Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
and advice I see and receive on here is so true, and things that are happening to other people I notice are now happening in my relationship with my abuser. How long did it take most of you to leave? It's been three years and I dont know what it will take for me to leave, I cant stop crying today because while he is hungover and sleeping all day, Im at his house cleaning and hoping he will wake up and be pleased but know he wont even care. Im so tired of this.
Did u already leave at one point? Im trying 2 remember your story. I know Its hard isnt? I broke my no contact and now regret it. We always try 2 please them and they never care. Hav u tried mayb talking 2 him less or seeing him less instead of going full no contact?
It hasn't been easy. I thought he was the person I would marry (that's what he told me). I want to go back to him all the time, I miss him, I feel terrible. I've had to deal with him refusing to leave me alone, making it worse.
The only thing that has helped is the support of my friends and family. I have been able to tell them everything, and they keep me from going back.
It's definitely hard, don't beat yourself up (there are days I think about calling him) - you are strong enough to leave!
make sure you are up to date on your birth control.
you DO NOT want to have a child with your abuser.
life will get much worse.
mine did.
But it is what it is. There were many reasons along the way that I believed I was trapped, unable to get out. Or that I believed it would get better, that I could make it work out. But it never did get better, only worse. And eventually I did get out. But now it's a struggle to recover and get my life back.
I'm in a pretty good place now when it comes to a lot of things. But I still am suffering the effects and consequences of so many years in a toxic relationship. And my kids are too.
So, my advice to you, to everyone here who is wondering if they should stay or go, is to go. If you're here, you're here for a reason. And that reason is that you're in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship that is damaging you. I hope the stories you read, the experiences others share, may help you to gain insight and strength to do what you need to do.
I lost so much through my abusive marriage. I wish I could help every woman like yourself to be spared further pain and hurt. I wish someone had gotten through to me years sooner.
What it takes for each of us to leave it also different.
You are tired of feeling like this, but I'm getting the feeling you are afraid of the unknown. What else will be waiting for you out there if you do decide to leave. Maybe it won't be any better and this is as good as it gets.
IT'S NOT AS GOOD AS IT GETS!!!!!!
I'm sure everyone tells you, you're young, you're beautiful, you're smart, you can do it, but maybe you just need to hear something else? Like recognition for your good deeds. The fact that you are kind enough to clean for him, help him if he needs it, be there to support him, and so on. Very often I find we give what we want.
i hope the day comes soon for you to realize that he will not give you the things you give him & that the longer you stay and baby him, the more he will take advantage of you & respect you less and less. Why? Because he's an asshole. Everyone seems to paint these abusers as this and as that, with these masks and kind sides, but i think everyone needs to remember the first thing we learned as teens. fuck him, he's an asshole. who needs that shit?
All the best babe! The day is coming....you'll be fine :)
xoxo
gogo
It took me a decade with my exh and about four years with my last ex to finally get out and in both cases that was after many breakups and reconciliations. Close to seven each. So much wasted time and my youth. Stop holding onto the hope that anything you do will make a differencr and that he will either grow up or wake up and love and appreciate you. I'm sorry to say it won't happen.
Stop equating approval with love.
Stop equating familiarity with love.
Talk to someone who can help you get a clear head, and then get OUT while you're young and haven't had kids yet.
Here's something else to think about. What sort of sense of obligation and indebtedness is he creating in you and what effect is it having on you?
My exH was a master at making me feel deeply indebted to him. For any little thing he did for me and our kids, he made it feel as though we were an enormous BURDEN and that he was making huge sacrifices that we should be grateful for. It was obvious all the time that he didn't really want to be with us or care for us or do things for us. So everything he did felt awful. I felt guilty and responsible for making him unhappy or costing him in some way (money or time or effort or whatever). Even the kids didn't want to ask him to do anything such as drive them to sports practice or take them out b/c they felt how much he resented doing stuff. My daughter confided in me that she quit soccer b/c she knew how much her dad hated taking her to it. Looking back I know that he was never asked to do anything extraordinary, just the typical things a father and husband might expect to do. Help around house, drive kids some, go to kids' events, go out for dinner or an outing with the family, etc. But it always felt like I was asking too much and didn't deserve his "sacrifices".
Does your boyfriend create this sense in you? Are you being made to feel that you're a burden and undeserving and that you are indebted to him? That can be a huge obstacle in getting free of your abusive situation. So he let you stay there. Doesn't mean he can be abusive. So you owe him money. Pay it back when you're able. He chose to loan it. You owe him money, not your life or your safety or your self-respect or your peace of mind.
Even now I struggle with this sense that I and my kids are a burden on people. Some sensible part of my brain knows it isn't true. But that nagging gut thing is hard to overcome. Last night, I was an hour late getting home from work. My exH would have made me feel like sh*t about it and I would have been feeling awful and scared and guilty. He'd have demanded to know why I was late and he'd have been grumpy about having to make dinner (which probably would have been frozen pizza). And the kids and the house would have been my responsibility for the rest of the night while he went off to play video games. And I would feel like I had to make up for it by scrambling to do stuff.
Instead, I came home to a totally different scene. My boyfriend greeted me at the door and asked if I'd had a really hard day. He didn't act like *he* was the one suffering. He seemed concerned that I had had a tough day. And he had made a nice dinner for us (real food, from scratch), cleaned up the kitchen, and even shovelled the snow from the driveway. Then we relaxed on the couch and watched a TV Christmas special and had a relaxing evening. Instead of making me feel guilty and like I owed him, he made me feel special and like he was happy to be able to do something nice to counteract my long workday. This is what it *should* feel like.
Believe me, I empathize with how trapped you feel there and how hard it is when you owe him and you're depending on him. But there are other options out there. Keep looking. Keep reminding yourself that no matter what he gives you or does for you, a loving partner gives from his heart and a desire to give, not to create obligation and control. By giving to you, he knows he controls you. You don't owe him anything more than the money he loaned you.