Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
im doing my best. no contact. had a dream last night that woke me up at 4:30. it's 9:30 now and im still up. it was so vivid and about shoes of all things. it was about him. shoes..i know it sounds so stupid, i need new ones, my kids need new ones, he always had nice ones and always bought us all nice ones. in my dream, a friend was saying, oh yes..i remember..the guy who always dressed nice with the good shoes right? i said yes and was feeling sad in my dream. then HE came walking up and told me where i could get good shoes for free. then he walked away..i was left holding this card with aphone number and watching him walk away..
i konw its b/c i'm so broke right now that i'm thinking of him. the rents are sooooooo high in this city. i could reduce my rent by at most $400 or $300 but i would have to live in a 2 bedroom place in the middle of the north end where ppl are getting shot in broad daylight. so i struggle. im searching for a 2nd job. im looking and looking and applying like crazy and no one is calling.
i feel like its all his fault, but i also feel like its all my fault for trusting him. i knew better in my heart. i knew i couldnt trust him yet i still fooled myself into thinking i could.
i think i'm getting depressed here. ive been crying for about 4 days now..maybe more..every wknd i have tears, i'm trying to stay strong, i'm trying to do the right thing, i keep saying, i'm doing my best, but am i?
im so alone. my phone never rings. i have no one to talk to. all i have is this board, this forum where i post and wait for someone to respond. i feel nvisible, like no one cares about me, no one helps me or supports me. i dont have good friends. i dont have a boyfriend or a husband. my kids dad is an abusive loser and no thats a different man than the one i refer to here.
im tired...so fn tired..i feel like running away but i have no where to run. i have my kids, but they are getting to be teenage boys and are just hating me these days. i need somene sensitive, kind and caring in my life, but i dont have that at all.
sometimes i feel liek wahts the pont in all of this? whats the point in feeling anything or caring about others when no one cares enough about me to help me? am i suppose to keep asking? im not doing that. im not going to beg,grovel, cry for someone to love me anymore.
i think i'm giving up on life..i see no end...there is no end to this pain, this lonliness and disappointment. i have struggled always and have no energy left.
i dont even care to try to do anything for myself b/c what s the diffference anyway? im just fooling myself thinking i feel better...
i konw its b/c i'm so broke right now that i'm thinking of him. the rents are sooooooo high in this city. i could reduce my rent by at most $400 or $300 but i would have to live in a 2 bedroom place in the middle of the north end where ppl are getting shot in broad daylight. so i struggle. im searching for a 2nd job. im looking and looking and applying like crazy and no one is calling.
i feel like its all his fault, but i also feel like its all my fault for trusting him. i knew better in my heart. i knew i couldnt trust him yet i still fooled myself into thinking i could.
i think i'm getting depressed here. ive been crying for about 4 days now..maybe more..every wknd i have tears, i'm trying to stay strong, i'm trying to do the right thing, i keep saying, i'm doing my best, but am i?
im so alone. my phone never rings. i have no one to talk to. all i have is this board, this forum where i post and wait for someone to respond. i feel nvisible, like no one cares about me, no one helps me or supports me. i dont have good friends. i dont have a boyfriend or a husband. my kids dad is an abusive loser and no thats a different man than the one i refer to here.
im tired...so fn tired..i feel like running away but i have no where to run. i have my kids, but they are getting to be teenage boys and are just hating me these days. i need somene sensitive, kind and caring in my life, but i dont have that at all.
sometimes i feel liek wahts the pont in all of this? whats the point in feeling anything or caring about others when no one cares enough about me to help me? am i suppose to keep asking? im not doing that. im not going to beg,grovel, cry for someone to love me anymore.
i think i'm giving up on life..i see no end...there is no end to this pain, this lonliness and disappointment. i have struggled always and have no energy left.
i dont even care to try to do anything for myself b/c what s the diffference anyway? im just fooling myself thinking i feel better...
I'm so sorry you're in sunk in the blues, right now.
Loved the dream. I've always thought
that there's some link between the way
most women love men and also shoes.
Wouldn't it be great if you could call
the number on that card and
get great shoes free and a
great partner who'll be kind
and caring and wonderful and
also that that number will get
us all the money we need?!?!?!?!?!
Promise you'll share that number with us!
Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.
I did the same-took the rent hit so as not to live in the rough end of town.
so hunkering down in a tiny basement suite (ok, the kitchen cupboards are cute, and it's got a lot of sun!1)..
but the upstairs people smoke, and our whole place smells like cigarettes...
the bills are already mounting...
he's being an ass (as if I could have expected anything different)...
it's just hard.
I guess, just a sympathetic ear....
one thing I do know, and it's helped me in so many instances, is the belief that whatever you are feeling inside, you are magnet for more of that..
so if you are feeling sorry for yourself, you will attract more things to feel sorry about..
imagine that the universe is a really bad, deaf waiter...
you complain that you're lonely, broke, scared...you don't want that..
all he hears is 'lonely, broke, scared' and brings you a big platter of it..
so what to do?
you can't ignore the situation you are in. it's there. the old shoes..the being broke...
you can't deny it..
but what you can do, is to try to look past those things and focus on the little things around you that are good..
it might be your favourite tea cup, or the way the sun hits your living room floor in the morning..
it might be your nose-you have the most beautiful nose you've ever seen..
I try to pivot, every single second that I can. I worry about finding a job-pivot to 'man, I love my jeans..'
I stress about my asshole ex phoning me..pivot to 'I love my white kitchen cabinets..'
whatever you focus on, you attract more of that. more things to be grateful for...
in the morning, and at night before I go to sleep, I try to think of 10 things I am grateful for...big things, little things..I'm grateful for the fact that I'm healthy..that I live in a great country...that my boys still cuddle me...that I have a warm bed to sleep in...
sometimes I fall asleep before I reach 10, and that's a bonus, because I've fallen asleep in gratefulness, and I like to imagine that my subconcious mind is rebooting my brain into permanent positivity..
this way of thinking has worked wonders, and yes, miracles for me..
it's like a muscle that you need to keep flexing, and it gets stronger and stronger all the time...
sometimes (quite a lot of times, all through the day, in fact) I fall off the wagon..
but I always get back on, and keep trying...
I know that right now you feel as if you've hit rock bottom...
just lie down there and breathe..
while you're still alive, there's hope.
((((hugs))))))
I finally got approved for section 8 housing right as I was moving in with my abuser. I let it go after being on the waiting list for three years....sometimes I kick myself for that.
Remember--there are opportunities. Even if the doors seem like they're all closed right now, one will open and things will get better.
Do you collect child support from him? Do you get any kind of social program assistance?
I know that there are many of us in the working class who shy away from applying for help when we need it. It's like we want to prove we can do it all on our own--we don't want to owe anyone anything....but social programs and child support are out there for the children. It's not that easy to qualify, anyway--but if you do qualify, then remember that those programs are there for you and your children. Sometimes people need help, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I was running into a brick wall the other day--remembering what I wanted to become, as a child, and looking at what I am now. It's important to remember that we are potential. We can change our lives and ourselves.
I did an exercise where I drew a picture of what I would ideally want to be like (losing thirty pounds and all). Then I wrote down the ideal mental state, and the successes that I would have in my life--ideally. Then I decided that this is who I want to be and that I'm going to make small steps to move to this goal.
Even though I'm not ideal yet (lol--far from it!) I felt a little better making those plans and thinking of the goals. And at least the planning kept me from dwelling on how off I am from where I want to be.
I totally understand how you feel down, though. I, also, have no idea what to look forward to in love. I was just thinking of the men I've loved in my life. The first one became a heroin addict, and he was just plain rude and sadistic anyway--so it was all for the better that he left with a Japanese singer. The second guy who I fell for was also a complete jerk. He ended up in jail and is probably dead now, for all I know--I should also be glad he broke my heart because I'm better without him. Then, my son's father wasn't especially abusive, but he was in love with this ex-girlfriend, stripper and addicted to porn...and I didn't love him--and could not, for the life of me, make myself love him. Go figure. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with love--but for now I'm going to be happy if I can just lose thirty pounds and start writing again...
You're an intelligent, beautiful, good woman. Doors of Opportunity will open for you--you just have to make sure that you can recognize them, and that you're ready to walk through them.
You are the same age as me and I've struggled with depression and money problems too so I know how hard it is. Maybe a financial adviser would be able to help.
You say ""i need somene sensitive, kind and caring in my life"" but you already have that person...it's you.
All of my relationships have been with emotionally abusive men. I left my husband a year and a half ago after being married for 20 years. I know what you mean... I tried for so many years to be positive, to have hope, to keep trying, keep doing everything, working so hard, wearing myself out til I just couldn't do it anymore, I was mentally, emotionally and physcially exhausted and yet it was never good enough.
Got out of the marriage and within a few months was involved with a man that turned out to be an abusive alcoholic. Of course he was wonderful in the beggining and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Within about 4 months of seeing each other, I was foolish enough to let him move in with me and my daughters in our tiny 2 bedrooms apt, that I was barely scraping by to pay the bills for. All he did was take and expect more and more, and that's when I started to see the abusive side of him and realize he was an alcoholic, and was very, very ugly to me when he was drinking. I put up with him for about 3 months of living here before I kicked him out, then ended up letting him come back for a few weeks because he had no where to go and was homeless. Eventually he got a hotel room to stay in, he had a job, but not a great one, 2 felonies...what a winner right? Then I kept going back and forth with him for several months and had a horrible time breaking away from him permanently. Just recently in the last few weeks have told him no more and cut off the communication, but I'm sure he doesn't believe me, and thinks in time I will be back around. But I'm done now...still have weak moments though, but I can't go back and take more abuse and manipulation.
I am barely getting by, I do try to look for all the positives that I can, like how beautiful the trees and clear blue sky were this morning when I took my dog out for her walk, like how thankful I am that I do have a job and that I am able to pay my rent and always have food here. I find shows that I really enjoy to take my mind off of things, and have been reading books. I have very few friends. It is hard, but we have to stay positive as much as we can. Keep coming back here and reading. It always helps me to remember that I'm not alone and there are people here that understand and support.
Hope you can start to feel better soon.
i'm not quite so full of dispair this morning and i wake up to find wonderful messages, a slew of people doing their best to help me and you have.
you gals/guys always are so supportive and i'm so glad i found this site b/c i never would have made it this far without you
this statment made me cry...i never saw that person as myself...so eye opening
Gogo, I know you don't see yourself the way we do because we are all here dealing with low self esteem, but from your picture alone, you look so warm and friendly and happy. You look approachable and really like someone who I would want to be friends with.
We all here are wonderful, worthwhile women (and men - not forgetting AJ and others!) and we forget it so easily, especially with life getting us down, nasty ex's, petulant children etc.
The past 20 years of our lives may not have been what we wanted but I for one mean to make sure that my life only gets better from here on. One day at a time, one step at a time until I'm a contented old woman looking back on photos and thinking that I did have a great life after all.