Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hi, um I just joined but I was looking for advice on how to manage my own mental health when I'm around my abusive family? I am in college, and winter break is coming up soon and I'm scared to go home. I'm trying to get out from under their control but I work 3 jobs on top of taking 18 credits a semester to try and be as finacially independent as I can, but they still support me a lot with money and they hold that over me and threaten to cut me off if I go against their wishes. So what I need right now is to figure out how to survive them for just a little longer. The holidays are always the worst times at home and both my sisters will be home which can be a good thing, since we get along, but is bad when our parents are there. My sisters pick fights with them and then my parents take it out on me. I didn't even realize they were abusive until I got to college and realized how different everyone elses relationship with their parents are. I'm trying to unlearn the things they taught me my whole life, like that I'm a monster, or stupid and worthless, or that my interests are stupid and I can only annoy people. But it's hard to feel like I'm getting better when I feel like I get sent back to square one any time I communicate with them. Does anyone have advice for things I can do over the break to stay safe and stay grounded? I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm battling this on my own.
Why?
Well you beat everyone to the punch ....
Fewer people will be up early. Those that are, are less likely to be tired, annoyed, have alcohol/drugs in their systems, etc. Everyone likes breakfast/coffee/tea.
Clean it up and there's no complaints after you. You will have put in your share of "chores" for the week, at a time when there are fewer people to trip over or complain about how you're doing it.
Then get the hell out of the house...to friends' the library, park, a coffee shop...shopping...wherever.
When you are there, re-write whatever's said into something less offensive.
Mom: "You always were the irresponsible one."
You: (Mom's always tried to help me become a responsible adult."
That doesn't change anything that THEY say, but it helps change how you feel about it, and your response.
They may even surprise you and not be quite so nasty. Or not.
Any chance that there are any projects to start work on for school over the holidays? Or anything that you should pretend that you should start on? (Um mom, this biology class I have next term is a killer. I've been warned that I should walk into class having read the first 5 chapters. I have to go to the library. Then go use the library's free internet and sleep in their comfy chairs...)
In your head you need to:
1. Clarify that the feedback is flawed in your mind.
2. Identify the behavior as inappropriate instead of giving her a little free pass to abuse you.
3. Place the responsibility squarely on the person being abusive.
4. Learn to give feedback that will not escalate the situation without accepting responsibility for their inaccurate perceptions.
I'd go with something like, "Being more responsible is really important and I'm working hard in that area." or "I can see how being irresponsible affects the people around me in negative ways. You have a good point."
She can hardly argue with you, but notice you did not accept that she was accurate in the statement or that you have a deficit in that area. Being responsible is important in general and we're all kind of working on that as we move through life.
I believe if you can learn to better manage your parents unreasonable behavior without allowing it to affect you, it will be easier to be around them.