Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My 23 year old daughter has been dating a guy, same age, for just over a year.
I felt uneasy right from the beginning but gave him the benefit of the doubt, he told her almost right away she is the one for him, he can't lose her now after only a month etc.
He calls and texts her constantly, he got angry when she didn't answer right away, once got angry when she had the time to post to her FB page but not answer him, I did mention my concern over that and she said she had spoken to him about it.
When she confronts him about the jealousy etc he always cries and says it's because he loves her (?) I know my daughter then feels sorry for him.
His parents are both meth addicts and he and his sister were neglected as children, he sees them both occasionally, the mother lives in a motel and when she calls him my daughter said he says "What the F do you want?" Is it just me or is this so dysfunctional and just downright crazy?
My daughter thinks he is the greatest thing on 2 feet, he changes jobs as everyone treats him badly, asks my daughter to pay for things and he will pay her back when he gets paid, this never ever happens, all of a sudden the job kept money from him or his paycheck was wrong.
A few months ago my daughter came over and completely broke down as she had over drafted at her bank to help him and now every time she got paid the bank took most of it so she was in a circle of over drafting, he told her he would pay it but months went by and she believes him when he say his checks are short or some other excuse.
In the end I paid her bank off so she would receive all her paycheck, some would say that was wrong but honestly she was hysterical and I was so worried.
Now....this is going on again, a job of his fell through so she took out a loan, she was here crying a few days ago.
I'm all over the place with this but she was in college and stopped going, he says you don't have to go to college these days....gets jealous of anyone looking at my daughter, she had a very good male friend and now he's out of the picture, reads all her emails etc.
At first he was very nice to me, kept buying me gifts which I got uncomfortable with, now he's changed, hardly looks me in the eye and looks angry, a few times I've caught him giving me the worst scary look it gave me the chills.
This guy is a huge guy, very overweight, 6 ft and 300 pounds and gaining, my daughter even though I say it myself is beautiful, he acts like he has a trophy. She is kind and I know feels sorry for him but she's smart too so why is he not seeing what's going on.
She says she loves him, they "play fight" and she said he pushed her so hard she hurt her foot against a wall and cried so he was sorry, I am concerned over this "play fighting"
Once I was in the car with her and low and behold he was right behind us in his...on a huge busy street and it was a coincidence.
They moved in together after 4 months, she is depressed, once she shouted at me that she knew I didn't like him, I know I have to tread carefully with this so just said there was something abut him I can't put my finger on and she went hysterical, I know if I bad mouth him she defends him.
I have a terrible feeling something is going to happen, he just looks angry and desperate to me, I feel like I'm in his way.
What do I do? wait for her to have a full nervous breakdown, marry him, God forbid?
They have gone camping this weekend and they came by before going up to the mountains to show me his guns! he kept looking at the ground and twirling a shotgun so I couldn't sleep last night thinking he's going to kill my daughter if he feels I'm trying to get her to leave him.
I am so sick with worry, please has anyone any advice?
Thank you for listening.
I felt uneasy right from the beginning but gave him the benefit of the doubt, he told her almost right away she is the one for him, he can't lose her now after only a month etc.
He calls and texts her constantly, he got angry when she didn't answer right away, once got angry when she had the time to post to her FB page but not answer him, I did mention my concern over that and she said she had spoken to him about it.
When she confronts him about the jealousy etc he always cries and says it's because he loves her (?) I know my daughter then feels sorry for him.
His parents are both meth addicts and he and his sister were neglected as children, he sees them both occasionally, the mother lives in a motel and when she calls him my daughter said he says "What the F do you want?" Is it just me or is this so dysfunctional and just downright crazy?
My daughter thinks he is the greatest thing on 2 feet, he changes jobs as everyone treats him badly, asks my daughter to pay for things and he will pay her back when he gets paid, this never ever happens, all of a sudden the job kept money from him or his paycheck was wrong.
A few months ago my daughter came over and completely broke down as she had over drafted at her bank to help him and now every time she got paid the bank took most of it so she was in a circle of over drafting, he told her he would pay it but months went by and she believes him when he say his checks are short or some other excuse.
In the end I paid her bank off so she would receive all her paycheck, some would say that was wrong but honestly she was hysterical and I was so worried.
Now....this is going on again, a job of his fell through so she took out a loan, she was here crying a few days ago.
I'm all over the place with this but she was in college and stopped going, he says you don't have to go to college these days....gets jealous of anyone looking at my daughter, she had a very good male friend and now he's out of the picture, reads all her emails etc.
At first he was very nice to me, kept buying me gifts which I got uncomfortable with, now he's changed, hardly looks me in the eye and looks angry, a few times I've caught him giving me the worst scary look it gave me the chills.
This guy is a huge guy, very overweight, 6 ft and 300 pounds and gaining, my daughter even though I say it myself is beautiful, he acts like he has a trophy. She is kind and I know feels sorry for him but she's smart too so why is he not seeing what's going on.
She says she loves him, they "play fight" and she said he pushed her so hard she hurt her foot against a wall and cried so he was sorry, I am concerned over this "play fighting"
Once I was in the car with her and low and behold he was right behind us in his...on a huge busy street and it was a coincidence.
They moved in together after 4 months, she is depressed, once she shouted at me that she knew I didn't like him, I know I have to tread carefully with this so just said there was something abut him I can't put my finger on and she went hysterical, I know if I bad mouth him she defends him.
I have a terrible feeling something is going to happen, he just looks angry and desperate to me, I feel like I'm in his way.
What do I do? wait for her to have a full nervous breakdown, marry him, God forbid?
They have gone camping this weekend and they came by before going up to the mountains to show me his guns! he kept looking at the ground and twirling a shotgun so I couldn't sleep last night thinking he's going to kill my daughter if he feels I'm trying to get her to leave him.
I am so sick with worry, please has anyone any advice?
Thank you for listening.
this situation.
What you've described is
indeed distressing.
She's an adult, so there
isn't a lot you can do to
intervene here.
The best thing is to
maintain an open
channel of communication
with your daughter so that
when she begins to
understand the gravity
of these circumstances,
she'll come to you for
support. When that
happens, immediately
visit the nearest women's
center and have them
help develop a
SAFETY PLAN.
On the other hand, I urge
you to NOT bail her out
after her reckless financial
decisions. The longer
you do that, the longer
it'll take for her to understand
that her connection with him
yields nothing but bad news.
Here's some good news:
If they've been together
just over a year, they're
coming up to a time in
the course of a relationship
when people start
connecting the dots.
She may soon begin
to tire of being victimized
and abused. This would
be a good reason to NOT
come down hard, trying
to step in to show her
what she's not seeing.
Sending you and your
daughter wishes and
prayers for a good
outcome of this
unhappy situation.
Thank you so much for your reply.
You are right for me not to bail her out financially but to see her in such distress is torture, she has stopped going to her job now as she is so upset.
She actually just called me, they were up in the mountains and came back down, she was upset as someone stole $100 out of her purse which was in the tent.....she said there were a whole bunch of other people there so they did it, I think her boyfriend did.
He has often accused people of stealing from him but I think it's because he doesn't want to pay for anything so he lies.
My daughter said she is oaky though for next week's essentials, food etc as he has over $100 at home, no, he's going to be using your money I'm thinking!!!
Oh I wanted to say something, this is beyond ridiculous!!
than ridiculous.
Yes. There's a 99%
probability that the
thief of her money
was him.
I understand you
hurt for her pain.
But if you continue
to support her "habit,"
she'll continue "using."
This is what I would
say to her:
Darling, you're an adult
now. You're a grown woman.
As an adult, you choose
with whom you partner.
Also, as an adult, you're
responsible for the choices
you make in regards to
your education and your
finances, and you're then
responsible for the results
of those choices.
It's torture for me to see
you in such pain as the
result of those choices.
But it's my responsibility
as a parent to step back,
now, and let you finish
growing up the rest of
the way, into a successful
and wise young woman.
Yeah ----- I can hear you
saying. . . . "Well, that's
easy for YOU to say."
And you're right. My
recommendation is
not said looking into
the eyes of a daughter
who's embroiled within
a toxic relationship and
is looking to mommy
to help extricate her
from the destructive
choices she's making
as a result of that toxic
relationship.
The thing is. . . . . if
you keep bailing her
out, YOU'RE now
responsible
for her on-going
enmeshement
with YOU, as an
INappropriate
caregiver. You're
really not doing her
any favors.
I suggest that
YOU seek out
the nearest women's
center, and ask the
counselors there
what they would
recommend.
Thank you again for your reply.
I know you are right! I know I'm enabling her, I keep telling myself not to do it but then I do.
I have nightmares about what's going to happen. Talking to someone at a women's center is a great idea and I'm going to do that, think it will help a lot.
Last week I paid over $300 to a Gym they both joined and then never went to and couldn't pay so collections started calling, I'm frantic to keep her credit good but I jut can't do it anymore, I know it.
I do believe he is trying to ruin her in every way so she will stay with him but you can always clear up your credit, hopefully, in the future.
Thank you Ilene for you help, much appreciated, thanks for listening and hope you are well.
I will be thinking of you and your daughter.
I have to confess
that your daughter's
credit line is on the
lower end of things
that concern me
about the circumstances
you described.
I do urge you to talk
with the women's
center near you.
Yes, have always told my daughter the door is open and I will always be here for her, I try to tell her to think about herself, what does she want to do? I'm not kidding when I say since she was about 14 years old she has always said she wants to be Psychologist...how appropriate. Now that's all gone as he tells her you don't need college.
Like your daughter, she is very kind and wants to help people, I wish you well with your daughters Boo.
Hi IIlene,
I think I'm so frantic about everything that trying to keep her credit good sounds so ridiculous doesn't it, again you are so right, you have wise words! who cares about credit at this point.