Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm writing this out now while I'm confident (and she's out of town)
I don't know how many of these things I'll actually insist on, but at least I'm recognizing they're things I want.
If I were to go back home, I would want:
Equal control over the budget, and her to be as bound to it as I am.
No more 4-5x a week outings for her and the kids. If she wants to do something fun with the kids, I should either be able to go with, or have equal opportunity to do something EQUALLY as fun without her. Even over holidays.
She needs to start taking pride in her appearance. No more t-shirts and pajama pants all day, every day. Especially not in public. Particularly if she does want me to be physically attracted to her. And once again, intimate relations need to happen more than twice a year. And I don't have to feel guilty for that.
Not only would my son be potty trained BEFORE he starts preschool, but both children would be put on a set schedule of chores. (Age and ability appropriate, of course.)
I don't mind eating out, I don't mind eating out with the kids. I don't mind 'fend for yourself/leftover' nights. But once upon a time, we ate dinner around the table - food she had cooked, even if it were simply hamburger helper. That needs to happen more than once a week now.
I don't mind helping with the chores, or the upkeep of the house. But it's not my job. It's not my responsibility. If she wants me to help, she can ASK me for help. And I will help in my own way, even if it's simply keeping the kids out of her hair so she can do the work.
Saturdays will be spent cleaning OUT the garage, until there is enough room to establish a workbench out there. A workbench, and room for my punching bag. I've got some stuff out there, too, and I'll go through it with her, but 75% of that crap is kid's toys they've outgrown, or old kids clothes. Let's face it - right now, odds are low she's going to be needing that 'for another kid' before she needs to move it all.
No more vacations with the kids and her parents. If we're going on a family vacation, it will be with OUR family. Likewise, Holidays. Somehow, they morphed from 'one year with your folks, and the next with mine' to 'we'll go visit with your family, but have to leave by 3 so we can make dinner at my parents...' I had 4 thanksgiving dinners in one day! Everyone was pissed at me the next year when I said 'I'm not going ANYWHERE. Everyone is welcome to come to me, but I'm staying home, cooking a turkey, and the kids are staying with me. No exceptions - I am not setting foot outside my house, not even to go to the store!' That was a good year, too. I cook a fantastic turkey.
I can't demand that she not be afraid that I'll hurt the children. That's an emotion, and it's valid. But what I can demand is that she lock that emotion down, and not express it to me in any way, shape, or form.
When people ask me why we are separated, I respond 'well, for my part, I cheated on her.' And it's fair, and true, and I own that mistake. She needs to do likewise. She is as much an abuser as I am an adulterer. No blame, no minimizing, no defense. I've had people stop talking to me upon hearing me admit that, and that is thier right, even as it saddens me. She can do likewise.
Finally, I'm the boss. I now know that she cannot be trusted with power, as she will misuse it once she has it, and will do anything to maintain it. I trust my tendancy to be fair and equitable, taking her needs into consideration far more than the reverse.
And all of that needs to come, not because it's her end of the bargain, not because it's the only way to save her marriage - but because it's the right thing to do. And it's what I need in order to trust her as my wife again. She has the power to deny any of these requests. But this is what I want a marriage with her to look like.
I don't know how many of these things I'll actually insist on, but at least I'm recognizing they're things I want.
If I were to go back home, I would want:
Equal control over the budget, and her to be as bound to it as I am.
No more 4-5x a week outings for her and the kids. If she wants to do something fun with the kids, I should either be able to go with, or have equal opportunity to do something EQUALLY as fun without her. Even over holidays.
She needs to start taking pride in her appearance. No more t-shirts and pajama pants all day, every day. Especially not in public. Particularly if she does want me to be physically attracted to her. And once again, intimate relations need to happen more than twice a year. And I don't have to feel guilty for that.
Not only would my son be potty trained BEFORE he starts preschool, but both children would be put on a set schedule of chores. (Age and ability appropriate, of course.)
I don't mind eating out, I don't mind eating out with the kids. I don't mind 'fend for yourself/leftover' nights. But once upon a time, we ate dinner around the table - food she had cooked, even if it were simply hamburger helper. That needs to happen more than once a week now.
I don't mind helping with the chores, or the upkeep of the house. But it's not my job. It's not my responsibility. If she wants me to help, she can ASK me for help. And I will help in my own way, even if it's simply keeping the kids out of her hair so she can do the work.
Saturdays will be spent cleaning OUT the garage, until there is enough room to establish a workbench out there. A workbench, and room for my punching bag. I've got some stuff out there, too, and I'll go through it with her, but 75% of that crap is kid's toys they've outgrown, or old kids clothes. Let's face it - right now, odds are low she's going to be needing that 'for another kid' before she needs to move it all.
No more vacations with the kids and her parents. If we're going on a family vacation, it will be with OUR family. Likewise, Holidays. Somehow, they morphed from 'one year with your folks, and the next with mine' to 'we'll go visit with your family, but have to leave by 3 so we can make dinner at my parents...' I had 4 thanksgiving dinners in one day! Everyone was pissed at me the next year when I said 'I'm not going ANYWHERE. Everyone is welcome to come to me, but I'm staying home, cooking a turkey, and the kids are staying with me. No exceptions - I am not setting foot outside my house, not even to go to the store!' That was a good year, too. I cook a fantastic turkey.
I can't demand that she not be afraid that I'll hurt the children. That's an emotion, and it's valid. But what I can demand is that she lock that emotion down, and not express it to me in any way, shape, or form.
When people ask me why we are separated, I respond 'well, for my part, I cheated on her.' And it's fair, and true, and I own that mistake. She needs to do likewise. She is as much an abuser as I am an adulterer. No blame, no minimizing, no defense. I've had people stop talking to me upon hearing me admit that, and that is thier right, even as it saddens me. She can do likewise.
Finally, I'm the boss. I now know that she cannot be trusted with power, as she will misuse it once she has it, and will do anything to maintain it. I trust my tendancy to be fair and equitable, taking her needs into consideration far more than the reverse.
And all of that needs to come, not because it's her end of the bargain, not because it's the only way to save her marriage - but because it's the right thing to do. And it's what I need in order to trust her as my wife again. She has the power to deny any of these requests. But this is what I want a marriage with her to look like.
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