I'm sorry today is tough for you, but well done for coming here for support. I think you know that contacting your ex will only lead to more pain and heartache. When I felt as you do, I also came on here for support. The advice I was given was to post or journal what I'd like to say to my ex, and people would reply to it. Or I would write it in a letter and, I remember my friends and I burned that letter one friday night and let it float up into the universe. Try anything, just don't contact him. If you did, and he answered, there's a really good chance that his reply would be abusive, cruel. That won't make you feel better. Have you completed the clarifying index card exercise? If not, now might be a good time to start it. Even if you don't have cards, use pages out of a notebook to start you off. If you have done it, read the cards, you need to remember what he did to you. These feelings will pass, you just need to get through the pain to the other side. You aren't alone honey, we are all here with you

Come here and vent! That is what the board was created for! We have all been there!

I have my ex blocked (calls and texts) through my service provider. A few weeks ago, I was so tempted to contact him that I tried to remove the block. My internet connection failed. Fine. So I went to use the browser on my phone and my password was denied! Over and over again! Sigh. Fine. So I took out my back up phone (I carry an extra cell in case of emergencies), and the battery was dead!!! I never even use the phone, and ironically it worked just fine the next day... Anyhow, it was as if the whole universe was did not want me to contact my ex. You know what? The urge passed! It took a while... But it did pass, and I am so glad that now I did not call him now.

You did the right thing!

We are here to listen
and to validate.

DON'T CONTACT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days!

You need never to apologize, Joanie,
So happy you vented here instead of calling the ex. Well done.
I do hope you are feeling better and this will pass.
Take good care of yourself and please keep posting. We are all here for you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS,HUGS,HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you posting. That's what I did everytime I felt like taking to him. The one thing I kept thinking about is how right everyone was that said he will just say mean things and you will feel worse. He did each time. So I became very strong because it was so obvious that's what he wanted to do to me. At times I had no choice. We lived in the same house for six months pending out divorce. He did everything he could to hurt me as bad as he could. Until one day...he just couldn't any more!

Be strong

Perhaps I need to block him even though he is no longer contacting me if only to protect myself in these times I panic and my mind obsessed. Or at the least take his number out of my phone. I wish I had a friend I could go visit or call when I am feeling so alone. Perhaps its so hard because I have not even tried to really go out and socialize or date and so the ex has moved on whereas I have not. The most I seem to be able to do is just keep it together and keep from calling, texting or emailing him.

We have all been or are there. What I understand from being in that same place it feeling as if I had nothing, no one, no worth unless my abuser validated me. Once my abuser(s) were no longer around... it took time, many days locked in the house, many posts here, to get up and start living. You are worth it.
Ilene has these card ideas that really helped me realize all the things he did to me and then made me wonder why in the world I was even thinking about him. I will ask her to post it.
I will also post one of my posts that changed everything for me. I told/wrote my abuser everything he ever did to me. I have a couple of abusers, my ex husband being a huge abuser, but I finally stood up to one of them the way I should all of them.

Hi Joanie - I totally started posting here when I wanted to contact my stbx husband. It's way more healthy than contacting him, or eating a box of cookies, or drinking a bottle of wine .... etc etc etc. :-) Mine has also moved on to a new live-in girlfriend, which is hard, even though I really and truly do not want him back.

I have a couple thoughts after reading your post that might help. Though I'm sure that just posting here helped.

1. There's a concept called HALT (I think it started in AA). Hungry/Hurt Angry Lonely Tired. These things make you vulnerable to acting according to old patterns. You had/have a migraine today, so of course you feel vulnerable.

2. You wrote "The most I seem to be able to do is just keep it together and keep from calling, texting or emailing him." I don't know you at all, but I BEG YOUR PARDON. :-) You write that like it's not a very big accomplishment. OH MY GOSH. You are:
a. Keeping it together
b. Managing a migraine
c. Not calling him
d. Not emailing him
e. Not texting him
f. Reaching out for positive support
g. Acknowledging difficult feelings like panic, frustration, maybe a little shame that it's hard to not contact him, sadness, etc.

YOU ARE DOING A LOT TODAY!

3. Finally, maybe this will make you laugh or smile. About a week ago, I wanted to contact my stbx too. After I got through the urges, I realized that - and this made me open my eyes - that I only wanted to contact him (and offer him sex, frankly) because he had been nice to me on the phone earlier in the day. I was trying to reward him for not abusing me!

Anyway, so I wrote about 10 emails, erased each one, wrote another one, etc., for about an hour. Pushed "send" with my finger (was writing on my phone) then carefully slid my finger down the screen so it wouldn't send. THEN I wrote another email and gave my phone to my 10-month-old daughter to play with. "Well, if she hits send by accident, it's not like I actually meant to contact him."

Can you believe me?

It's kind of like freedom's story. Usually when my daughter plays with my phone, she sends all kinds of emails, calls people, deletes apps, you name it. This time, though, her little fingers went everywhere all over the screen except the Send button.

I finally got the hint and took the phone away to delete the email.

Journaling is totally helpful. It might also feel good to read and respond to other people's posts ... it's kind of like turning icky energy into positive.

Starting to ramble - best of luck and hugs.

yes, as Jennifer said...journal. And reply to others posts that you are able to respond to. You will see yourself grow and separate from your situation

Yeah we even try to trick ourselves into contacting them! It is helpful to try and think positively about ourselves - I struggle with the same thing when my way of thinking is that i'm not good enough or worthy of anything better. Stay strong and post if you need to but stick with no contact. Once you contact you will be back at square 1 because thats what I did and it really is taking steps backwards and it does not feel better at all!!

Thanks to everyone for thier support and stories. Knowing others have a hard time with remaining NC at times helps me to not feel so bad. I am somewhat missing therapy as it was a way to release some of my tension and frustrations, even if I had a hard time talking. Now 2 weeks of bottling everything up inside, I am feeling it. Hoping to get in next week and if nothing else give the therapist some of my journeling. Now to get through the holiday weekend, knowing others will have children and significant others to celebrate it with. Holidays are so hard for me alone. OH well.