Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi,
Today my relationship ended. I was supposed to get on a flight at 7pm tonight to fly off to Moscow. I told my bf that if he didn't change his abusive ways (and I didn't say abusive, because he does not think he's abusive) that I wouldn't go. I gave him opportunities to say I'm sorry, to take responsibility, to acknowledge the way I feel, to listen to what I was saying. I told him I didn't want to end things I wanted him to fix them. Because at this point there is nothing else I can do, I can't fix this because it's not me making these unhealthy choices for this relationship. I'm not the one that fights the way he does, that controls, that yells and screams, calls me names, threatens, that never apologizes or takes responsibilty for anything...I'm not the one that lead us down this path. This has been going on for six years and we break up and get back together, I believe him, I believe in him and it always ends up the same way...revealing the same pattern. If his control was never threatened I would be in the best relationship on this planet, but unfortunately I don't know when and how to stop threatening his power with my thoughts and actions. I talked to him today, I wanted to give him one last chance to say he was wrong, he wanted to change and he was sorry for what he put me through. Well, needless to say that never happened. He told me flat out "this is your fault!!" It's my fault that I didn't leave for Russia to be with him, that I kept pushing back the date. Even though in the beginning of this I told him if he made this unhealthy or treated me unfair I would have no choice but to not come and end this relationship...he agreed to that. So why is this surprising?? I asked him if he thinks I'm making everything up, what he does and the way it makes me feel, he answered, "yes...you are making this up". Also told me:
"He doesn't want someone like me"
"He doesn't want my kind of love"
"There are a million girls that want to be with him, why would he waste his time with someone like me"
"I am crazy and need to go to a therapist" (even though he has strong opinions against therapy)
"He is going to move on from me and be fine."
"He hopes I know how this is all my fault and choke on it and suffer the rest of my life."
"I hurt him more than he ever hurt me"
"There is nothing wrong with the way he treats me"
"There is nothing for him to fix"
etc, etc, etc. It messed with my head so bad. How could someone hurt me as much as he has and say those things to me, act like I'm the poison in his life, like he will be so much better without me. He told me he doesn't ever want me to call, text him, he wants to never know me, he wants me out of his life. I told him that I don't wish him ill will and that I am clearly not the right person for him, and that I hope he finds who is and is happy, that I love him and I gave him a chance to change and he didn't want to take it. He hung up on me. When he told me that I was making everything up, i started to cry and said..."your sick, its so sad", I didn't say this to be mean, I really really meant it. So what to I do know? Know that he has put all the blame and guilt on me, acts like I am some lowly creature that he is better off without. I kind of feel that way. How do I pick myself up and realize that I am the one better off, that I am special and he is a cancer. I have gone through this so many times and I always end up back in it. I want OUT!!! for good, I want to be healthy and the great person I was before this. I want his voices and judgements out of my head. I want to be happy being me. I want to not care what he is doing because I'm sure he will just make those other girls just as miserable, at least i think that. There is still a part of me that listens to what he has to say and doubts if I'm right or wrong. Any advice or comments are much needed. I just want to do the right things and come out the better person. I feel like I am sick too.
Today my relationship ended. I was supposed to get on a flight at 7pm tonight to fly off to Moscow. I told my bf that if he didn't change his abusive ways (and I didn't say abusive, because he does not think he's abusive) that I wouldn't go. I gave him opportunities to say I'm sorry, to take responsibility, to acknowledge the way I feel, to listen to what I was saying. I told him I didn't want to end things I wanted him to fix them. Because at this point there is nothing else I can do, I can't fix this because it's not me making these unhealthy choices for this relationship. I'm not the one that fights the way he does, that controls, that yells and screams, calls me names, threatens, that never apologizes or takes responsibilty for anything...I'm not the one that lead us down this path. This has been going on for six years and we break up and get back together, I believe him, I believe in him and it always ends up the same way...revealing the same pattern. If his control was never threatened I would be in the best relationship on this planet, but unfortunately I don't know when and how to stop threatening his power with my thoughts and actions. I talked to him today, I wanted to give him one last chance to say he was wrong, he wanted to change and he was sorry for what he put me through. Well, needless to say that never happened. He told me flat out "this is your fault!!" It's my fault that I didn't leave for Russia to be with him, that I kept pushing back the date. Even though in the beginning of this I told him if he made this unhealthy or treated me unfair I would have no choice but to not come and end this relationship...he agreed to that. So why is this surprising?? I asked him if he thinks I'm making everything up, what he does and the way it makes me feel, he answered, "yes...you are making this up". Also told me:
"He doesn't want someone like me"
"He doesn't want my kind of love"
"There are a million girls that want to be with him, why would he waste his time with someone like me"
"I am crazy and need to go to a therapist" (even though he has strong opinions against therapy)
"He is going to move on from me and be fine."
"He hopes I know how this is all my fault and choke on it and suffer the rest of my life."
"I hurt him more than he ever hurt me"
"There is nothing wrong with the way he treats me"
"There is nothing for him to fix"
etc, etc, etc. It messed with my head so bad. How could someone hurt me as much as he has and say those things to me, act like I'm the poison in his life, like he will be so much better without me. He told me he doesn't ever want me to call, text him, he wants to never know me, he wants me out of his life. I told him that I don't wish him ill will and that I am clearly not the right person for him, and that I hope he finds who is and is happy, that I love him and I gave him a chance to change and he didn't want to take it. He hung up on me. When he told me that I was making everything up, i started to cry and said..."your sick, its so sad", I didn't say this to be mean, I really really meant it. So what to I do know? Know that he has put all the blame and guilt on me, acts like I am some lowly creature that he is better off without. I kind of feel that way. How do I pick myself up and realize that I am the one better off, that I am special and he is a cancer. I have gone through this so many times and I always end up back in it. I want OUT!!! for good, I want to be healthy and the great person I was before this. I want his voices and judgements out of my head. I want to be happy being me. I want to not care what he is doing because I'm sure he will just make those other girls just as miserable, at least i think that. There is still a part of me that listens to what he has to say and doubts if I'm right or wrong. Any advice or comments are much needed. I just want to do the right things and come out the better person. I feel like I am sick too.
If you go with him to Russia, you are on HIS territory, on his turf, where you are at an eve greater disadvantage. I don't know whether you know the language, or the local customs and ways, but if he's native to that country and you are not, you can become a permanent prisoner. Someone who knows their way around can bribe the officials, play the system, in such way that you will never be able to get any help, and even become financially crippled, and trapped.
How do I know? I'm from around there, and so is my abusive (soon to be) ex-wife.
Let him go. Take time to heal. But beware, he'll be back. He'll be back, "I'm a changed man, I can't live without you, I love you, I set up a home for us". Don't fall for that. Abusers NEVER change. They go into a "nice phase" and then revert back to their old selves again.
My heart and prayers go out to you. You must stay strong. Yes, it will hurt, and yes you will feel guilty and wonder whether you did the right thing. Trust me, YOU DID DO THE RIGHT THING.
Take all the pain you felt and multiply it by 1000 - that's what you will get if you are on his territory or marry him.
Write it off to a bad memory. heal yourself, and move on with your life. There are plenty of good men out there who will be grateful just to know you.
Good Luck!
He is unable to see that he does anything wrong. Finish this relationship and be done with it. A narcissist never changes, because they can't see that they need to.
That's what they do. They will directly abuse you, then they will send drench you in guilt, and then they will make you feel worthless. It will always be your fault, and they will never acknowledge any wrong doing.
Best thing for you to do is start loving yourself. A healthy relationship has three components, YOU, I, and WE. It seems you have given up your I part, and he gladly tried to erase your I (or his YOU) part. You need to claim you I back. Start by focusing on yourself. Join a gym, take a dance, art, or music class. Join a club or get a hobby. That's the first step. Start being creative so that you can derive gratification from your own accomplishments.
Also, don't forget friends. You need a support circle now. A good live friend is worth a thousand email messages.
Basically, do things for YOURSELF. Put yourself first. Hate your job? Change it. Get some new clothes. Go out and live for YOU. You have done enough living for someone else.
The main thing is don't start feeling insecure. Stay away from the dating scene until you completely resolve these issues. Don't get out there too early. If you are not completely healed, you will exercise poor judgment and end up in a mess as bad as or worse than the one from which you just got out. I know this from my personal experience.
Again, the main thing, put yourself first. Do things for yourself. Better yourself in your own eyes. Do it for you, not anybody else, but just you.
Good Luck!
We're here for you.
1) Learn about abusive people and abusive relationships. Really do this. Make it a project.
You could see books at Amazon.com, and read web sites like this famous one from a guy who knows all about your type of guy AND victims of him like you - http://samvak.tripod.com/. But remember, you don't have to have a victim mindset.
2) Get a therapist.
3) Start a new life doing what you want to do.
If you are shy, insecure, whatever, work on it, but get a life.
And I agree with everybody else. He is really as bad as they get. And you are doing well.
All the best.