Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been around here for awhile trying to go NC from my emotionally abusive ex husband. I have a son who is 21 and thriving away at school.
My daughter is 19 and she witnessed a lot of the emotional abuse. She then got into a relationship with a much older man who was emotionally and physically abusive to her and there is now a No Contact order in place. She is away from him.
I would like to add because I think this is important... my ex was a good man. He bonded strongly with both of us. His abuse did not begin until he began abusing prescription drugs and mixing them with alcohol. This was quite a shock to us and the abuse went on about five months before we left. We have been apart almost three years.
He keeps wanting to come visit. Now, he plans to come this week-end. I don't particularly want him to as the abuse continued the whole time we have been separated. (just for me) He is outraged that I left him but now seems to have come off the drugs and wants to talk.
My problem is this. My daughter and I both in the last year have developed panic attacks. They happen with more and more frequency. What is causing this and what can we do? I am trying hard to create a safe environement for us. A savings account. She has her own student housing here in town and I try to keep her fridge full, etc... She called me last night from her job and was in a full panic. I also had one yesterday. It seems we have made ourself sick worrying about his visit?
I honestly don't know what to do. I want him to come because he was a wondeful man for 25 years and if there were an opportunity to have the man back (both as husband and father) that he was prior to the drugs I want to take that chance. But, should hope lead us to such extreme emotions? Maybe hers isn't about this....
I know this thread is unsteady and illogical. I can tell that I am feeling chaotic.
My daughter is 19 and she witnessed a lot of the emotional abuse. She then got into a relationship with a much older man who was emotionally and physically abusive to her and there is now a No Contact order in place. She is away from him.
I would like to add because I think this is important... my ex was a good man. He bonded strongly with both of us. His abuse did not begin until he began abusing prescription drugs and mixing them with alcohol. This was quite a shock to us and the abuse went on about five months before we left. We have been apart almost three years.
He keeps wanting to come visit. Now, he plans to come this week-end. I don't particularly want him to as the abuse continued the whole time we have been separated. (just for me) He is outraged that I left him but now seems to have come off the drugs and wants to talk.
My problem is this. My daughter and I both in the last year have developed panic attacks. They happen with more and more frequency. What is causing this and what can we do? I am trying hard to create a safe environement for us. A savings account. She has her own student housing here in town and I try to keep her fridge full, etc... She called me last night from her job and was in a full panic. I also had one yesterday. It seems we have made ourself sick worrying about his visit?
I honestly don't know what to do. I want him to come because he was a wondeful man for 25 years and if there were an opportunity to have the man back (both as husband and father) that he was prior to the drugs I want to take that chance. But, should hope lead us to such extreme emotions? Maybe hers isn't about this....
I know this thread is unsteady and illogical. I can tell that I am feeling chaotic.
My guess that he isn't anywhere near that point in his recovery.
PLEASE take care of you and your daughter. You do NOT have to see him. IF he wants to talk, suggest that he do so with a therapist. Also suggest that he review the twelve steps and that at this point, talking with you and daughter would cause more harm than good.
I also encourage you and your daughter to wait to interact with him until you both have a good amount of therapy done w/a QUALIFIED trauma recovery/release therapist.
No one can say for sure what causes your panic attacks, but chances are the recent ones are in response to the thought that you might have to see him. It's quite common with people who have suffered previous trauma from anything, including abuse.
Someone who has 'supposedly' stopped drinking/drugging doesn't automatically make them healthy and better. It doesn't matter how good he was in the past. It only matters how is now and how he treats you now. And if that's not with respect and him honoring your boundaries, then just say NO!
Since he's still mad that you left and, based on the other behavior you've described, I'd say he is not following a program and/or therapy (if he's going) isn't helping.
You owe it to you and your daughter to take care of YOU and not worry about him. Of course that's JMHO.
for any of us here on
an on-line forum to
advise you about
what you and your
daughter should
do about this
situation.
So, I won't try and
tell you what to do,
but here's my educated
observation:
You want to focus on
the very best in your
ex's personality and
that's very loving
and loyal.
Please consider that
there was a reason
why he abused
prescription drugs
mixed with alcohol.
He may have bonded
well and treated you
well for some length
of time. But abusing
drugs (of any kind) and/or
alcohol is generally done
by someone in emotional
pain trying to anesthetize
the pain, or someone
with phsychological issues
again, attempting to numb
whatever discomfort is
going on. These are
not small factors in
the equation.
It's good that he's clean.
That's a start. (You didn't
say for how long he's been
"off" the drugs. And also,
how do you know that he
actually is? And also, is
he still using alcohol?)
But frankly, even if he
never perpetrated any
interpersonal abuse
before he abused drugs
and alcohol, that's no guarantee
that he will not abuse (either
people or drugs) again ----
certainly not without some
worldclass therapy for a
least a sufficiently long
period of time.
The fact that both you
and your daughter are
suffereing such anxiety
at this particular point in
time, suggests that ----
at the very least ----- agreeing
to talk to him right now is
not good for anybody.
If it were me, I'd want
solid evidence that:
[1] He was free of
drugs and alcohol
for no less than
six months.
[2] He was working
together with a therapist
whose specialty is
treating patients with
co-existing morbidities
(conditions), including
both drug abuse and
interpersonal abuse.
[3] That the therapy he's
involved in will be on-going
into the future for at least
a year.
[4] That he has no
expectations of rejoining
you in relationship for
at least EIGHTEEN MONTHS.
[5] And that you would not
even consider relaunching
a relationship with him
until the therapist he's
worked with for a year
signs off that he is
unlikely to abuse
either drugs or
people again,
the next time he
experiences stress.
That's what I'd do for
myself, knowing what
I know from both
experience and
clinical training.
Sending you and
your daughter wishes
for all good things.
Please take good care.
MTC and I were
drafting responses
almost simultaneously.
I generally concur with
pretty much all that
MTC posts and I'm
glad she put the
following in:
Since he's still mad that you left and, based on the other behavior you've described, I'd say he is not following a program and/or therapy (if he's going) isn't helping.
Yes. Great point.
Please listen to your
gut, which is giving
you invaluable information!