Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am realizing that, even though I can be an extremely outgoing person, I am pretty phobic of actual relationships (iNcluding friendships). So even though I'm capable of having a great time, I isolate; or even if I go out and have fun, I avoid making lasting/real connections and therefore any real support. It's certainly due to abuse from my family and related dynamics in the family. I noticed recently that as I try to break that cycle and try to have friendships/relationships, I get broken up (when I am alone) largely about the way I act. For example, it is second-nature for me to be very friendly, cheerful, on the happy-go-lucky side (or at least act that way), see the good in people, and when someone minimizes or overlooks something really serious going on with me that I bring up, to just let them do that and then move on. I am used to carrying all my burdens myself, and to others overlooking them. So that is what feels safe and even like a good thing (i.e. that someone else wouldn't actually see my problems feels safe somehow. Even though, I am realizing, I am trying to show them and get support). And also I was conditioned to act cheerful and happy-go-lucky to avoid, as best as possible, abuse. I can't describe the profound emotion, and pain (as well as hope, I suppose) in this process of realizing I am so conditioned to be somebody who acts content with non-supportive/unhealthy relationships. (I just get flattered when people like me at all, and it feels better than being alone.) The way I am is so profoundly automatic. Conditioning is no joke. It's really in you. Being forced to face that, examine it, and TRY to grow, is difficult. Feels rather like I'm locked inside somebody who is automatically hurting me, and I can't help it, except to feel, learn, and grow--which takes time. I know that I know a lot about all this (head-knowledge wise), although I have plenty more to learn I'm sure (especially about forming healthy relationships), but this is both daunting and painful. I know people are supposed to take relationships slow after abuse, but that's hard when you have none and are desperate for support.
I don't think i can tell u much more than what u already know, but what we can look at is the best way to aid u in your growth!
I think u need to take a step back from yourself, only to see things from a different perspective, but what I do pick up on in your post is the pressure your putting onto yourself to be better and unconditioned!
So it's time to honor crawling before walking, the fact that you have physcologically got your head around this somewhat means that your certainly on the path of healing, but u also have to take it step by step!
I'd recommend getting counseling also because this will aid you in the path your on.
Imagine that conditioning is like this, your wrapped up in string that has lots of little knots in it and all your doing is undoing a knot and the string will unravel by itself.
I've done it, I've been conditioned and I'm undoing knots! When it comes it will come but in the mean time, I give myself permission to grow at my own pace and that us the best advice I can give u!
I know u can do this and it's achievable as I've done it and I still am doing it,
The more u research the more you'll understand and the more knots you'll undo but counseling is a great and safe way to explore things that you need to explore!
Start with a healthy relationship with a therapist first!
I too have a tendency to be relationship avoidant. I believe that is part of the reason why it was so hard for me to leave my ex... I was with him for 5 years. My relationship with him was the first time I felt the desire to be completely 100% monogamous. That is a big deal for me. I truly gave everything I could, all of myself. So when that wasn't enough, I literally crumbled into pieces... It was more than just feeling rejected, it was deeply personal...
Inside me, there is (and always has been) a war... The part of me that never, ever wants to get close to anybody ever again, and the part of me that wants nothing more than to be deeply connected to not just anybody, but a man specifically. I always thought this was a result of my abusive upbringing...
However, my therapist had another point of view... He said that while some of my relationship phobia may be a result of my family, most likely there was also a biological component as well.
My therapist reccomended that I read the book 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller... It gave me a whole new insight into my relationship style and why I am drawn to certain people and repelled by others! I think it may give you some help in understanding and overcoming your fear of relationships. It also contains a great set of tools.
I am super-tired, so I don't feel like I am composing this very well... I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn't be too hard yourself. There is most likely a variety of reasons that make you feel this way, some of which you may have absolutely no control over- and that is completely normal!
Btw, you are definitely not alone...
I think I avoid relationships because I am still attracted by the wrong people, however smart enough to know better than to get too involved! If I were to suddenly meet someone where I was equally attracted but would recognise a healthy potential, perhaps I would move forward. In some ways, I believe, this is a step forward. By not getting involved seriously in further damaging relationships, I am allowing myself to heal as well as starting to look for healthier alternatives.
All the best and thank you for your insightful post!
I have a 12 step group and counseling is always available so you can explore these things with the attention of someone you can trust.
Best to you!