Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I dunno where to start really, its been something thats been nagging alot at me lately, I know its not always a bad thing putting others first but when I have gone my whole life trying to please other people, putting others needs before my own, I guess its a selfless act but when I give, give, give to people and I do not get anything back I mean like not just gifts but affection, I don't care about not getting gifts at all but when i give alot of my affection to someone and hardly get any in return it can often be pretty upsetting but I just cannot help it, I often think so low of myself so when someone does want to be my friend I often panic out and pretty much change myself to keep them as a friend or to please them, they never ask me to change but after a while I hate that I have changed and it panics me out then because I tend to kinda freak out a little I tend to lose this person as a friend, I'm not a bad person but when you give your all to someone and you don't get anything back it tends to make you feel empty inside I just don't know how to change this behavior of mine, I know alot of this may not make much sense but I just need to get it off my chest really, I just wish I could be myself around people without panicking out and when I do make a mistake in something I have said, or typed or something I have done I just wish I could shrug it off but I can't I punish myself by hitting myself or calling myself names.
I am fed up of how I behave and I know its not normal behavior but does anyone else do this? or can relate?
I am fed up of how I behave and I know its not normal behavior but does anyone else do this? or can relate?
Doing this does tend to make you try to alter who you are in hopes of the response you are looking for but that tends not to work out because its not allowing you to be you.
In the end it's not and never was you, it's the other persons issues that made you feel this way.
If you aren't already, it might help to talk to a counselor to help work on self esteem and self confidence so you can be YOU, and be happy!
Wishing you strength and encouragement! =)
Seeing a counselor or psychologist (they don't prescribe meds) is what you need more than anything. The most important thing to do when choosing a therapist is to find one that specializes in physical/emotional abuse. This is so crucial to a persons success in counseling.
Wishing you tons of strength & encouragement!!! =)
I just finished reading this book from the library: The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself
I absolutely loved this book because it helped me become more aware of what was going on around me. It gave me lots to think about and it was absolutely validating. From now on, I come first and so should you.
And I am finding that I am receiving more, because I am giving to people who respect and appreciate me. I am finding that I can be myself and if someone doesn't like it, that doesn't matter because I have people in my life who DO like it. And better than that, the people who like me actually like ME, not just what I can do for them nor how well I can pretend to be someone I think they will like. I have lost friends along the way - but I have also made a few better ones.
How did I change? A lot of help from a wonderful therapist, a lot of help from this site and the friends I have made here, and a lot of hard work. I started simply, by accepting my right to feel my feelings, whatever they were. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, used, joyful, grateful - no matter what, I was entitled to feel my feelings. I accepted them, and then chose what to do with them.
Then, slowly, I started to accept myself. And to start almost tempting those around me to walk away. Some did, those who stayed are closer than ever.
If I can do it, you can too. But it takes a lot of time, soul searching, and significant help.
All the best to you.
The book Codependent No More helped me see patterns in my life and how I was relating to people. I needed people to be my mirrors telling me who I was so it was essential they accepted me so my reflection wasn't hideous as I saw myself through their mirror. I felt like a dog at times wagging my tail asking "did I do good...huh...huh...did I do good?" I was desperate to please this master of needing others to approve me. In my case I had to let go of using other people to be my mirrors. That's really what it came down to. I was using people. I couldn't get the full joy out of helping others because I needed a dividend for my helping to be worthwhile to me. Sometimes a smile, a "thanks" or a "wow you're so thoughtful" was what I needed to fill me that day. Relating to people holding no mirrors has been a scary, but empowering journey.
We should put others before ourselves, but not at the EXPENSE of ourselves. It is a good thing to be gracious enough to step back and allow someone to cut ahead of you in line that is in a hurry. However it is not healthy to allow a family to cut ahead of you in line at the airport making you miss your flight.
Your worth is not determined by your output. Your worth is determined by what is already inside. Think about people in your life who have traits you admire or would like to have. What do they do? Why are they liked? Are they still accepted for saying "no"? Do you accept others for saying "no"? You've taken this heavy burden on your shoulders but you don't have to. You can put it down and just be you. But first you have to know who that is.
HUGS!!!
I can relate.
I've been there
in the past and
still sometimes,
today.
My two suggestions:
The first is to find
a qualified psychologist.
(M.D.s are trained in
phyiscal medicine
which doesn't always
include understanding
how the mind works.)
The second is to
begin a rigorous
practice of
SELF-CARE.
If you're wondering
what this means,
do a search on
this site or on
a bigger search
engine. Basically,
it's anything that
nurtures, nourishes
or maintains your
well-being. When
you make this
wonderful habit,
you'll find you're
feeling and acting
in a much more
balanced way.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
Like the others, this behavior has been my whole life. I am 65 years old and I've been getting a little better about speaking up for myself,
A couple of things have happened recently that have made me crazy. My new Mantra is "that's NOT MY job"
I have missed out on many things in my life because I thought everybody else was more important than me!!!
PLEASE, you are young, please stand up for yourself NOW and don't wait. You are just as important and probably really, more important than the people who take advantage of us.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))