Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So my wife is actually balanced right now. I'm on guard for the end of the honeymoon period, in case it is just the honeymoon period. Couples session on Monday started out with the wall of blame at me, but later on she did realize how unclear her requests are, and how reluctant she is to actually make herself vulnerable by making clear requests that I can make or not make.
Specifically, she was complaining how exhausted she was from taking care of the children all the time, and she wanted some adult time to herself. Not an unreasonable request, except her main method of asking for assistance is asking me to join her and the kids, and then help give them a bath and put them to bed... and maybe watch a little tv with her, before I leave...
I pointed out that she hadn't actualy asked me to help with the kids at all, and they invited her to. She said 'well, you know that if you ever want to come over to spend time with the kids, you're welcome to. I'll even leave if you want me to.' They turned to me and said 'well? What do you say to that?' I responded 'I say she didn't ask me for help. She put out an invitation for me to help if I wanted to, after admitting that she desires my help. That tells me that if I choose not to help, she'll be angry at me for not meeting the need she didn't express.'
They all three blinked a bit, and then said 'you have a point there.'
So they asked us to each express a need and ask each other to consider meeting it. So she asked for me to help put the children down on Sunday, and give them a bath. I said I could do that. My turn came up, and I requested that she read three chapters of 'Understanding Verbal Abuse' because I have a need for my concerns of abuse to be understood. She said flat out that she couldn't do it, but I'm going to wait and see.
I figure if she's honestly going to change, just needs a bit of time to do so, I'm giving her every chance to do so. If this is a honeymoon period, it's only a matter of time before that becomes apparent. In the meantime, I'm going to be super on my guard, and I've promised her that I will let her know the instant I see, hear, or even feel like she's undermining or controling me. I can see where it's no fun to have to be second-guessing everything, wondering 'how are they going to take this? Did he just feel controlled by that?' Mostly because that's where I've lived for years. I won't be putting anyone else in that posiion.
Specifically, she was complaining how exhausted she was from taking care of the children all the time, and she wanted some adult time to herself. Not an unreasonable request, except her main method of asking for assistance is asking me to join her and the kids, and then help give them a bath and put them to bed... and maybe watch a little tv with her, before I leave...
I pointed out that she hadn't actualy asked me to help with the kids at all, and they invited her to. She said 'well, you know that if you ever want to come over to spend time with the kids, you're welcome to. I'll even leave if you want me to.' They turned to me and said 'well? What do you say to that?' I responded 'I say she didn't ask me for help. She put out an invitation for me to help if I wanted to, after admitting that she desires my help. That tells me that if I choose not to help, she'll be angry at me for not meeting the need she didn't express.'
They all three blinked a bit, and then said 'you have a point there.'
So they asked us to each express a need and ask each other to consider meeting it. So she asked for me to help put the children down on Sunday, and give them a bath. I said I could do that. My turn came up, and I requested that she read three chapters of 'Understanding Verbal Abuse' because I have a need for my concerns of abuse to be understood. She said flat out that she couldn't do it, but I'm going to wait and see.
I figure if she's honestly going to change, just needs a bit of time to do so, I'm giving her every chance to do so. If this is a honeymoon period, it's only a matter of time before that becomes apparent. In the meantime, I'm going to be super on my guard, and I've promised her that I will let her know the instant I see, hear, or even feel like she's undermining or controling me. I can see where it's no fun to have to be second-guessing everything, wondering 'how are they going to take this? Did he just feel controlled by that?' Mostly because that's where I've lived for years. I won't be putting anyone else in that posiion.
Even if she is a house wife, does not mean when you come home your job is done. Technically her job is when you are at work, but when you come home everything is a shared responsibility. I know too many men that think they can just come home, plop on the recliner, have a manhattan, and watch family guy. had to use that for i have a friend that does that, and i call him an idiot, especially since his wife works out of the home as well, and he considered divorcing her, because he was bored. SMH
I do not want to sound too harsh, but I can not lie about what you wrote, and think playing the devil's advocate is healthy. It would be interesting to know more about your wife's problems, for you are a bit vague about it.
One of my wife's favorite tactics is to come at me out of the blue, chewing me out for not doing things that she's not asked me to do - or even specifically told me not to. And when I do what she asks, there's always some uncommunicated requirement that guarantees I'll fail. She stays at home with the kids - well, not really stays home: every day is to the zoo, the museum, the mall. Then she comes home, invites 3-5 other kids to the house, and then when I come home, complains that the house is a mess, and I should do my part to keep it clean because she's exhausted after being with the kids all day.
In this particular instance, we're separated right now. I get 3-4 hours with my kids a week without her there. She told me that the kids hadn't been bathed in several days, and that I could give them a bath if I wanted to. She bathes the kids every other day like clockwork, and I felt that her skipping a day so it landed on my time with the kids was a tactic to control what I was going to do with them in my time with them. So I resisted. Did what I wanted with the kids - we all curled up on the couch and watched a movie together, then read to them.
Then we get to session, and she starts out in tears about how upset and frustrated she is that I chose not to bathe the kids, and she's just exhausted from taking care of them all the time, and I get to be off doing what I want while she's stuck with the kids - me getting time with them without her is like pulling teeth!
So I asked her to be very specific in what she wanted, and I would meet those expectations I agreed to, but that I would communicate which ones I didn't agree to. I agree, it shouldn't have to be like this, but that's where I've got to be to be safe right now.
I recall getting snapped at because we walked in the door and I would sit down in the chair and she would start putting things away, getting the kids set up with something to do, cleaning the table, and then she would snap at me for sitting down. When I asked her why she was so testy, she would respond 'because I've got to clean the table, get the kids set up with something to do, get things put away, and I really have to go to the bathroom!' And when I protested that wiping the crumbs off the table really could just wait until after she went... well, same old argument. I was obviously just too lazy to do it for her.
I spent the day with my son today. He's 2. We had a blast. I was going to get him a haircut today. I walked in, and she was giving me my instructions (not nearly as many as I used to get, it's true) and she said ;Oh, and if you want, you can take him to get his haircut. That would really help me.'
I took him to get his hair cut. I kept him laughing as he was scared. I'm an awesome dad. But that word 'can' still bugs me. It's like all of a sudden, something I wanted to do, something I had a right to do... all of a sudden, she's giving me permission to do it. And these days, that really makes me not want to do it anymore. It seems like such a little, petty thing to get hung up about... but it rings every alarm in my head.