Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I thought I was in a great relationship.
I loved him more than anything and he loved me too.
We were together for almost three years. Met in college and worked together in the same program for that whole time. We lived together for over a year. Everything was great until we graduated from school and couldn't find jobs. I didn't realize how bad things were at first, but almost overnight he became a totally different person. He became depressed, withdrawn and unmotivated. I tried to talk to him about moving to a new city and applying for jobs in different places, and why he was so sad and quiet, but he would end any conversations before they got anywhere. I tried to talk about my dream to apply to a specific job and he just said no immediately without even discussing it.
Even before we graduated there were some bad things. Before our 2 year anniversary we had been arguing a bit over where to spend the holidays, etc. Little things that didn't matter in the long run. But he didn't plan anything or put any thought into the day when I spent weeks making him a gift. When I confronted him about it later he said he didn't want to put effort into a gift or surprise because we had been fighting so much and he wasn't sure if we were going to stay together, when in reality the fights were barely even arguments.
After graduation though I began to feel extremely alone. He rejected my affection, saying he was too busy and didn't have time to "hug me for 5 minutes", when all I wanted was to give him a hug or kiss and try to show my love. He lost interest in most things romantic or intimate, rejecting any advances, saying that I only wanted him for sex if I tried to make any attempt to be intimate. He took everything I did for him for granted, from cooking or cleaning to gifts and dates. He criticized everything I did, making me feel like I was always doing things wrong and was never good enough at anything. He couldn't stand when I tried to do things my own way. He was 8 years older than me and had a way of making it seem like because he was older, he was more experienced and his way was the right way to do everything.
Furthermore, he refused to go with me to visit my family. I moved to live with him, 3-4 hours away from my hometown and family. At first he liked visiting and my family loved him. But then he would make excuses not to go and just avoid it at all costs. He complained about how my parents house was messy (which I will admit, it is. But it is not dirty, just always a bit untidy with all the people coming and going all the time.) and how it made him uncomfortable and he didn't know what to say or do around my family. But when he was there he always ended up having a good time. Then he began making me feel guilty whenever I went without him. I would go home to visit and he wouldn't want to come, but then when I told him what I was doing or showed him pictures later on, he would complain about being bored or feeling left out and how I shouldn't have left him for so long and he was so lonely without me. I began to feel incredibly guilty for going to see my family, so my visits began to decrease in frequency. He even made me feel bad when I called my mom or sister. He would ask why I sounded so happy and excited to talk to them but wouldn't talk to him like that, when the reason was if I did talk to him like that he would ignore me anyways.
Sorry, this post has gotten very long. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I feel like I was. I feel unwanted and broken, like damaged goods, even though I think I made the right choice and I left him and moved out this month. I am just hoping to get some advice about how to start healing from this, because I feel like people think I am the 'bad guy' for giving up on the relationship and leaving him, but I don't know how to tell them that I had to leave for my mental health without them judging or asking a ton of questions that I am not ready to answer. I don't want people to pity me, but I also don't want them to think that I left just because I didn't want the commitment.
Thank you if you are reading this or replying!
It means a lot and any advice is appreciated
The worst part was how he completely shut down any of my attempts to talk about moving to a city I really wanted to move to without any room for discussion, but the little things that happened on a daily basis were what drove me to take action and finally deal with the situation. I felt so neglected and unwanted'; I didn't understand how someone who said they loved me so much could care so little and seem so indifferent to my presence. If he got bored of me after all of our time together, how can I think that anyone else will enjoy being with me?
I loved him more than anything and he loved me too.
We were together for almost three years. Met in college and worked together in the same program for that whole time. We lived together for over a year. Everything was great until we graduated from school and couldn't find jobs. I didn't realize how bad things were at first, but almost overnight he became a totally different person. He became depressed, withdrawn and unmotivated. I tried to talk to him about moving to a new city and applying for jobs in different places, and why he was so sad and quiet, but he would end any conversations before they got anywhere. I tried to talk about my dream to apply to a specific job and he just said no immediately without even discussing it.
Even before we graduated there were some bad things. Before our 2 year anniversary we had been arguing a bit over where to spend the holidays, etc. Little things that didn't matter in the long run. But he didn't plan anything or put any thought into the day when I spent weeks making him a gift. When I confronted him about it later he said he didn't want to put effort into a gift or surprise because we had been fighting so much and he wasn't sure if we were going to stay together, when in reality the fights were barely even arguments.
After graduation though I began to feel extremely alone. He rejected my affection, saying he was too busy and didn't have time to "hug me for 5 minutes", when all I wanted was to give him a hug or kiss and try to show my love. He lost interest in most things romantic or intimate, rejecting any advances, saying that I only wanted him for sex if I tried to make any attempt to be intimate. He took everything I did for him for granted, from cooking or cleaning to gifts and dates. He criticized everything I did, making me feel like I was always doing things wrong and was never good enough at anything. He couldn't stand when I tried to do things my own way. He was 8 years older than me and had a way of making it seem like because he was older, he was more experienced and his way was the right way to do everything.
Furthermore, he refused to go with me to visit my family. I moved to live with him, 3-4 hours away from my hometown and family. At first he liked visiting and my family loved him. But then he would make excuses not to go and just avoid it at all costs. He complained about how my parents house was messy (which I will admit, it is. But it is not dirty, just always a bit untidy with all the people coming and going all the time.) and how it made him uncomfortable and he didn't know what to say or do around my family. But when he was there he always ended up having a good time. Then he began making me feel guilty whenever I went without him. I would go home to visit and he wouldn't want to come, but then when I told him what I was doing or showed him pictures later on, he would complain about being bored or feeling left out and how I shouldn't have left him for so long and he was so lonely without me. I began to feel incredibly guilty for going to see my family, so my visits began to decrease in frequency. He even made me feel bad when I called my mom or sister. He would ask why I sounded so happy and excited to talk to them but wouldn't talk to him like that, when the reason was if I did talk to him like that he would ignore me anyways.
Sorry, this post has gotten very long. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I feel like I was. I feel unwanted and broken, like damaged goods, even though I think I made the right choice and I left him and moved out this month. I am just hoping to get some advice about how to start healing from this, because I feel like people think I am the 'bad guy' for giving up on the relationship and leaving him, but I don't know how to tell them that I had to leave for my mental health without them judging or asking a ton of questions that I am not ready to answer. I don't want people to pity me, but I also don't want them to think that I left just because I didn't want the commitment.
Thank you if you are reading this or replying!
It means a lot and any advice is appreciated
The worst part was how he completely shut down any of my attempts to talk about moving to a city I really wanted to move to without any room for discussion, but the little things that happened on a daily basis were what drove me to take action and finally deal with the situation. I felt so neglected and unwanted'; I didn't understand how someone who said they loved me so much could care so little and seem so indifferent to my presence. If he got bored of me after all of our time together, how can I think that anyone else will enjoy being with me?
He scared me a few times by grabbing my chin and making me look at him while we were talking. I look away when I am overwhelmed and don't want to talk anymore, but he would just keep talking and talking and making me look at him. A few times when I tried to walk away he grabbed my wrist and wouldn't let me go. Once he even pinned me down. he thought it was fun and we were joking around, but I was legitimately scared knowing that if he wasn't kidding around he could have held me down and there would have been nothing I could do. (he is 6'3" and 240lbs. I am 5'5" and 150lbs...).
Another little thing he did was make rude jokes about me being smelly, ugly or other mean things. These things offended me even though they were just jokes, but when I brought it up he would make me feel stupid and overly emotional for getting upset about a silly joke. A lot of our arguments ended with me feeling like I overreacted and got too emotional, even if he was the one who did something wrong in the first place. I never felt like he really apologized, just like he blamed it on me because I was too hotheaded and emotional so it was always my fault
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that
brought you here.
Good to hear that
you ended this
abusive relationship.
Most of what you described
is dysfunctional and much
of it is abusive.
Grabbing you and
pinning you down
is physically abusive.
Spying on you and
keeping you from
people you love
and things you
want to do are
emotionally abusive.
Calling you names
(and then saying
he was "joking"),
iis verbally abusive.
I urge you in the
strongest terms to
find the women's
center in your area
and make a visit
there. They will
likely have counselors
who can support you
through this time.
Further, you were
NOT over-reacting.
He's one way you can
believe that:
Look at the thread
in this forum called,
"Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise"
and do the exeercise.
(I'll bump it for you.)
If you have questions,
feel free to p.m. me.
Finally, practice
SELF-CARE
at every opportunity.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
recovery and healing.
I'm glad you got out. Warning- the holidays will be tough. Give your family the heads up and cling to them so you don't feel tempted to let him back in.
Hugs.
Thanks again :)
DeliAnnem, I see now that is a big deal. It wasn't so much an afterthought. I think I just got overwhelmed writing all of that out for the first time and I got a bit sidetracked focusing on other parts of the story. Thanks for the tip, thinking about it now the holidays probably will be tough :( Thankfully my family is amazing, even though they don't really know too much about what happened, they have totally accepted that the relationship is done and I am back home without pushing for reasons and explanations. They are my rock and I wouldn't know what to do without them