a diamond as cut glass, doesn't change the diamond's worth, it only makes a fool of the person who treats it so. The fact that he discounted your value doesn't make you less valuable, it just makes him a fool.
You are not responsible for who he is. You didn't make him who he is, and nobody else will make him someone different. If he changes, that will come from within himself and won't be because he meets a "better" woman.